The last four weeks

Or: "Why I suck at blogging, in bullets"

Although I have about six really excellent posts half written, life seems to be getting in the way of well...just about everything. My life is nothing short of a joke, lately, people. Seriously. A joke. A few of the occurrences that have kept me from the computer:

• First and foremost, a beautiful, wonderful baby. We had a rough few weeks but now that we passed the six week growth spurt life is back to easy with him. Except that he no longer sleeps. Like Ever. As in, our longest stretch without sleep was 17 hours without even closing his eyes for a five minute nap. I nearly poked my own eyes out. Except that it's hard to poke your eyes out with a 2 month old smiling lovingly at you.


• I developed a very lovely incisional infection EIGHT WEEKS post partum. Eight Weeks. Seriously. Oral antibiotics didn't work. I'm allergic to the 2 classes that would actually work. So ..my options were 1) take an oral that I was allergic to 2) be hospitalized for IV antibiotics 3) attempt IV antibiotics at home. I opted to try the one I was allergic to and broke out in a huge rash about an hour after I took the first pill. Because of the item directly below, hospitalization and/or having an arm out of commission for an IV was out of the question. So I'm currently treating the infection with a peroxide wash and hoping for the best. As in ...hoping I don't end up in the ICU septic or something. It seems to be holding it's own right now.


• Monk fell off a roof at work and broke his back in two places. The good news is that he's alive, can walk, and has control of all of his own bodily functions. The bad news is that he 1) can't work 2) can't do anything else. He's in a brace that limits movement, has a 5 pound weight lifting restriction, and can't bend or twist ever. If you're particularly astute, you'll note that my brand new baby weighs 13 pounds (because he's a moose). So ..I now have 2 babies. I felt less like a single mom when I was a single mom. Honestly. To say that it's overwhelming to have him out of the running for helping with anything - a single diaper change or nighttime waking - is a tremendous understatement. To describe the stress of your husband asking you to tie his shoes while you're nursing a baby and trying to online shop for a teenager's birthday? Umm...I don't think I can. These restrictions are in effect for a minimum of 12 weeks. The baby will be nearly 6 months old before his dad can hold him again.


• I picked the baby up out of the crib about a week after Monk broke his back. It hurt. A lot. In the morning I quite literally couldn't sit, stand, or walk because of the unbelievable pain in my back. My mom had to come and rescue me. She literally held the weight of the baby so that I could nurse him. It was awful. I finally made my way to the MRI machine to discover that I herniated a disc, tore 2 others, and pinched a major nerve. Umm. If you want to think about stress? Think about the fact that now the only one in my family that can tie their own shoes is my now 14 year old.


• The dog - who has severe hip dysplasia - somehow managed to fracture her left elbow. She requires not 1, but 3 surgeries, at $2500/pop. And she can't walk. She needs to be carried in and out of the house to use the bathroom. See above for the family members that can safely do that.


• This is my last week of maternity leave. Can't. even. think. about. that.


• Prior to Monk's injury, I didn't know how to turn on the vacuum or where we kept the garbage bags. For reals. He does that much around the house. He did, I should say. Because his name is MONK, he still expects the house to be in that very neat and hyperclean orderly state. We've had many issues because umm...I'm not the type to vacuum while holding and nursing a new baby with a herniated disc in my back. He is, surprisingly to me, not understanding that.


• The golden child starts high school one week from tomorrow.

Normally? Any one of the above items would throw me for a loop. Currently? I'm getting very close to requesting an in patient psych admission. I'm a wreck. When I'm no longer a wreck? I'll get back to posting my happy posts about all things nursing, pumping 101, and the beauty of a good photographer.

Until then? I'll try and keep my focus on the little man on top. He is my angel. Seriously. I think he's the cutest thing ever.

Birth Story ..part two

Mostly because I want to be able to remember all of the little details....

Sorry it has taken so long ...we've landed ourselves smack dab in the middle of a growth spurt ...and the baby feels like he's dying if he doesn't nurse every 45 minutes or so. Umm...I'm thankful for the increase in milk supply ...but geez.

After the NICU team was done with their assessment, Monk brought the baby over to me. The CRNA did an outstanding job taking pictures for us. She helped Monk to lay the baby on my chest while they were putting my parts back in and sewing me up. That was something that never happened with the golden child and I was so happy to be able to cuddle him that soon after birth. Eventually, Monk and the baby went into the recovery room and they moved me over to a bed and wheeled me into the recovery room with them. The NICU team asked that they wait to bathe the baby for 12 hours to give him more time to transition. One of my biggest "I don't want to do that" moments was over remembering the shaking chills after the golden child's section. They have a fancy new Bair Hugger gown that they had me wear and hooked the gown up to a hot air blower ...and I never got the chills. It was rather delightful.

Remember when I said that spinal anesthesia with duramorph was the best thing ever? It truly was. But it was also like ..almost the worst thing. The CRNA came in to check on me and told me that I might get some nausea and facial itching from the duramorph ...and that if I did I should ask for meds sooner rather than later. Ha! I felt great for quite a while ...I nursed the baby. He latched on like he was a 6 month old ..nursed on both sides for 15 minutes. I was rather amazed. Monk left the room to go tell the 30 or so family members about the baby and to let my mom and the golden child come back. The golden child was appropriately amazed and awed. The picture above is her first glimpse at her brother.

My mom and daughter left to allow Monk's parents to come back ...still felt great but maybe a little itch on my nose?? They left and Monk's sister and my niece came back. During the transition I started to feel really nauseated. They left, and the nurse decided to roll me side to side and change me into a regular gown to go back to my room in. Turned left ...no problem. Turned right ...and started puking like a mad woman. I must have thrown up/dry heaved 27 times ..each time feeling like staples were popping out. The nurse finally pushed some zofran and things calmed down. By the time I got back to my room, my face was full on ITCHING. I don't mean like ...a little scratch here and there. There was no rash ..but I swear to God I tried to rip the skin off my face. Monk was freaking out ...I couldn't stop rubbing, pulling, scratching my face for anything. And then, thankfully, I had the best RN I've ever encountered on the patient side of life. She came in and said that she knew I was an NP and had privileges at the hospital but that she was going to pretend like I didn't know anything and tell me everything anyway. She noticed that I was trying to peel my face off and told me that she was going to get some Nubain to make it go away. I told her I didn't want it - that it would make me sleepy and wasn't worth it. She essentially said too bad and went to get it. I demanded that she only give me half the dose. She said no ..and gave me the full dose anyway. I did get sleepy ..but the damn itching went away. And I have to say ....I think that took a lot of guts on her part. I don't know if I would have had the guts to do something like that - but it was exactly what I needed. She really was wonderful. Monk is still amazed by her. Because I was still paralyzed from the waste down, she taught Monk how to change the baby's diaper when he had his first meconium yuck. She was very patient with him. My mom and the golden child came into the room ...I nearly passed out from the Nubain ...Monk went to get some food ...and my mom held the baby while I slept. Eventually she took the golden child home and we were alone with the baby for the first time. It was all very surreal. He {the baby} moaned almost the entire first night with every exhale. I don't think we slept for 3 seconds because we were so worried.

At 4 am they got me up, took out my catheter, helped me to clean the betadine off all the parts that needed to be cleaned. I walked the halls (umm...9 hours after birth!) pain free and had very little bleeding. My only complaint - albeit a huge one - is that the air conditioning in the hospital wasn't working and my room was literally 82 degrees. It was beyond miserable. I was sweating from birth changes anyway ...and I spent most of the time we were there totally drenched. It was so so so so freaking hot.

The morning after the birth, the baby went for his kidney ultrasound ...kidney was still very enlarged. He peed a ton right after delivery ...but then hardly at all after that ...like twice a day. So I was freaking out about that.

The pediatrician came in and explained the process for the kidney work up. He would need to be on antibiotics and repeat the ultrasound in 2 weeks. They came in for the circumcision. Monk is still mad ..because every time someone would come in and say, "You want to have the baby circumcised?" I would say "SOMEONE in this room does ...but not me!". The friend/OB had 4 deliveries the morning that I was going to be discharged so her partner came in. I had never met him before ...and he was rather funny. He asked what I was going to do for birth control. I explained the whole, "I have PCOS and a history of multiple miscarriages and blood clots ...I can't take the pill" thing. I asked if I could start taking Metformin again. He said, "I'd start taking it right away ..wait 4 weeks then start having sex all the time and have another baby right away. Your body will be ready." I laughed ...thinking he was joking. The friend/OB came in later ...and he was apparently serious. He wants everyone to have 90 kids. Has 11 himself. Doesn't do any sterilization procedures. Hmm. Rather interesting! He ended up doing the baby's circumcision. I didn't realize that they slept for like ..8 hours afterwards because they were so traumatized. I'm still mad that we did it...even though everything turned out fine.

I did end up getting a little bit sore on the second day...but still never needed anything more than Motrin. The crazy stupid pelvic pain went away the second they took the baby out. I felt like I could run a marathon being pain free felt so good. The friend/OB wanted me to stay one more night ...but I couldn't deal with the temperature in the room so she let us go home. A little more than 36 hours after birth, we were all at home and cozied up together on the couch.

Blissful.

Still Home

The Birth Story - Part Two. Will be coming soon. I promise. But first? A quickie type update.

So apparently having a new baby hasn't improved my blogging skills at all. I keep meaning to post ...and then I realize that I can't actually nurse and type at the same time ..and well...someone is always hungry so he wins. Life has actually been very, very good. I feel drunk on love. The oxytocin/prolactin/breastfeeding love drug is working it's wonders in ways I didn't even remember were possible. I feel all cuddly and lovey dovey towards nearly everyone. It's the part of me that has been missing for ...well ...years...the part that I couldn't figure out where it went or why it was gone. I'm more than happy to spend my nights with everyone right on top of me all in the same chair ...and I've devoted hours to bitching about that on this blog in the past several months. It's really been rather lovely to find this part of myself again. Very healing. I could wax poetic about it for years, really. I'm just desperate for it to not end. I've even told Monk that maybe we should have like 14 more children to make sure it doesn't go away.

I ended up with a nasty incisional infection that made me feel like I was dying for several days. By the time I dragged myself into the OB I was nearly delirious. I felt much better after 3 days of antibiotics. The baby has had an appointment literally every day between weight checks, kidney ultrasounds, jaundice checks, etc. It's really all I can do to leave the house by 11:30 a.m. ...which bodes well for going back to work. The baby had a nasty kidney test today that broke my heart ...the results of which will tell us if he's basically okay or if he has to have surgery. The strangest thing is that I'm not really all that nervous about it. He is soooo much easier to care for on the outside than he was on the inside. So much. He nurses like an expert and typically sleeps almost through the night - usually waking just once to nurse and goes right back to sleep. He's easily soothed, doesn't spit up, has no real elimination of body substances issues, and really only cries for good reason. I've had no nipple soreness or issues even though he nurses like 12 times a day. Life is so much better now that my anxiety is mostly gone. I didn't even realize how paralyzing it was until it wasn't there anymore. Physically ...I feel so much better. The absence of pelvic pain and being able to walk again alone makes me feel like a new woman. The golden child has been absolutely wonderful ...she is at least as in love with her brother as I am. This whole process has been so much easier because of her help . . . she's always willing to hold/cuddle/run for objects/allow me to shower and look human.

My weight is down 33 pounds ..and I only gained 13 during the pregnancy. I'm super psyched about that. I know a lot of it is fluid and the dreaded swelling finally resolving. ...but it does tell me how lovely life would be without PCOS. What to do to keep that under control?

The baby rolled over several times tonight ...from belly to back ..which um...is WAY early and terrifies me for what is to come! I had to take video because my own mother didn't believe me.

The new king of our household is stirring ....more tomorrow ( I hope!)

Home

The Birth Story - Part One

I don't know if anything in my life ...anything ... has felt better than pulling into my driveway last night with my family. My entire family. All of us alive and breathing independently. The symbolism of seeing the white picket fence surround my yard as we pulled in did not escape my very hormonal self. Home. Safe. Healthy. All four of us. I think I'm still in shock.

I never stopped contracting after the amnio. They slowed down to seven minutes apart but kept increasing in intensity. On Wednesday morning I had a mini-meltdown because I was exhausted and the fear of going into a c-section that tired was terrifying. I hadn't slept since Saturday night. Around 7 or 8 I managed to develop crazy wretched diarrhea - which includes a story so flipping disgusting and funny that it deserves it's own post - and thought ..umm.... uh-oh. My blood sugars had dropped significantly. Even without any insulin at all, my after breakfast reading was 78. And I thought ..ummm..not good. Because the only reason for that to happen would be a sudden drop in hormones - so I'm either in labor for real, or there is something wrong. For some reason, I proceeded to run errands! Went grocery shopping for our "last meal", went and picked up some meds at the vet's office, stopped at the office for a second, and went to the pharmacy for Monk's medicine. On the way home, I timed the contractions and realized I was back to 4 minutes apart. I got really dizzy and lightheaded, called Monk, and we went to the hospital for the NST and BPP. Contractions continued to worsen. The NST was actually fine. The Biophysical profile looked a little worse ...the score went from 6 to 5. She measured him and thought he was probably 8 lbs 8 ounces which made me feel a LOT better. No attempts at breathing. Very little movement. We had a lot of "do you want to wait" and "I'm scared as shit about stillbirth" conversations. She knew this - because we talked about it endlessly at every visit. It was the reason for the frequent NST's, the hyper-management of blood sugars ..everything. She thought I had OCD about it and needed to relax for most of the pregnancy. The OB/friend decided to do the section that day. I, of course, had eaten lunch trying to improve the NST and BPP so she scheduled the section for as soon as possible after anesthesia cleared me. Anesthesia agreed to 7 pm. We called and told family. Contractions promptly became excruciating and 2 minutes apart. I thought ..Hmm. Maybe I should just Vbac?? I really didn't want a section and things seemed to be moving along swimmingly well. The OB came into the room to chat about the possibility ...and the baby promptly had some late decelerations. They decided to take him right then. The NICU team was called in for the delivery. They warned me that he might need to go to the NICU because of the kidney and immature lungs. I watched the isolette roll into the delivery room and started to panic.

Can I just say that spinal anesthesia with duramorph is the best invention EVER? Never hurt going in and I literally never felt a thing throughout the section. Nothing. No pressure, no pain. It couldn't have been more different than the golden child's section. I was amazed all the way through. I did, however, lose my blood pressure right after the medicine went in and that was less than comfortable. Someone asked if I was okay ...I couldn't talk ...looked at the monitor and saw 60/22 as my blood pressure. I started to pass out and throw up. I had a very real but fleeting thought that I was dying ...then the reversing meds started to work and my blood pressure came back.

Monk did amazing throughout the entire thing. He was nervous before the section ...tearful at times. Took xanax. Thought about maybe taking three. But in the room? He was extremely calm and reassuring. Even stood up to look when they pulled out the baby. He started crying immediately. Screaming, in fact. My OB/friend pulled him out and said, "He's beautiful, Shauna. He's healthy." Monk and I started crying. She handed the baby to the NICU team. I said, "How are his eyes??" which was supposed to be our code for "does he have Down's?" She said, "I didn't look that close!!" The anesthesiologist asked what was going on ...I told her ..she took our camera and went to take a picture of the baby's face and brought it back to me. He was fine. Absolutely fine. I kept telling the OB/friend that I loved her because I couldn't imagine a more comfortable birth.

All of a sudden the OB/friend said, "Ohmygod, Shauna. Ohmygod...this was the problem." And she held the umbilical cord up for me to see. It had the largest, tightest, true knot that I could ever possibly imagine. Ever. If my water had broken or if I had attempted a VBAC? The baby would have died. The months of early contractions? Likely due to his distress and not getting enough oxygen and nutrients. Even now, I can't stop thinking about what might have been. What easily could have been. It's overwhelming.

Continued tomorrow . . .

Baby A2 ....

Birth Day

Quick post ..still in the hospital.

After much drama, Baby A2 was born healthy and alive on 06/24 at 7:53 p.m. Eight pounds, 1 ounce. 20 inches long. He and I are both doing very well ...the c-section was the easiest thing ever ...the hours of labor leading up to it not so much.

Full story to follow.

The peace I feel? Indescribable.

Status Quo . . .

I was supposed to go in for a non stress and biophysical profile at 3 ...but instead I'm already home. I started having contractions again around 10 this morning ...and when I decided to pay attention, I realized that they were 4 minutes apart. Monk had stolen my car keys this morning so I didn't decide to make a trip to Ikea (2 hours away) ...so he had to come home from work early to get me. When I got to the hospital, I was still contracting so they started an IV {again} and gave me a litre of fluid. My blood sugar was 75 ....so the MFM stopped my insulin. Ack. That makes me nervous. She wants me to be higher for the next couple of days and said to call if it hits 160. The contractions stopped after the fluid. The biophysical profile and NST were essentially the same. No better ...no worse ...so the kid is in until at least tomorrow barring some unforeseen run of labor again or something..

I'm soooo tired. Like ..crazy ridiculous super sleepy tired. I've taken like 3 naps and slept for at least 10 hours last night. I don't know what's up with that. I've already self diagnosed myself with all sorts of fun stuff ..when in reality, my body is probably making some attempt to get things ready. But my brain wouldn't be surprised if I ended up with cardiomyopathy of pregnancy or something.

I'm not nearly as anxious as I was last night ...but not exactly what I call comfortable, either. Everytime the baby doesn't move for 20 minutes I'm about ready to stroke. Then he kicks me firmly in the liver and I calm back down.

The golden child spent the night at a friend's last night and went to the beach with her family today. She's texting me about every 30 minutes to make sure everything is okay ..so I know she's still crazy anxious on one side. On the other, she's pissed because I won't let her and the friend spend the night here tonight. Umm....is that awful? I just don't see how it's a good idea to have a kid spend the night when we could theoretically have to leave them here in the middle of the night and go to the hospital? I must be hormonal because I don't feel like it's an irrational decision but feel incredibly guilty for saying no to her when I know she's stressing and the friend offers welcome distraction.

In other news ...there is so. much. freaking. drama in Monk's family right now that I could scream. And possibly become homicidal. His brother bought a lot and is almost done building a house behind his sister's house - like - literally in the back yard. It's such a long story ...but now the entire family is fighting non-stop. His brother and the wife are ....ignorant at best. It's about 90 degrees here today and they have my 70 year old father in law with a bad back hand grading their new lawn because they don't want to pay to have it done. My sister in law tries to cause drama wherever she goes. And I'm hormonal enough that I'm probably going to give plenty of drama back to her tonight. There's WAY more to the story than I could ever describe here. A good synopsis includes not having a mortgage and sponging off of your in laws for the past year, not doing your own children's laundry or caring about them at all, probably having an affair, and trying to drag people back into our lives that don't need to be there. I called Monk at work today to tell him that I don't want her evil demon skin touching the baby or showing up at the hospital.

He suggested that I was possibly over-reacting.

Hmm. I might be.

I consider it justified. :)

Chaos

So. Today didn't go quite as planned. Actually, it started with last night when we started frantically getting all of our stuff together and moving assembled baby things where they would need to be when we got home. I walked into the bonus room to find the golden child curled in a ball with an upset stomach. Worried that I wouldn't live through the c-section or that something was wrong with the baby. She was still upset after several hours of reassurance and cuddling. Weird that I would have a medically anxious offspring, no?

Monk and I got NO sleep. None. Had to be up at 5:30 to get to the hospital on time. I might have dozed once from like 3:00 - 3:06. Soooo anxious. And nervous. And scared. And mournful. It's weird to say goodbye to a pregnancy you know will be your last. I wanted Monk to be all lovey dovey over feeling the last movements on the inside. Then I was upset that he wasn't concerned that I might die. Then I was sure the baby would be born with 12 eyes and no heart and 1 really screwed up kidney. It just went on and on. Why is this my last pregnancy? Because honestly? I don't do it well. I can't handle the anxiety that comes with it.

Went to the hospital. Had the amnio. Which seriously?? Was nothing. As in ..I've given myself insulin injections that hurt more. Which really pisses me off. Because it was sooo controlled and so not a problem that I really wish we had done the amnio way back when so I could have been less paranoid and more settled one way or another. After 2 1/2 hours, the results were back. Two of the three tests were "transitional" ...meaning ..lungs could be ready ..could not be. The third test was "absent" ..or not ready. I think the OB/friend was afraid to tell me. I grovelled a bit ..worried about still birth after 38 weeks with gestational diabetes. She agreed to do an ultrasound. The baby ...who was 5 pounds 7 ounces on his last scan FOUR AND A HALF WEEKS ago was only 6 lbs 3 ounces. And they were expecting 8 1/2 to 9 1/2 pounds. His kidney is still very goofy. His head size went from 4th percentile to 75%th. Abdominal circumference went from 95th% to 22nd percentile. Official diagnosis? Asymmetrical intrauterine growth restriction. Which is ...umm...not great with the lung immaturity. Sooo ...they had the MFM come over and re-scan to confirm the measurements. She wants the baby in until Thursday ...and then out regardless of lung maturity. She thinks that it might make the difference between NICU and mechanical ventilation or not. He also failed part of his bio-physical profile. His official score is 6/10. Umm. I'm not a math major ..but 60% doesn't sound great to me.

Why the IUGR? No idea. She thinks maybe not enough weight gain and too strict control of blood sugars? Umm..seriously? I'll kill someone ...because this was NOT easy, and the MFM doc RODE MY ASS at every single appointment about every ounce of weight gain and any blood sugar higher than 90 in the morning or 120 one hour after eating. Other possibilities include the kidney being worse than we think ...the measurements being wrong, etc. The placenta failing because of the diabetes. The gods conspiring against me.

So the current plan? Daily NST's until Thursday with a biophysical profile...delivery at 9 am Thursday if they stay the same and don't worsen.

Assuming we both live that long. And that I don't become addicted to some weird anxiety medicine that I don't have a prescription for. They don't make enough drugs for this kind of anxiety.

And this becoming a mama thing? Not for the feint of heart.

37 weeks

Does anyone else see the irony in the fact that I refused an amnio that would have given me peace of mind and/or adjustment time out of fear only to have an amnio at 38 weeks for lung maturity?

LAST PRENATAL APPOINTMENT TODAY. Very likely the last ever ..cause umm..barring some unforeseen change I don't think I'm accidentally going to swallow clomid for a week and rape my husband on an every other daily basis for two weeks. That being said, I did get the "What are your contraception plans after birth?" routine from the OB nurse. I said, "Umm...infertility, PCOS, recurrent pregnancy loss, and breastfeeding." She said, "I'll just write declined." Okay then.

Official last weight? Up a total of 13 pounds. Which honestly? I'm pretty happy with. I very honestly could have done a lot better. I probably could have gained a total of zero if I had worked at it. But ..I'm content with 13. Especially because she thinks the baby is going to be 9 1/2 lbs by next monday. Umm. Ouch. That's all I can say. He's going to be a teeny tiny head big bellied baby. Everything else still looks good. Blood pressure perfect ...swelling hasn't gotten any worse. Normal labs. No protein. Three days of work left and I made it without missing an entire week for bed rest though I had days here and there scattered in. And actually? I feel pretty good right now ...for maybe the first time this entire pregnancy. Now that baby has settled soooo low into my pelvis, the contractions have virtually stopped as well as the pelvic pain. Blood sugars are still perfect {with insulin}. I tried to bribe her into telling my husband that there was a secret twin during the delivery after watching that new show on TLC last night.

And this stupid pubic symphysis dysfunction? I had literally never heard of it before I got it and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It was the bane of my existence for the entire pregnancy.

Six days left. Six. I feel like I just peed on a stick on Halloween like ...2 weeks ago. Six days and we'll know what we know ...for better or worse. And then my still birth cord accident bad kidney huge baby Downs syndrome anxiety can move on in whatever direction it takes me.

Assuming his lungs are mature. And if they aren't ? At 38 weeks? I'll probably cry like a buffoon until the OB takes mercy on me and takes the baby out anyway. Diagnosis for early elective delivery with immature lungs? Maternal psychosis. That should work.

Wish us luck! I'll update as soon as I can.

36 weeks

So the visit today went well. The baby has dropped ..really, really low ..which is likely why I feel so much freaking cervical pressure all of the time. I'm dilated to 2 cm. Lots and lots of contractions which...who knows? Maybe early labor ...maybe all braxton hicks. She scheduled the c-section for the 22nd again after an amnio to prove lung maturity. Assuming nothing happens on it's own between now and then.

Umm. That's two weeks. From today.

Holy Shite I have a lot of stuff to get done!

Mental

Has anyone watched Mental on Fox? I don't know if it's the health care provider in me or what ..but I totally love it. Last night's episode was ...interesting. An OB/Gyn husband so desperate for a baby that he convinced himself AND his wife that she was pregnant ....and she had physical symptoms, a swollen belly, everything ..even though she wasn't. It was an interesting perspective of infertility from the male side.

Life in my world is pretty much the same. I continue to have false labor episodes on a daily basis ....contractions 5-8 minutes apart for several hours and then it stops. It'll be interesting to see if my cervix has changed at all at my appointment on Monday. Very, very frustrating on my end because it is soooo incredibly uncomfortable. I go from being sure that I should take an ambulance to L&D to ..umm..nothing. Bizarre. The golden child is desperate for me to not give birth until Thursday. She has her last 8th grade field trip (an overnighter to a huge amusement park in the next state) tomorrow and Monday ...graduation on Wednesday followed by a sort of junior prom. She's ecstatic with excitement about it all and terrified that the baby may try to steal her Thunder.

One of the few things that makes me more comfortable during the pretend labor sessions is a huge exercise ball. Last night ...I was sitting on it during some particularly intense contractions that had me feeling like there was a knife in my cervix. When I stood up ...my pants were completely soaked. Drenched. Wet. Didn't think that I peed at all. Monk flipped out and started running around getting ready to go to the hospital ...I convinced him to wait and see. I haven't really had any more fluid leakage so I'm assuming that I peed my pants. Lovely. Pregnancy is infinitely filled with glamour, no? I don't feel well today at all. I wake up super early every morning now ..which is NOT my style. I got ready for the day when everyone else was still safely tucked in bed and went to the grocery store. I had to abandon the trip half way through because I felt SO rotten. Contracting, about to have diarrhea, pass out, sort of short of breath ick. Thought maybe it was a blood sugar issue ...but that really has been very, very well controlled and it was fine. Came home to rest ...and I'm still having contractions every 6 minutes right now.

So ..do I run to labor and delivery ever 14 seconds and have them find out that I'm a psycho? Or blow it off and have it be the real thing and deliver on my living room floor? I'm just a nervous wreck all the time. I think I need to bring home some supplies from the office so I can do amniotic fluid checks and what not and feel better about the whole thing.

I still have so. much. to. get. ready. Every time I think we're set ...I remember about 20 additional things that we absolutely have to have. How many "last trips" to Babies R Us do you think I can make???

shadows and healing

I live fairly close to a huge outlet center. Monk has been desperately searching for this specific pottery barn canvas that he wants to stretch and hang in the living room. He called the outlet tonight and they happened to have one in. So ...off we went trying to rush there before they closed. As I walked...well...to be honest, probably waddled ...into the store, I immediately flashed back to a trip I made there last summer. I've been there a million times since ...but for some reason it struck me this time. I remember hiding in one of the aisles last summer, eyes brimming full of tears. I was coming off of loss number three ...and it seemed like everyone in the entire store and outlet center was 8 or 9 months pregnant. It was more than what I could stand at the time.

Less than a year later ...it was me 8 months pregnant and wandering the store looking for baby bedding and cute shelving and decorations. I took a couple of minutes and looked around ...searching the shadows between the aisles for the old me. Searching for the women still hurting and aching for someone to fill their bellies, hearts, and eventually arms.

psychosis

So I think I'm totally psychotic or something. I didn't get over my organic milk crisis until like 2 p.m. today or something. It's insane to have no control over your emotions at all.

I called the MFM this morning to ask about the teenie tiny head. He said he doesn't think that there is anything to worry about. Apologized for not saying anything at the appointment. He didn't notice how off the percentage was when the RN scanned me. He said that with the chaos of the appointment and the non-reactive stress test and then me passing out on the table it just got missed. That he would have normally re-scanned it himself to get a more accurate measurement. He went over the pictures again and said that it was a really bad angle because the baby's head is sitting directly on my cervix (comfy, yes). Anyway. He made me feel better. Or at least stop hyperventilating.

Then I had my OB appointment early because I started spotting again. She sent me in for more monitoring. Turns out that I spot during fairly intense contractions because umm..I'm trying to dilate or something. Then she told me that she was going to have to move my C-section date back by a week because of new hospital and keystone guidelines that forbid scheduled sections before 39 weeks. Okay seriously? I know I chaired a Keystone ICU best practice committee for several years. But umm..right now? I'd like to tell Keystone where to go. So anyway. I'm currently grappling with: 1) doing what she says and relaxing when contractions pick up and 2) attempting to run a marathon when I start contracting to force labor early. I think I'll compromise and go her way for another 2 weeks and then what's fair is fair. Right? Right.

Open message to the overly chatty somewhat older and very full figured woman in the OB waiting room (notice that I'm such a witch that I have to call her fat while complaining about how she called me fat):

Not everyone wants to be asked how pregnant they are, what they are having, when they are due. I realized my turn was shortly coming because you assaulted every new mom and pregnant woman in the room with the same questions and rude comments about their answers. Can I just tell you that it was not a good idea on my psychotic day to ask me how many children I was having? Two? Three? Four? And to "apologize" by saying that not everyone shows as well as me? Ummm...seriously lady? You're lucky you lived through that today. Seriously. If you had been smart, you would have asked my husband what happened when he suggested I buy non-organic milk yesterday before opening your mouth in my general direction.

tempting fate

I don't know what's wrong with me ...but today was like ..an incredibly awful day. I don't know if it's pregnancy hormones or something else ...but I've been crying for about 12 hours and can't get myself under control.

It started with a fight with Monk about milk in the grocery store. Literally? Milk. I buy organic. He whines because it's like 4 times the price. And today? The regular stuff was on sale. So ..I felt my anxiety going up as we came around the corner knowing he was going to try and push it again ...and made a couple of incredibly bitchy comments. He got pissy ..whatever. In the check out lane, he said something else about the milk AGAIN ..and I freaking lost it. In public. Grabbed the keys and stormed out of the store crying like an idiot. And I haven't stopped since.

While I was sitting in the car, I found the latest ultrasound measurements which I hadn't really looked at. The baby's head circumference is in the 4th percentile. Everything else is at least 40th. Abdomen? 90th. Umm. I have no idea what that means but I've now spent at least 10 hours crying over it. Do Downs babies have a smaller noggen? Umm..google says yes. It also says lots of really wonderful things about what it means. If it weren't a holiday, I probably would have paged the MFM just because I'm being a psycho. I would like to think that he would have said something at the appointment if it was a big deal?!?!? No? I don't know. I can't get out from under the anxiety long enough to formulate a rationale thought. I just keep thinking that I know that something is wrong with the baby. Like ..when they hand him to me and he's not right ...I'll be like ..well. Yeah. I knew that was going to happen. And the thing is? Monk {and his entire family} has an impossibly small head. So ...I don't know if I was expecting a boulder or what ...but 4th percentile??

In the end ..I'm thinking that my emotions are triggered by tempting fate. I spent the entire weekend washing/folding baby clothes. Getting the room decorated. Putting together baby crap which I'm sure is mostly unnecessary. I mean seriously ..swings these days? I think they are designed for parents that never actually want to have to touch their children or interact with them or something. I could feel my anxiety creeping up with every object that got moved into his room. Car seat out? Palpitations.

All weekend, I kept thinking about my sister-in-law. She is Jewish, and when we had the shower for my brother's first baby, all of the stuff had to get moved to her mom's house. She didn't allow a single item in the home before the baby was born. Bad luck. Not a good idea in the Jewish faith or something.

I ordered a monogram of his name for his wall. A freaking monogram. With his name. Had it delievered to my house.

I feel like I'm asking God to punish me.

Feeling the Stretch

This pregnancy has been so completely odd for me. The slow realization that it was REAL. Eventually thinking it might be a real baby that lived past 14 weeks. The belief that it would turn into a real live human being. My son. I've only recently - and by recently, I mean days - been able to visualize actually having a newborn in our lives. Seeing him in our home. Watching his room {slowly} come together. I've wondered, lately, what our relationship will be like. How it will change my relationship with Monk. And with my daughter. Wondering how and if it will compare to my relationship with my daughter.

She and I have been together - and mostly alone - for a very long time. There has never been anything that she had to truly compete for. Time, yes. Graduate school ...yes. But in all honesty? There was never a competition. If she needed something, everything else was trumped without question.

This week, with her sick and me with multiple appointments for the soon to be sibling, things got trumped that I would normally never have thought about. Although she's 13, it tore my heart out to leave the house and leave her here alone for a few hours with a fever of 104 and feeling like crap. But - at the same time - I was spotting and her brother's life could have been in jeopardy. It was a first for us. I gave her motrin. Loved her up {from a distance due to contagion} and called in a grandma to substitute for me.

So begins the next chapter in all of our lives.

She's doing much better this morning ...fever, cough, and runny nose all but gone. Eyes are bright again and she asked if she could run this morning. We still don't have the official results ...but I'm so glad that we got her on the tamiflu as quickly as we did. Even with it, her lungs sounded horrible for a while. Little reminders of our distant asthma past.

This weekend, because we're incredibly cheap, we returned all of the big ticket items to babies r us that we got at the shower and re-bought them with coupons. We ended up with an extra $300 and bought the majority of the rest of the stuff that we needed. Kind of tacky ..but umm...whatever. They should give people the coupons when they buy the stuff! Now we're going to spend today doing some more painting, assembling, washing, and trying to get everything else ready.

Four weeks left??!? Are you kidding me?

Moose. Pig. Dog.

This is how I'll summarize my last 24 hours:

1. Moose: The baby is ginormous. Like...5lbs 7oz at not quite 34 weeks. Hmm. Imagine if I hadn't kept checking my blood sugars and started insulin? This morning was insane. I started out with a nonstress test which was umm...non-reactive. I left sort of against medical advice with a promise to come back so I wouldn't miss the appointment with the MFM. Because umm...if something is wrong with the baby, he'd have to come look anyway. And his office is across the street from the hospital. So I went there ....and promptly passed out on the ultrasound table. Which is cool when the doc knows that you're a NP and should have probably have mentioned that you weren't feeling great before the syncopal event. Laying on my back for the scan with a moose compressing my aorta and inferior vena cava didn't feel very good. I started to get light headed and sweaty. Ohmygod the sweat. And nauseated. But kept my trap shut because I wanted him to finish the scan. It ended up taking over 2 hours because they kept having me lay on my left side for five minutes to recover. The baby's kidney is still dilated, but minimally so. He recommended to re check after birth and see a peds nephro if still needed. My cervix was F.I.N.E. I mentioned that I had some spotting a couple of weeks ago and again this morning (like ..honestly 10 drops of blood on 3 occasions) prior to these contraction episodes. He thinks that I probably had a marginal placental abruption and that's what was causing the problems. Lovely. More rest. Re-check on Tuesday. Back to L&D to check the NST again. Nothing good happened until I ate a half of a granola bar and then he went insane. Which prompted lots of early fat kid jokes from his ever present and loving father. I'm pretty sure they were supposed to call the MFM to see if he wanted me to stay overnight but didn't. So I just left when they said I could. Now I feel guilty...but there was a pig and a dog to tend to. Fears of Downs? Not so much better ....I don't know why I thought they would be.

2. Pig: I ended up taking the golden child in last night because even with high dose motrin AND tylenol her temp was still 104 ..and I'm paranoid. We're still waiting for the swine flu tests to come back ...but she's on treatment anyway with antibiotics and antivirals. She's mad because Monk (who is ..strangely enough ...a germophobe) is chasing her around the house with a can of Lysol. She does feel much better today and is afebrile. Still has a nasty cough.

3. Dog: My little baby cocker girl has super bad congenital hips and needs major surgery that we can't really afford right now. I guess she must have fell coming up the porch steps this morning (no one saw it ...we just heard the tumble) and is now barely walking. Breaks. My. Heart. I'm trying to decide if I should take her in to the vet and waste the $200 or what. Or just wait and hope it gets better with some extra pain meds.

I did take the advice to not watch any baby story/episodes of deliver me ...because ..my God. I'd probably end up in the nutter butter house. Which...probably wouldn't be good for the Moose because I'd try and eat my way out.

And I can't help myself. Jon and Kate. Are you freaking serious right now???

Bed Rest and Ice Cream

I want ice cream. In the worst way. Which ...you know. Isn't possible being diabetic and all. Especially because I'm getting more and more insulin resistant every hour and now even need a ton of insulin to eat a poached egg. Lovely. Fortunately, I have nothing but time to sit around and think about how much crap I want to eat but can't because I'm on bedrest for a few days again. I'm cool that way.

I've been having mini-labor episodes since Tuesday. I'll have super strong ohmygod my abdomen is going to split open and why does my cervix have a knife in it type sensations that last for 2 to 3 minutes and occur every 5 minutes for like ....an hour and a half ..and then it stops. On Tuesday when I was at work and realized that I'd had 5 contractions while I was in with the same patient, I decided maybe I should time them. Because I was either in with the patient WAY too long or the contractions were way too close together. I was already scheduled for a NST right after work ...so I just went to L&D and called the OB on the way. When I got there, there were so many women in labor that I had to wait like a half hour for a room. I drank a gallon of water and they stopped. When they hooked me up to the monitor, I was having contractions every 4 minutes that I wasn't feeling. Lovely. The baby was having some variable decelerations in heart rate ...to the 120's. They tried to tell me it was normal but I'm still paranoid about it. They decided I could go home and take it easy. Had another hour long bout of contractions. Yesterday, contractions were painful but very intermittent throughout the day at work and then got serious at 4:00. After they hadn't stopped in an hour and a half, I called the on-call OB and he put me off work. He thinks that it's essentially just uterine irritability (Umm..what? Part of me being irritable? Pshaw), but that even though my job is what I like to think of as sedentary, there's a lot of get up get down get up get down twist bend look at this. Oh. And the stress of having a psycho boss. Who's reputation now apparently precedes her. I cried for a bit. Whined on facebook. Tried to go to bed but started having contractions that were 7 minutes apart and lasted for four hours. It took everything I had NOT to wake up my entire house and go back to labor and delivery. I finally fell asleep around 3 am. I've had some here and there contractions today but nothing regular.

So I'm off work and on the couch until at least tomorrow when I have another NST and a Level II ultrasound with the MFM to check on the baby's kidney. And my placenta. And my cervix. And ...can I just say? I have a lot of crap to do if I'm going to be home. Thank you notes to write for the shower. Baby clothes to wash. Nursery bedding to buy(because we still can't decide !?!?!), a room to decorate. Last minute necessities to make sure that we have in case he decides to make an early entrance. Honestly? It makes my cervix hurt to think about everything that MUST get done and all of the stuff that I can't do.

To top it off ...sitting on the couch has left me riddled with anxiety. I accidentally watched an episode of some TLC delivery show in which the parents were handed a lovely newborn with Downs that they weren't expecting and it set me off on a 3 hour crying tirade this afternoon. Can't. Stop. Thinking. That. I. Should. Have. Had. The. Amnio. To. Prepare. Myself. Then ..about 2 hours after the local news revealed that there is a local case of H1N1, the golden child called home sick from school (which hasn't happened since she was 6). I got off the couch to go get her to find a red faced febrile awful looking thing that had a sudden onset of sore throat, fever, headache, runny nose, body aches, fatigue, and cough ...that umm...looks like SWINE to me!! I brought her home, did a quick exam on her, sterilized myself, medicated her and quarantined her in the teenage haven she calls her bedroom. She's still in there sleeping 4 hours later.

My current train of thought goes something like this: swine, downs, NICU time, early contractions, ohmygod money if I'm off work 6 weeks early, downs, swine, golden child with asthma and swine, hubby (AND ME!) with diabetes and swine, flipping want some ice cream, etc., etc, etc.

It might be a long holiday weekend in these parts.

32 weeks. Or I suck at blogging.

Honestly. The more pregnant I get ...the less my brain works. I feel like I have nothing to say, like, ever. I'm so boring it's painful.

The pre-term labor is essentially done, as far as I can tell. I do get the joy of weekly appointments from here on out supplemented with twice weekly non-stress tests. It's made work interesting. Scheduling and re-scheduling patients 3 times a week has become a full time job for our receptionist.

Oh ...and I'm huge. Did I mention that? I could totally wear my own pants until 3 weeks ago and now my maternity pants feel like they barely fit. It's insane. I keep looking down at my stomach and feeling like someone else has taken over. Weight is up 8 pounds total ...which sucks seeing as they want a 10 pound maximum.

I had my first shower ...it was actually very nice. I was very surprised that I wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as I thought it was going to be. We made 4 adults have a bottle drinking race which may have been one of the funniest things I've seen in a very long time. I'd highly suggest it at any of your showers....when you have them!

The bigger my belly gets, the less angst I feel about everything else. Monk and I are actually getting along again for some reason ...the awkwardness passed as quickly as it came and with no real conversation. I'm not sure what all of that was about. The nursery is finally coming together. I'm starting to have panic attacks about what it's going to mean to have a newborn again. My friend brought her 1 year old to my shower and I nearly died at all of the work it was to chase him around.

The golden child is doing really, really wonderfully. She had her last middle school orchestra concert and sat first chair for violin. I was very proud of her. I also cried when the 8th grade conductor stepped down half way through the last song and the high school conductor took over. Very emotional for a pregnant woman, let me tell you. She made me what is perhaps the funniest mothers day poster I have ever read ..which I will someday have to type the text of into here ..because well...it completely hi lites all of the wonderful and terrible things about having a teenager and being pregnant at the same time.

I get so much more out of reading and commenting on blogs now than I do from actual blogging ..so even though I'm quiet here ...know I'm still keeping track of everyone.

Please keep your thoughts and prayers will Mo & Will this week and next during the dreaded 2 week wait. Mo's at the end of her hope rope and could use us all. Send her a few extra feet!

30 weeks and counting

So ..my life has been fairly adventurous lately. I missed 2 1/2 days of work this week because ..umm...I had Pre-term labor. After 2 days of super strict bed rest, my back hurt so much that I couldn't stand it for another second.

Oh. And I was ready to poke my eyeballs out with boredom. It did dramatically slow down the contractions. And my cervix length is {relatively} stable. So I went to work for a half day yesterday and then back to the doctor today. And can I just say? Being Diabetic when the doctor didn't even manage to diagnose it is a big pain in my keister??? I've had a single out of range blood sugar that I covered with more insulin and she yelled at me about watching my carbs closer. And ...my fasting blood sugars are ranging in the 90's to a max of 105 and she wants me to start long acting insulin at night. So I can ..umm...die in my sleep or what? Half the time I wake up and it's in the 70's. So I take insulin and hope to wake up with a blood sugar above 40? Argh.

Frustrating.

To add to the convenience? Being diabetic and having contractions bought me a free pass to labor and delivery twice a week for the duration of my pregnancy for non stress tests. Twice a week. And once a week visits in the office. I still haven't figured out how I'm going to actually ..you know ...make money and support my family with that type of schedule.

In good news ...I bought a new {and cheaper!} maternity support belt which, for at least today, has dramatically helped the back and pelvic pain. I was actually able to walk around a bit today and not want to die. Yesterday was NOT a good day. I had about 20 mini mental breakdowns because the pain was so severe I really wasn't in a place where I thought I could handle it for another 8-10 weeks.

Progress?

Registered? I did it. Don't know if it's right ...but such is life.

Onesies? I bought 'em. And a take home outfit or two as well. I even threw in a couple of bottles and pacifiers.

Crib and baby furniture? It's in ...gotta pick it up from the store today.

Super cozy rocker/recliner? Bought one.

Name? We picked one.

Now if only I could decide on a nursery theme and find some bedding . . .

Holy crap

I'm pregnant. Like. Really pregnant. Like...push myself up off the couch with my arms pregnant and this kid is coming our relatively soon pregnant. Yeah, yeah, yeah ...kind of late in the game to realize this? But umm..I have a TON of stuff to do. Suddenly, my shower is in 2 weeks. Can I tell you how much I don't want to have a shower??? My mom and sister have some ritzy fancy schmancy thing planned ...and I feel really uncomfortable about the whole thing. For one ..I had a shower with the golden child. Yes, it was 14 years ago. But I've already had a shower. For two? That's something that fertile people do ...not something that people with dead babies get to do. Bizarre. For three? Registering for a shower is a flipping nightmare as far as I'm concerned. I have no idea what I need. I'm completely freaking out about bottles, for some reason. I breastfed the golden child exclusively for 6 months ..and continued for 2 years. She never once had a bottle. I have no idea how to pump or store milk or bottle feed. That's a little intimidating to me.

This entire pregnancy has been so odd. The first time around, I literally didn't have hide nor hare of a complication. I read every book I could get my hands on. The thirst for knowledge was unreal. I might have cracked the spine on a pregnancy book twice so far this entire pregnancy. I still haven't registered for any childbirth classes or even pre-registered at the hospital - though I've made several trips to labor and delivery. I have a stroller and 1 sweater for the baby. Other than that? Nada. Haven't purchased one item. That's a lie. I ordered a crib online like 20 minutes ago. I don't know if I'm still in major denial or what my deal is??

I've had a gazillion complications. I'm completely regretting 1) having the triple screen and 2) not having the amnio because I have lingering worries that are at time paralyzing with fear about Downs. I think it would have been much better to either KNOW or be completely ignorant. I'm having ultrasound withdrawal because the MFM wants to wait until May 22nd to recheck the little guy's kidney ...and it freaks me out. My legs to my thighs are rock hard swollen with fluid which is disgusting. Pubis symphysis pain is so severe I walk to the bathroom on crutches every single night. I have contractions that last for about an hour and a half 3 nights a week. Oh. And I'm a full on diabetic on insulin ( a LOT of insulin). And I'm pretty much an emotional basketcase again. I cry at the drop of the hat. And not like ...I get teary. Like ...I'm wracked with sobs at the slightest disappointment or extra stress. Like my life is ending and I can't dig myself out of a hole. And then ...I'm fine like a half hour later. WTF??

The Diabetes thing weirds me out. I passed the 1 hour Glucose tolerance test. Passed outright. Didn't have to do the 3 hour. If I weren't a nurse practitioner that has OCD - they never would have checked my blood sugar again for the rest of the pregnancy. I wonder how many times I've done that to a patient??? Not two weeks after the test that I passed ...I'm already on 20 units of insulin per day and it goes up daily. This baby would have been 22 pounds. Or possibly died. That terrifies me.

Did I mention that I'm pregnant?? ACK! I think I have to go buy 600 onesies or something to make myself settle down a little.

Negatory

Fetal Fibronectin was negative, which is most excellent. She thinks that my uterus is just super irritable and I need to stay overly hydrated. I don't know if it's possible to drink any more water than what I've been forcing down ..but I'll try. They didn't call to give me the results until this morning. So I went back to work. And promptly got in a huge fight with my still absent boss over the phone. I'm thinking a job change following a prolonged maternity leave is in order.

And to tell you the truth? I won't even feel guilty about it.

28 weeks and hypochondria

So ...I must be a hypochondriac or something ...I swear.

I had my 28 week visit today. Weight stable at 6 pounds up ..which, frankly, I'm thrilled with seeing as Easter was yesterday and I ate enough for a small army. She claims that my 1 hour glucose tolerance test was "fine" ...meaning that I passed. But it was 129. When I explained that the fingerstick reading was 158 and the 2 hour finger stick was 171 she was concerned. Perhaps a little surprised when I said that I started myself on insulin ..but then again ..she knows me, so not that much. I'm sure this is what happened with the golden child who then grew to be 9 pounds 11 ounces 3 weeks early. So ..I'm going to keep testing. Maybe not so obsessively when I eat appropriately ..but at least twice a day and definitely if I screw up with carbs. She wants my goal to be less than 120 two hours post prandial or 140 one hour post prandial. I'm measuring 28. Visits go to every 2 weeks. Whoo hoo. My office manager is going to love me.

We had a really nice Easter yesterday ...even though I started out perturbed. Something that I still haven't figured out was up with my mother in law and she claimed she wasn't participating in Easter and was going to the casino instead. I sort of knew better and bought and made the dishes to pass that I would normally be asked to bring. At 6:00 on Saturday night she called to say that maybe she would make a ham and leave it at her house for the siblings. On Sunday morning, it turned out she was going to be there and could we show up with dishes to pass around 11:00 a.m.?? Umm....seriously ....I can't even tell you how pissed I would have been if I didn't pre-empt that. Anyway. Good day there ...good day at my mom's. A little awkward when my very newly married and not as newly pregnant step-niece and new husband got into a blow up fight in front of everyone. Yikers. I ate my weight in appetizers, dinner, and ...a first for me ...banana cream pie. Then injected insulin. I think I'm worse than a heroin addict.

I woke up at 3 am to pee and noticed I was really achy around my rib cage in the back on the right hand side ..I feared it was going to be another muscle spasm issue and tried to lay back down. The pain started to spread to the front. I went downstairs to try and lay on a heating pad. Pain got worse ...much worse. I got super nauseated and thought I was going to puke ...went to the bathroom ...pain spread to my chest ..like ..crushing ..elephant sitting on my chest ohmygod I'm dying chest pain ...I yelled for Monk ...he came to get me ...and it just kept escalating. I've never been so miserable ...ever. If I stood up the pain would go back under my ribs ...sat down ..crushing chest pain. I finally got into a very attractive tolerable pain-wise position of on my knees and elbows with ass in the air. Monk was freaking out. I was panicking ...I honest to god was sure I was going to die. I finally decided we had to go to the hospital ..called his mom to come stay with the golden child ...I stood up to put on a bra ..because ..you know ..even when I'm dying? I don't want people to kn0w that my nipples could get caught between my toes when I walk without a bra on ...

and the pain stopped. Just like that ...as quick as it started ...gone. WTF??!? When I was done hyperventilating, I decided it must have been a gall bladder attack caused by a stubborn heads up baby, cheesy potatoes, ranch dressing, and banana cream pie. Lovely. The OB agreed today but then got distracted by me having contractions in the office so I never figured out what to do about it.

She did a fetal fibronectin swab - which, if you haven't had the pleasure - is a cervical swab without lubrication speculum and all. Lovely. I'm supposed to wait for the call tonight. I guess it fairly accurately predicts if you are at high risk of delivering in the next 10-14 days. If it's positive ...It's all about bedrest and steroid shots. If negative...I'm off to work in the a.m.

OH ..and I got the day off today because there was no power in the building. The Easter Bunny does love me.

Holy scattered incredibly long post ...so sorry.

Gestational Diabetes - Take Two

I finally gave up the ghost and went for the glucose tolerance test, take 2. I knew that I would fail since I stopped the metformin, and I really didn't want to find out that I was diabetic the day before Easter so I delayed in the a way only the truly practiced procrastinator can delay. I tested before I went in. 128. Fasting. Not good, seeing as you qualify for insulin if fasting is higher than 95. 75 grams of carbs and an hour later I tested and got 158. Holy sheezers. I went home and started sulking, then started looking up weight based insulin dosing so that I could get the ball rolling and hopefully not have a baby in a sugar coma. About an hour later I felt really, really crappy. Like....I can't keep my eyes open crappy. Tested again. 171. Lovely. Injected my first insulin dose about 30 seconds later.

In other words ...the birthday cake for my mom, the cheesy potatoes, and the marshmallow/fruit salad/cool whip salad that I made to take to my mom's tomorrow? All totally off limits.

It's weird ...because even though I knew from before the beginning that it would end up this way, I'm still incredibly disappointed that it ended up this way. It also puts a fairly modest fast forward on timing ...the latest they'll let me deliver will be 38 weeks. Or June 22nd. Which umm...feels like it could be tomorrow or something. And I still have exactly 2 (two) baby items in the entire house and no nursery.

Yikers.

So I'm a witch

Maybe my pregnancy hormones are raging more than I would like to believe.

I live in a very quiet neighborhood ..but nearly everyone has issues on my street. We whimsically refer to it as Wisteria Lane. One neighbor is living with the other neighbors ex ..and the kids walk back and forth for visitation. Lots of drama, blah blah. My neighbor directly next door is the weirdest ...single dad ..2 kids. Except that he got remarried and moved to a different city 2 years ago and left his 15 year old in the house by herself so she could finish high school. So. My neighbor is a 15 (now 16) year old that lives alone in a $200k house. Um. I find it difficult to not call social services. Anyway.

The 16 year old is usually very quiet. Sometimes makes poor choices and we all watch out for her (leaving the garage door open all night, etc.). The last 3 nights, however, have been hellish. The first two nights, she had a few friends in the driveway and talked very loudly until 3:30 am. So loudly, that I felt like they were in my bedroom. I got progressively more annoyed until I opened the window and told her to take it inside because she was driving me nuts. Last night ..she had a party. 20 cars in the neighborhood. Music so loud the bass was shaking my house. Car horns? Honking non-stop. Just for the fun of it. Remote lock the car. Remote unlock the car. Outside running around and screaming like banshees. Until 6:15 a.m. I was pissed ..wanted to call the cops. Monk wouldn't let me. Neither of us slept for 5 minutes all night. I was LIVID by 6:30 a.m. and had to get up at 7:00 a.m. for work.

I had fantasies about egging the cars that were left over on the street. Then pulling in the driveway and honking my horn every 30 seconds until they were all awake and miserable. I was determined to call the abandoning father. Called another neighbor instead ...yeah ..they heard it ...only woke them up once or twice though. Another neighbor? Slept through the entire thing. WTF?

So I called another neighbor ..and had her call the dad to tell him that we were ticked ...and that he needed to be around to supervise more. He's all kinds of pissed off and is supposedly coming into town to deal with the whole situation. I'm sure his house is trashed.

And now I'm scared. And feel like I'm 90. Because seriously? When did I turn into the old lady that called and told parents about the party instead of the girl that's having the party??

Kissing the edge of viability

Tomorrow we hit 27 weeks ...the blurriest edge of viability in my mind. If born now, the baby has a 90% chance of survival.

I'm still amazed that we've made it to this point.

Mawwiage

So ...I didn't make it to work today. Strangely enough ...the weird pain is gone. I'm not sure if it was some kind of weird muscle spasm ..because a heating pad did actually seem to help ...or something with my liver ...or my gall bladder ...or if my son is growing a bowling ball sized head and tried to ram it through my liver into my throat last night. I'm thinking not gall bladder ...only because I had an extremely thorough gall bladder testing thing done about 3 months before I got pregnant and it was pronounced crazy healthy. Who knows. Maybe making it all squishy changed it or something. Either way...the pain is gone ...and I'm a happier though less fully employed girl today. I officially stopped the 2nd job ...with no real notice ...which sucks. I'll miss it dearly. It was challenging ...and different ...and I was surrounded by completely sane co-workers. So ..other than the challenging part? The complete opposite of my current full time job. Ha!

This post may be a little crazy ...because Monk and the child and I went to get custard a bit ago and I accidentally discovered a chocolate custard with marshmallow cream mixer thing that is conceivably the best thing I have ever tasted in my entire life. Ever. Not only am I a hyper spaz from the huge carb load ...but so is the 1/2 way there child. I think he might be trying to scratch his way out of my uterus with his toe nails.

My cervix is essentially the same thickness/size/what not today as it was a few days ago ...which is good. But she still wants me mostly on bedrest for the weekend and to come in for a check on Monday. I'm definitely still having contractions. This baby needs to stay put for quite a few weeks still.

So. Marriage. That still makes me giggle. Because when the hell did I get to be old enough to not only be married but to be analyzing my marriage? I still hear "Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togetha today..." from the princess bride every time I say it. Anyway. Monk and I are NOT connecting. I don't know why. I assume it's mostly me. There's the mostly non-existent sex life which is 99.8% my fault. But more than that ...there's suddenly this absence of hello/good-bye/goodnight kiss sweetness tenderness thing ..which is at least 70% me. He's been following me around like a lost puppy and I keep pushing him away every single time. I go upstairs ...he follows me. I come down ...he comes down. He tries to hug me when I'm making breakfast and I get irritated and mean. I've been quite literal and actually said, "I seriously need 5 inches of space. Please. Be less available for like ...an hour. Let me pee upstairs ALL BY MYSELF. Give me a chance to miss you and come to find you." And umm...nothing changes except the hurt in his eyes. I don't like that it's changed and I don't know why ...but I can't make myself work through it either. I'd be happy for any suggestions you can give.

Two AM Ramblings

It's currently 2 in the morning ...and I have to be up and at work in 5 hours. I can't sleep. I slept for about an hour and then woke up in quite excruciating right upper quadrant abdominal pain that immediately made me think "HELLP" syndrome. Now that the thought is there ...the anxiety is preventing sleep more than the pain, even. It's stupid. I don't know what possessed me to watch ER tonight other than the fact that it was the last episode ...but it's never good to watch a pregnant woman die during delivery when you are ...you know ..pregnant.

The last couple of weeks have been interesting. I went into some pre-term labor last Sunday for a little more than an hour ...contractions every 3 minutes or so for an hour that were fairly uncomfortable. The next day my cervix had started to thin and I've been a paranoid freak ever since. I've had a couple of random contractions here and there which I always immediately drown with about 2 quarts of water.

The pain is actually much better now that I'm sitting up and hunched forward with my elbows on my knees. Maybe I'll try and catch some quick z's like this. Otherwise ..I'm going to have to call in to work in the morning ...and I can't stand that idea :/. Wish me luck.

Week 25 Appointment

Is it me ...or is time flying by? I think it's rather amusing that I'm 25 weeks. Because I feel like maybe I'm 7 or something. Umm...perhaps time to get cracking on all things baby preparation ...no?

More for my records than anything else ....Week 25 appointment stats:

Weight up 6 pounds total. Bleh. I'm thinking I'm not going to make my 10 pound maximum gain goal. In my defense ...I'm going to guess I have at least 4 pounds worth of fluid still hanging around judging by the 3+ pitting edema that I still have. It's sexy. Seriously. I don't know how Monk keeps his hands off of me....what with the ankle rolls and all. My blood pressure when I got there was 140/90. She had me lay on my left side for like ..90 seconds ..and re-checked it and it had dropped to 115/54. Hmmm. She threatened me with bed rest. I assured her that I had stopped call and will work zero overtime. I'm going to have to talk to my second boss about taking a leave of absence until after my maternity leave. I hate the very idea of it if you want to know the truth. Heartrate was 156. I either don't remember or she didn't measure me. Strange. The next Level II ultrasound is scheduled with the MFM to re-check the baby's renal pelvis. She ordered physical therapy for the out of control pelvic pain as well as a molded pelvic support brace thingie. I have to get another glucose tolerance test but had her order glucose strips so I can check my blood sugar on my own because I'm incredibly paranoid about stopping the metformin. So much so that umm..I haven't stopped but am instead weaning myself off. I don't like change much.

In extra good news, the IRS sent me a very pretty letter today telling me that I owe them over $14k for my 2007 taxes because I failed to report $30k in income that I received from an insurance company that 1099'd me. Umm...after I picked Monk up off the floor, I realized that one of the insurance companies that I bill for services reported the income under my personal social security number instead of the business tax id number. Which um...is going to be a massive clusterf*** to try and fix. And ..strangely enough ...no one in my office remembers ever seeing a 1099 in my name. Or so they say.

Any bets on what my blood pressure was after reading that letter???

Sometimes ...

Having a day off makes me think I should take them all off. :)

MFM Love

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I think I'm secretly in love with my MFM doc. Which is odd. Cause . You know. I graduated with one of his 16 children. Some physicians are extremely knowledgeable and have the bed side manner of a stone. Others have the bedside manner of a saint and little knowledge to back it up. He is the perfect combination of the two. Very personable and honest. Extremely well read. His essence oozes knowledge and comfort.

I ended up calling the office this morning and explaining my addiction to Dr. Google and wondered if he could possibly call me back at the end of the day. He called at lunch and I asked a lot of questions about the enlarged renal pelvis and what that does to the odds that baby has Downs. He said that there were 1 or 2 studies that reported that it increased the risk, but several more that found no association at all. It's too late to do an amnio either way. He feels confident that the baby is fine. The renal pelvis is very minimally enlarged and there are no other markers anywhere. The baby is growing perfectly without any other abnormalities. In the end, we won't know for sure until he or the OB pulls the baby out { he offered to do my c-section if I want }. And I need to relax. Because. You know. Hypertension isn't great for the little bean with or without Downs.

I took the day off today and Monday. I think I'll even skip a couple of classes at the conference I'm going to this weekend with my best friend and spend a lot of time shopping at Pottery Barn Kids and other overly priced baby boutiques and take care of myself a little bit better.

I do remember a time when my life wasn't ruled by anxiety. Wonder if I'll ever meet that person again?

overwhelmed

That about it sums it up. Totally overwhelmed.

Yesterday? Work totally sucked. My boss, who suffers from a fairly serious mental illness that is completely untreated, has been in a bad cycle for a while. A death in the family in February set her off and she really hasn't worked much since then. Which means that it's me managing everything in the practice and being overwhelmed in general. Yesterday, she had a particularly bad day that she described as a migraine, and insisted that I leave the office in the middle of the day, an hour before my scan, and come to her house to give her injections for the migraine. Fine. Whatever. Other side of town from where I'm going and a huge time crunch. Rushed there ...and instantly became overwhelmed at the state of disarray of her home. Seriously. Overwhelmed.

Left there and went to the MFM appointment. I started to feel really weird in the waiting room. A female OB resident that I'm extremely fond of/have lunch with often because she used to be a student in my room was rotating with the MFM and came in for the scan. Her presence is always so reassuring. Very calming. However, by the time I got back into the u/s room, my blood pressure was 170/94. That, combined with 3+ pitting edema to my thighs and a crazy 9 lb weight gain in 2 days made him not very happy with me. They re checked my blood pressure at the end of the visit and it was 157/86. Still way too high. He felt that I was okay ..asked me to check my blood pressure twice a day, dip my urine daily to check for protein, and call to let the OB know that he wanted me to be seen there this week. The scan went okay. Baby is 1 lb 9 ounces. The parts of the heart he couldn't see before were fine. Placenta insertion site was fine. He's still very stubbornly breech and I was shocked at how high his head is up under my rib cage. The only abnormality he found was a very mildly enlarged renal pelvis in one kidney and suggested a re-scan in 4 weeks. Assured me that it's very common and nothing to worry about. Interestingly, he asked me to stop the Metformin because 1 study demonstrated an increased risk of pregnancy induced hypertension and he would rather that I be on insulin if I should need it. Hmm. I feel weird about not taking it ..but will obviously stop.

Left that office ...called the OB to let her know about the blood pressure and swelling expecting an appointment in her office this week and a serious discussion about my work schedule. Instead? She admitted me to labor and delivery for a PIH screening. Hmmm. Wasn't expecting that. After several hours, my blood pressure came down on it's own to 115/70 and all of my labs/urine were fine ...so they sent me home. Surprisingly? That 5 hours in the hospital was the most relaxed I've felt in months. They've restricted my work schedule and gave me a prescription for seriously attractive compression socks. I came home and went to bed.

For some stupid reason I decided to google enlarged renal pelvis and read "is a soft marker for Downs Syndrome" in the first line. I couldn't click a single link and have spent the last 2 hours in a total panic attack not able to cope with anything. I feel stupid ...but reading that one little line was enough to push me over the precarious edge I was sitting on. I spent a stupid amount of money on super cute maternity clothes from gap and old navy and banana republic. It was delivered today and I can't even make myself open the package and look at them.

I want a bottle of wine, a dark room, and a 3 month long nap. Instead, I have to make dinner, pretend to be functional, and take my daughter to track try outs. This will be considerably more difficult because I was so upset after reading that search result at work that I left without my purse, wallet, or cell phone. Hmm.