Saturday, November 29, 2008


It finally occurred to me that I am actually a nurse practitioner with a fairly well stocked office and microscope so I dragged myself into my office and checked things out. Definitely had a yeast infection ...which I still think is bizarre because I still only had symptoms right after the progesterone suppository. Anyway ...after treatment ..all is well with that part of my body again. TMI? Probably. Anyway. Thanks for all of the advice/support/encouragement.

As for the sex part ..I decided to hold off after it was so nicely pointed out that my husband might manage to absorb some of the progesterone. So ..umm...I offered him the opportunity for sore nipples and nausea but he declined. We'll wait another 3 weeks. I feel safer that way anyway. And also??....3 days until ultrasound!!?!?! I can't believe I actually made it without a paranoid freak-out this long. My latest paranoia is that I'm carrying 2 sets of identical twins or something. What's causing this particular paranoia, you ask? Umm...the fact that I SWEAR I can feel alien movement. And at 8 weeks? Umm...I'm either insane or carrying a small circus. But ..I have been pregnant before and it is a rather distinctive feeling. Seems to be happening every night around 7-7:30 or so. I wonder how hard the friend/OB will laugh at me when I tell her that?

Okay ..I have to run. I'm on call at the hospital this weekend ...managed to dislocate my jaw and can't do much about it without really good drugs that would kill any in a *massive* fight with my boss which ended with me calling her names that included "psychotic" "nut case" and "bitch" as well as offering her inpatient psych admission for her loonie self...and I also managed to pass out in the intensive care unit in front of about 35 doctors which then forced me to admit my pregnancy to all of them. Umm...good weekend all in all!

Anyone doing anything more exciting than crawling in bed with a hot water bottle on their jaw at 9 pm on a Saturday?

Hope everyone had a wonderful thanksgiving!

p.s. Monk would like me to point out that the jaw dislocation? Has NOTHING to do with the no sex going on in our house.

Monday, November 24, 2008


Does anyone out there that has had some experience with progesterone suppositories have some assvice for me?

They're starting to be a pain in the you know what. As in ...I feel like maybe I'm developing an allergy to them or a yeast infection (which I've never before had) or something. But the discomfort is only there for 10-15 minutes after I put it in. Is that normal?

And a side note. Anyone know the rules when using these things? Can you have sex? Cause ..umm...Monk would like to know. I assumed no ..but reality, I guess I'm not so sure.

The right sided pain is gone! It got SO bad that night and sort of radiated into my nether regions. I actually got up and got ready to go to the ER and it just suddenly passed. I don't know. I probably had a kidney stone or something which I've had before. My body never ceases to amaze me with all of it's issues.

I'm seriously not looking forward to the first OB appointment just because I know that she's going to do a breast exam and I pretty much feel like they should be protected by a force field right now. The slightest touch or brush against ANYTHING makes me want to cry.

Still worth it. All of the above. :)

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Date Night with Monk

I've been searching for a blog name for my husband ..because I hate typing "my husband" and finally settled on Monk. the OCD detective. This is something that I call him in our real life ...because it fits. Not in looks ...but he certainly has his own OCD issues. I never knew how much it fit until after we were married (though we dated for 6 years before we married we never lived together). So ..Monk it is.

Anyway ...Monk and I had a date night tonight. Went out to dinner and to see Role Models. It was tough to be out past my appointed 7:30 pm bedtime ..but I figured that I either had to put forth the effort or committ murder. Heheh. The movie? Very funny. Vulgar ..but very funny. I'm still trying to convince Monk that he needs to be more supportive and that it is not in any way healthy for me when he acts as though this baby is going to die with certainty. I obviously have the same fears of us needs to fake it. And with the tears I'm sensing that I'm the more vulnerable one it's his turn to man up. And that's that. :)

I suppose I should explain a little about where we started since I chose my first ever IComLeavWe to post about him being an un-supportive ass. I would love to pretend to the world that our relationship is perfect ...but it's not ..and so I don't. We first met when he was dating my best friend. Umm...yeah. They ended things on their own ..and he and I picked up a while after that. Even in the very beginning, we both knew that we had literally nothing in common. Like ...nothing. And I'm not kidding. I love travel and the outdoors and school. He'd be content to never leave our house or neighborhood for that matter. Monk literally counts how many glasses the golden child and I drink out of during the day because he thinks it is excessive. I choose a new glass per hour just to irritate him. He frantically cleans the house on an hourly basis. I have a pile of clothes four feet deep in my walk in closet and honest to God don't know how to turn on the vacuum or where we keep the garbage bags. He shops at 3 different grocery stores to save money. I don't even look at the price tags or look for sales when I go. I would love to move to Africa for a couple of years to work in a clinic and bring home adopted babies Angelina style. He says, "Have fun. I probably won't be here when you get back."

A year or so into the relationship, my dad died. And I went more than a little loonie over it. When I looked around - he was the only one standing that was still making sense. He kept me grounded through the most difficult thing in my life. Because of the lack of commonality, I tried and he tried to end things several times in the beginning. On one such incident, I honest to God freaked out and held on to his legs as he was walking away. He still teases me about it today. Embarrassing? More than you know. But it's honest and true and me. I can't live without him. I think that there were things that we both wanted in a relationship that probably aren't here ...but the basics are. So ...just know. He's not a creep the vast majority of the time. He is, in fact, a husband that many, many women would dream of having. Do dream of having. Tell me they dream about it, even. In the last 8 years, we've been through pretty much everything. Three dead babies. In my ideal world ...he would have been equally as heartbroken as me over that. He wasn't. He would have ached for a child the same way that I do. He would have shared in the total bliss that I felt when I first saw this last positive test. But in truth ...he doesn't. It's just one more thing that we don't have in common. He's much more reserved about giving love than I. Much more guarded. I don't expect him to really accept that the pregnancy is really happening and healthy until he sees the ultrasound. I do, however, expect him to shower me with love and respect and kindness. That part? He occasionally needs a little extra nudge in. This week was one of those times. He responded well to the nudge. Eight years later ...we're still learning.

I've had this really incredibly disconcerting pain in my right lower abdomen and can't stop thinking ectopic. It's a pain that I've had before ..but I can't remember when though I've never had an ectopic. I'm going to take some tylenol ...lay down...and try to avoid the emergency room. I'm almost certain I won't make it until Dec 2nd without an ultrasound.


Is a LOT better after 11 hours of sleep :P

Friday, November 21, 2008


Today was not such a great day. For some reason, I only had 3 patients booked in the am and 22 in the afternoon. My energy levels these days seriously peak at like 1:30 p.m., so even with sneaking home to nap at lunch ...I was exhausted by 6 pm when I finally finished dictating. And then my poor family had to suffer when I came home crabby and overly emotional.

I've gotten into at least 12 fights with my husband tonight...and generally feel fairly neglected and unloved. I'm thinking that's a hormonal thing as well, but it's still very difficult to temper my responses appropriately. I feel like I have to remind him 20 times a day that I'm pregnant and taking hormones 4 times a day. He acts like I'm using it as an excuse. In fact, he even managed to say, "That's getting old." when I responded that I was tired because I'm pregnant. Um... yeah. I haven't decided yet if we're ever going to talk again yet after that one.

One of the secretaries at work made me really, really think about the speaking out about infertility thing today. She's older ...I would guess in her 50's or 60's. She, for some reason, asked me out of the blue if I was doing fertility treatments. I hesitated. Thought about yesterday's post, and said, "Yes." It was difficult at best. She then proceeded to tell me her prolonged reproductive history which involved 8 years of failed IUI, IVF, and recurrent loss. I was shocked ...because I guess...I suck...and have a preconceived idea about people that I think would do that kind of thing. I felt like I needed to take a shower after the talk - and not because she upset me. I upset myself with my utter shock that she would have gone through infertility. Anyway. I'm learning. One day at a time.

The family practice doc that still delivers baby listened for a heartbeat today and found one fairly quickly. I'm trying not to be too reassured. As pissy as I'm feeling? My thoughts aren't so much about happy family with new baby as they are about being a single mama again.

I do actually love my husband when my body has somewhat normal levels of hormones in it.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

False sense of security

My progesterone level on Tuesday was 43.6 ..up from 16 ..which was down from 30 whatever. So I'm guessing that snorting progesterone like cocaine works. At least it's in my serum. Only god knows if it's making it to my actual uterus.

Work has been so ...overwhelming for the past two weeks. And that, coupled with multiple progesterone supplements daily is making me exhausted. As in ...I really fight falling asleep with patients by 1:30 in the afternoon ...and though I want to blog and read blogs and comment? I'm usually sound asleep by 7:30 p.m. My bff's baby shower is this weekend - 3 hours away - and I really don't know if I'm going to make it because the idea of driving that far and not falling asleep at the wheel seems impossible.

I think that normal numbers are giving me a false sense of security ..and that terrifies me. I know only too well that good numbers, seeing the heartbeat, etc., don't really mean that you get to bring a baby home ...but I'm suddenly thinking of being hugely pregnant, who I want in the delivery room, and actually trying to fight my husband about parenting decisions like circumcision and stuff.
D a n g e r o u s. Cause umm...I'm seven weeks. Which in my world? Is the same as having sex this morning and claiming pregnancy this afternoon.

Ms. April had an absolutely astounding post about "Screaming on the Inside" and letting the world know about infertility that I've been thinking about all week. Because mostly? I'm really, really bad about that. Even in practice, there are very few of my patients that I know are dealing with infertility and/or recurrent pregnancy loss that I've opened up to at all. One mom, in particular, I feel particularly ashamed about. She's in her 40's ..and I don't even remember what she came in for ...but she mentioned how devastated she was that she didn't have the money to go through another IVF cycle. She was in a shared loss program, got pregnant with twins and lost them both at 22 weeks. She thought that she was going to get to do IVF again, but the clinic felt that she'd been "successful". Her version of success involved a live baby or two. I could sense how much she was hurting and still could not bring myself to open up to her. Every single time I come across a woman struggling on their own, I want to give them Stirrup Queen's blog address ..or Lost and Found ...and make them aware of this very supportive community, but I can't. That bums me out. It's not shame - I'm fairly certain of that. I think it's all still too fresh and painful for me to feel like I can get through it in a respectable manner.

But I'll try. In the end, that's all any of can do, right??

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Quick post

I have SO abandoned the internet and all blogs ...completely not intentional life got crazy crazy.

Just wanted to mention that I gave up and finally had labs drawn this morning. Progesterone isn't back yet ..but beta hcg is 21,119 ...with a doubling time of 1.89 days ...and yes, I breathed a huge sigh of relief when that came off the fax machine today. I was up all night last night mostly sure that there was a dead embryo rotting in my uterus. Ultrasound and first OB appointment on Dec 2nd. If I make it that long ...I'm thinking I might have to order an ultrasound first.

A real post later ...and hopefully some decent blog comments for others ... :)

Saturday, November 15, 2008

This is my brain on progesterone

How my day went:

7:30: Wake up because of a screaming bladder. Can't get back to sleep.
9:00: Jump in the shower. Realize I'm totally out of deodorant. Borrow my husband's. Spend 20 minutes trying to put the burning fire under my arms out. Pee.
9:30: Lay down ..just for a sec while the flat iron is warming up
11:00 Wake up AGAIN ...holy crap I slept half the morning away. Pee.
11:30 Make lunch for everyone
12:30 Umm...nap. After I pee.
1:30 Go for a haircut ...cause it's been like 3 years or something since I've done that. Need to stop at the bank on the way there.
2:00 Haircut. Dammit. Forgot the bank. Pee between the cut and the blow dry cause I can't wait.
3:30 Go Grocery shopping. Avoid the meat aisle. Realize that I forgot to bring the movie with me to return. Forget to buy deodorant. Pee twice in the grocery store.
4:00 Husband calls ...needs some special sauce from a special store. Reminds me to stop on the way home.
4:05 Drive right by the special store and forget to get the special sauce. Forget to stop at the bank. Again. Leave the groceries in the car because I have to pee so bad.
5:00 Make dinner.
5:45 Leave the house for all of the stuff I forgot. Stop at the bank ..deposit checks. Go to the special store for special sauce ..get to the check out ..realize that I don't have my wallet because I took it out of my purse to deposit checks at the bank. Seriously?? Do I have Alzheimer's?
5:55 Realize I forgot the movie AGAIN.
6:00 Buy deodorant.
6:10 Stop at McDonald's and get a chocolate shake. Cause know. Those are GREAT for PCOS pregnant women. Pee AGAIN.
6:20 Home. Pee. Nap.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Progesterone a warm fuzzy blanket

Happy to report that my psychosis seems to have taken a vacation now that I've ingested all sorts of progesterone through various different orifices of my body. Seriously ...I feel like I had a bottle of Merlot or something I'm so chill. It was touchy for a while, though. I swear to God I drove to 4 different pharmacies only to be told at each one that the prescription had not been called in. At one of them? I almost went postal because *I* called the prescription in, dammit. Kind of hard to admit that to the pharmacy tech. I felt vaguely like a crack addict that couldn't find the goods for a good few hours. I finally called the friendly OB and explained my plight. She yelled at me ...which I apparently needed. Told me to relax or I was dooming myself to a colicky crabby stressed out baby. Laughed at me when I told her that if I thought it would help I would crush progesterone tabs and snort the powder like it was cocaine. I laughed and pretended I wasn't serious. The whole day I had Paul Simon singing "Save the life of my child ...cried the desperate mother..." in my head. Rather traumatizing when I realized that ALL of my symptoms including my aversion to meat were disappearing by the hour and there wasn't a progesterone suppository or prometrium capsule to be found. Rather silly now that I'm cuddled on the couch with all of the wretched nausea and sore boobies coming back.

I agreed to not test either my hcg or progesterone levels for a week. You know. For sanity's sake. The friendly OB had me get progesterone suppositories from a compounding pharmacy at a dose of 100 mg twice daily. She claims that it's enough because it's absorbed better than prometrium. She didn't argue when I told her that I needed to add a couple of prometrium caps in for good measure and my sanity. The weird thing? The super special suppositories are $100 for a month's supply and insurance doesn't pay for them. I don't mind paying but when I asked how some women could afford it? The OB said, "They can't. This is kind of an uptown problem." Ummm...that makes me sad. :(

I made a probably bad decision to tell the golden child today that she may or may not be having a sibling. I put myself on bedrest today as a precautionary measure and she couldn't figure out what the heck was going on. She has never known about any of the other pregnancies or losses ...and I cautioned her that this one might not make it. She's ecstatic at the possibility of a sibling ....her innocence is reassuring to me and I need to think all the good thoughts I possibly can. I hope it doesn't end in devastation for us both.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

My ovaries suck

Also entitled "Why you should be able to take xanax during pregnancy".

My progesterone level today plummeted to 16. And my OB/Friend is out of town. So the nurse gave the lab results to her partner whose opinion was that yes, I probably need progesterone supplement ...but felt that because the progesterone level was still normal, it could wait until tomorrow when the friendly OB gets back into town. Beta HCG is still doubling ..but barely..with a doubling time of 2.2 days and a number just over 2000. Totally not impressive for 5 weeks 2 days.

I've been frantically searching the Internet for how to dose progesterone supplement in early pregnancy because I'm totally NOT above calling in the meds for myself. And I'm seriously considering taking orals, progesterone in oil shots AND the vajayjay suppositories.

I've decided that I'll make my millions developing an anxiety med that can be taken during pregnancy ...because although I don't need it otherwise? When I'm pregnant and my stupid ovaries forget to nourish the baby I feel like a paranoid lunatic. I don't know that I'll make it through miscarriage number 4.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Nausea in the Grocery Aisles

Morning sickness, it seems, has hit me. And since I don't actually have the results of the latest beta, I'm assuming it is a good thing.

But if you live in Michigan? Consider this a warning.

I've had some very mild queasiness here and there ...of the "oh that's so cute" kind of variety. Unpleasant ..but not so much that it ruins your day. On Thursday, however, during a lunch proffered by a drug rep that I had never met before, all of that changed. He and the office girls were quipping about gross patient stories and someone mentioned chewing snot that gets coughed up. And I puked. At the table. And ..if you're curious? Jack Daniel's chicken from Fridays is delicious going down the first time and not so much when it makes an unexpected return.

Yesterday, I was intent on making dinner even though I was more than a little nauseated and set to scrambling some ground sirloin. Raw meat? Just as good of a trigger. There's like ...NO warning. I've never smelled anything that resembled dead rotting flesh more. And I've worked in a cemetery. Got an instant headache and went to bed. For the night. At 7:30. Yes. My Saturday nights are all kinds of wild and shexy.

The grand finale, however? I ran to the grocery store tonight for some things that my husband forgot and puked all over the floor in the carnage meat ...aisle. Holy wall of nastiness that I walked into. I'm sure the people in the aisle with me were equally as thrilled.

As I got back in the car with my waiting husband I must have looked like death warmed over. I retold the story ..and he said, "You begged for this! Prayed! This is what you wanted!"

And it is. Exactly.

Thursday, November 6, 2008


I'm going to pretend that this is right ..and that the women out there posting betas in the 20,000's at the exact same stage of pregnancy are all having septuplets.

What you don't know . . .

Every time I'm pregnant I think about previous pregnancies. When I got my beta and progesterone back today...I almost immediately flashed to the night of the golden child's delivery. Hindsight being what it is, I went through all of the things that went wrong or were missed and how I ended up sitting in Labor & Delivery 3 weeks early with a monster sized child. At the ultrasound earlier in the day, the OB said, "Congratulations! You have a moose!" and estimated her weight at 10 pounds with give or take a pound either way. No warning ..umm..she's on the big side ..maybe we should check your labs. I had passed my glucose tolerance test with flying colors and *never* missed an appointment. Ever. They sent me over to be induced immediately. I know now there is no way that child got that huge without me having gestational diabetes. Undiagnosed. Untreated. Unless you count the milkshakes I was downing on a nearly daily basis ...because yumm. Anyway. I sat there as a barely 20 year old, alone with my mom, when the midwife came in to consent me for the induction. She was 2 weeks behind me in pregnancy. During the consent, she asked if the MD had talked to me about shoulder dystocia, the baby getting stuck, risks of vaginally delivering a monster child. And I was like He said to come here. So she talked to me about the risks and benefits. The options. Do I want to have a section with no labor? I had dreams of an all natural birth. That's why I saw a certified nurse midwife the whole way through ..but the more she talked, the more scared I got. I eventually said, "What would you do?" And her response seriously angered me. She said, "I'm not the right person to ask. I know EVERYTHING that can go wrong. I can't really give you an unbiased opinion." I ended up having a c-section with no labor and no trials about 2 hours later. The baby was 9 pounds 11 ounces. The C-section was the worst experience of my life. The baby's glucose plummeted into the 20's immediately after birth which got her whisked away to the nursery and away from me. I very nearly bled out. I was on pitocin for 2 days after the birth and miserable. I was livid for years ...felt like the person I was supposed to trust led me astray and robbed me of my ideal birthing experience.

But now? I understand. I get it. I don't know that if I were in the same position that I could have said anything different than what she told me. If I had known of stillbirth, and birth trauma, and all of the possibilities that seemed like they happened to other people? I don't think I would have been able to say, "Hey ..let's give this birth plan a try!"

Knowledge is scary and awful. With that first pregnancy? When I was young and in college and no where near ready? I was never, not for a minute scared. I didn't worry about betas or ultrasounds or a touch of spotting here and there. The pregnancy, for all the stress surrounding it, was my safe place. It was blissful. That's not something that I will ever get back.

Every moment of this and the past 2 pregnancies has been terrifying. I stood up today and felt a ripping pain in my low abdomen. Lasted about 10 seconds but I'm still mostly convinced it was something awful.

My beta yesterday doubled. JUST doubled at 239.

Progesterone dropped a little to 26.6 but still well within normal ...and I got tested at a different time of the day so the variability is somewhat expected.

The 239?? Terrifies me. Grow baby. Please grow. Please don't be growing in a tube.

More blood tomorrow ...ultrasound on Monday.

Seems strange to be happily married ...with a gorgeous family a beautiful house ...surrounded by a white picket fence ...and longing for the days when I was young and alone. And blissfully ignorant.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Beta Beta Bo Beta

I could very nearly be put in jail this week.

I went for my beta and progesterone level yesterday ...and drove to a lab 25 minutes away from the lab in MY OFFICE because they swore that I would get the results on the same day. And yesterday? At 9 pm? When they still weren't back? I could have almost killed someone.

Because ..I didn't make it a week without the crazy paranoia. Dead baby thoughts are driving me crazy. And not slowly, either. Other than breasts that may or not be more sore than normal, I don't have a single symptom. And I'm sort of obsessively looking for them, too.

So anyway ...after I waited an hour and forty minutes to vote this morning - which was awesome, by the way - I called and had my labs faxed to the office and then frantically tried to hide them from the office staff. The flipping RN found it on the fax anyway and had the nerve to say, "Why would you do this? You know you have too many issues to carry to term?" Umm..seriously bitch? Are you looking to get fired today? Or just have a death wish?

Beta ..a not incredibly overwhelming but not heartbreaking 112. Progesterone ...a not too shabby 38. Especially when you consider I'm the girl that this very same month had a level two hundredths of a point higher than menopause. We're talking less than 1.

Did that stop me from peeing on 3 sticks today to try and analyze if they were turning a darker pink faster than the test before? Not so much.

I go in tomorrow for a repeat beta and progesterone and doubling time. I expect I might have to slit my wrist to distract me from the paranoia of waiting an entire day to get results. GAWD. I think I'm going to print some "dead baby mama" stickers to put on all of my labs and charts to alert people to the psychosis they may be causing.