What you don't know . . .

Every time I'm pregnant I think about previous pregnancies. When I got my beta and progesterone back today...I almost immediately flashed to the night of the golden child's delivery. Hindsight being what it is, I went through all of the things that went wrong or were missed and how I ended up sitting in Labor & Delivery 3 weeks early with a monster sized child. At the ultrasound earlier in the day, the OB said, "Congratulations! You have a moose!" and estimated her weight at 10 pounds with give or take a pound either way. No warning ...no ..umm..she's on the big side ..maybe we should check your labs. I had passed my glucose tolerance test with flying colors and *never* missed an appointment. Ever. They sent me over to be induced immediately. I know now there is no way that child got that huge without me having gestational diabetes. Undiagnosed. Untreated. Unless you count the milkshakes I was downing on a nearly daily basis ...because yumm. Anyway. I sat there as a barely 20 year old, alone with my mom, when the midwife came in to consent me for the induction. She was 2 weeks behind me in pregnancy. During the consent, she asked if the MD had talked to me about shoulder dystocia, the baby getting stuck, risks of vaginally delivering a monster child. And I was like ..umm..no. He said to come here. So she talked to me about the risks and benefits. The options. Do I want to have a section with no labor? I had dreams of an all natural birth. That's why I saw a certified nurse midwife the whole way through ..but the more she talked, the more scared I got. I eventually said, "What would you do?" And her response seriously angered me. She said, "I'm not the right person to ask. I know EVERYTHING that can go wrong. I can't really give you an unbiased opinion." I ended up having a c-section with no labor and no trials about 2 hours later. The baby was 9 pounds 11 ounces. The C-section was the worst experience of my life. The baby's glucose plummeted into the 20's immediately after birth which got her whisked away to the nursery and away from me. I very nearly bled out. I was on pitocin for 2 days after the birth and miserable. I was livid for years ...felt like the person I was supposed to trust led me astray and robbed me of my ideal birthing experience.

But now? I understand. I get it. I don't know that if I were in the same position that I could have said anything different than what she told me. If I had known of stillbirth, and birth trauma, and all of the possibilities that seemed like they happened to other people? I don't think I would have been able to say, "Hey ..let's give this birth plan a try!"

Knowledge is scary and awful. With that first pregnancy? When I was young and in college and no where near ready? I was never, not for a minute scared. I didn't worry about betas or ultrasounds or a touch of spotting here and there. The pregnancy, for all the stress surrounding it, was my safe place. It was blissful. That's not something that I will ever get back.

Every moment of this and the past 2 pregnancies has been terrifying. I stood up today and felt a ripping pain in my low abdomen. Lasted about 10 seconds but I'm still mostly convinced it was something awful.

My beta yesterday doubled. JUST doubled at 239.

Progesterone dropped a little to 26.6 but still well within normal ...and I got tested at a different time of the day so the variability is somewhat expected.

The 239?? Terrifies me. Grow baby. Please grow. Please don't be growing in a tube.

More blood tomorrow ...ultrasound on Monday.

Seems strange to be happily married ...with a gorgeous family ..in a beautiful house ...surrounded by a white picket fence ...and longing for the days when I was young and alone. And blissfully ignorant.