Friday, May 29, 2009

shadows and healing

I live fairly close to a huge outlet center. Monk has been desperately searching for this specific pottery barn canvas that he wants to stretch and hang in the living room. He called the outlet tonight and they happened to have one in. So we went trying to rush there before they closed. As I be honest, probably waddled ...into the store, I immediately flashed back to a trip I made there last summer. I've been there a million times since ...but for some reason it struck me this time. I remember hiding in one of the aisles last summer, eyes brimming full of tears. I was coming off of loss number three ...and it seemed like everyone in the entire store and outlet center was 8 or 9 months pregnant. It was more than what I could stand at the time.

Less than a year later was me 8 months pregnant and wandering the store looking for baby bedding and cute shelving and decorations. I took a couple of minutes and looked around ...searching the shadows between the aisles for the old me. Searching for the women still hurting and aching for someone to fill their bellies, hearts, and eventually arms.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


So I think I'm totally psychotic or something. I didn't get over my organic milk crisis until like 2 p.m. today or something. It's insane to have no control over your emotions at all.

I called the MFM this morning to ask about the teenie tiny head. He said he doesn't think that there is anything to worry about. Apologized for not saying anything at the appointment. He didn't notice how off the percentage was when the RN scanned me. He said that with the chaos of the appointment and the non-reactive stress test and then me passing out on the table it just got missed. That he would have normally re-scanned it himself to get a more accurate measurement. He went over the pictures again and said that it was a really bad angle because the baby's head is sitting directly on my cervix (comfy, yes). Anyway. He made me feel better. Or at least stop hyperventilating.

Then I had my OB appointment early because I started spotting again. She sent me in for more monitoring. Turns out that I spot during fairly intense contractions because umm..I'm trying to dilate or something. Then she told me that she was going to have to move my C-section date back by a week because of new hospital and keystone guidelines that forbid scheduled sections before 39 weeks. Okay seriously? I know I chaired a Keystone ICU best practice committee for several years. But umm..right now? I'd like to tell Keystone where to go. So anyway. I'm currently grappling with: 1) doing what she says and relaxing when contractions pick up and 2) attempting to run a marathon when I start contracting to force labor early. I think I'll compromise and go her way for another 2 weeks and then what's fair is fair. Right? Right.

Open message to the overly chatty somewhat older and very full figured woman in the OB waiting room (notice that I'm such a witch that I have to call her fat while complaining about how she called me fat):

Not everyone wants to be asked how pregnant they are, what they are having, when they are due. I realized my turn was shortly coming because you assaulted every new mom and pregnant woman in the room with the same questions and rude comments about their answers. Can I just tell you that it was not a good idea on my psychotic day to ask me how many children I was having? Two? Three? Four? And to "apologize" by saying that not everyone shows as well as me? Ummm...seriously lady? You're lucky you lived through that today. Seriously. If you had been smart, you would have asked my husband what happened when he suggested I buy non-organic milk yesterday before opening your mouth in my general direction.

Monday, May 25, 2009

tempting fate

I don't know what's wrong with me ...but today was like incredibly awful day. I don't know if it's pregnancy hormones or something else ...but I've been crying for about 12 hours and can't get myself under control.

It started with a fight with Monk about milk in the grocery store. Literally? Milk. I buy organic. He whines because it's like 4 times the price. And today? The regular stuff was on sale. So ..I felt my anxiety going up as we came around the corner knowing he was going to try and push it again ...and made a couple of incredibly bitchy comments. He got pissy ..whatever. In the check out lane, he said something else about the milk AGAIN ..and I freaking lost it. In public. Grabbed the keys and stormed out of the store crying like an idiot. And I haven't stopped since.

While I was sitting in the car, I found the latest ultrasound measurements which I hadn't really looked at. The baby's head circumference is in the 4th percentile. Everything else is at least 40th. Abdomen? 90th. Umm. I have no idea what that means but I've now spent at least 10 hours crying over it. Do Downs babies have a smaller noggen? says yes. It also says lots of really wonderful things about what it means. If it weren't a holiday, I probably would have paged the MFM just because I'm being a psycho. I would like to think that he would have said something at the appointment if it was a big deal?!?!? No? I don't know. I can't get out from under the anxiety long enough to formulate a rationale thought. I just keep thinking that I know that something is wrong with the baby. Like ..when they hand him to me and he's not right ...I'll be like ..well. Yeah. I knew that was going to happen. And the thing is? Monk {and his entire family} has an impossibly small head. So ...I don't know if I was expecting a boulder or what ...but 4th percentile??

In the end ..I'm thinking that my emotions are triggered by tempting fate. I spent the entire weekend washing/folding baby clothes. Getting the room decorated. Putting together baby crap which I'm sure is mostly unnecessary. I mean seriously ..swings these days? I think they are designed for parents that never actually want to have to touch their children or interact with them or something. I could feel my anxiety creeping up with every object that got moved into his room. Car seat out? Palpitations.

All weekend, I kept thinking about my sister-in-law. She is Jewish, and when we had the shower for my brother's first baby, all of the stuff had to get moved to her mom's house. She didn't allow a single item in the home before the baby was born. Bad luck. Not a good idea in the Jewish faith or something.

I ordered a monogram of his name for his wall. A freaking monogram. With his name. Had it delievered to my house.

I feel like I'm asking God to punish me.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Feeling the Stretch

This pregnancy has been so completely odd for me. The slow realization that it was REAL. Eventually thinking it might be a real baby that lived past 14 weeks. The belief that it would turn into a real live human being. My son. I've only recently - and by recently, I mean days - been able to visualize actually having a newborn in our lives. Seeing him in our home. Watching his room {slowly} come together. I've wondered, lately, what our relationship will be like. How it will change my relationship with Monk. And with my daughter. Wondering how and if it will compare to my relationship with my daughter.

She and I have been together - and mostly alone - for a very long time. There has never been anything that she had to truly compete for. Time, yes. Graduate school ...yes. But in all honesty? There was never a competition. If she needed something, everything else was trumped without question.

This week, with her sick and me with multiple appointments for the soon to be sibling, things got trumped that I would normally never have thought about. Although she's 13, it tore my heart out to leave the house and leave her here alone for a few hours with a fever of 104 and feeling like crap. But - at the same time - I was spotting and her brother's life could have been in jeopardy. It was a first for us. I gave her motrin. Loved her up {from a distance due to contagion} and called in a grandma to substitute for me.

So begins the next chapter in all of our lives.

She's doing much better this morning ...fever, cough, and runny nose all but gone. Eyes are bright again and she asked if she could run this morning. We still don't have the official results ...but I'm so glad that we got her on the tamiflu as quickly as we did. Even with it, her lungs sounded horrible for a while. Little reminders of our distant asthma past.

This weekend, because we're incredibly cheap, we returned all of the big ticket items to babies r us that we got at the shower and re-bought them with coupons. We ended up with an extra $300 and bought the majority of the rest of the stuff that we needed. Kind of tacky ..but umm...whatever. They should give people the coupons when they buy the stuff! Now we're going to spend today doing some more painting, assembling, washing, and trying to get everything else ready.

Four weeks left??!? Are you kidding me?

Friday, May 22, 2009

Moose. Pig. Dog.

This is how I'll summarize my last 24 hours:

1. Moose: The baby is ginormous. Like...5lbs 7oz at not quite 34 weeks. Hmm. Imagine if I hadn't kept checking my blood sugars and started insulin? This morning was insane. I started out with a nonstress test which was umm...non-reactive. I left sort of against medical advice with a promise to come back so I wouldn't miss the appointment with the MFM. Because umm...if something is wrong with the baby, he'd have to come look anyway. And his office is across the street from the hospital. So I went there ....and promptly passed out on the ultrasound table. Which is cool when the doc knows that you're a NP and should have probably have mentioned that you weren't feeling great before the syncopal event. Laying on my back for the scan with a moose compressing my aorta and inferior vena cava didn't feel very good. I started to get light headed and sweaty. Ohmygod the sweat. And nauseated. But kept my trap shut because I wanted him to finish the scan. It ended up taking over 2 hours because they kept having me lay on my left side for five minutes to recover. The baby's kidney is still dilated, but minimally so. He recommended to re check after birth and see a peds nephro if still needed. My cervix was F.I.N.E. I mentioned that I had some spotting a couple of weeks ago and again this morning (like ..honestly 10 drops of blood on 3 occasions) prior to these contraction episodes. He thinks that I probably had a marginal placental abruption and that's what was causing the problems. Lovely. More rest. Re-check on Tuesday. Back to L&D to check the NST again. Nothing good happened until I ate a half of a granola bar and then he went insane. Which prompted lots of early fat kid jokes from his ever present and loving father. I'm pretty sure they were supposed to call the MFM to see if he wanted me to stay overnight but didn't. So I just left when they said I could. Now I feel guilty...but there was a pig and a dog to tend to. Fears of Downs? Not so much better ....I don't know why I thought they would be.

2. Pig: I ended up taking the golden child in last night because even with high dose motrin AND tylenol her temp was still 104 ..and I'm paranoid. We're still waiting for the swine flu tests to come back ...but she's on treatment anyway with antibiotics and antivirals. She's mad because Monk (who is ..strangely enough ...a germophobe) is chasing her around the house with a can of Lysol. She does feel much better today and is afebrile. Still has a nasty cough.

3. Dog: My little baby cocker girl has super bad congenital hips and needs major surgery that we can't really afford right now. I guess she must have fell coming up the porch steps this morning (no one saw it ...we just heard the tumble) and is now barely walking. Breaks. My. Heart. I'm trying to decide if I should take her in to the vet and waste the $200 or what. Or just wait and hope it gets better with some extra pain meds.

I did take the advice to not watch any baby story/episodes of deliver me ...because God. I'd probably end up in the nutter butter house. Which...probably wouldn't be good for the Moose because I'd try and eat my way out.

And I can't help myself. Jon and Kate. Are you freaking serious right now???

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Bed Rest and Ice Cream

I want ice cream. In the worst way. Which know. Isn't possible being diabetic and all. Especially because I'm getting more and more insulin resistant every hour and now even need a ton of insulin to eat a poached egg. Lovely. Fortunately, I have nothing but time to sit around and think about how much crap I want to eat but can't because I'm on bedrest for a few days again. I'm cool that way.

I've been having mini-labor episodes since Tuesday. I'll have super strong ohmygod my abdomen is going to split open and why does my cervix have a knife in it type sensations that last for 2 to 3 minutes and occur every 5 minutes for like hour and a half ..and then it stops. On Tuesday when I was at work and realized that I'd had 5 contractions while I was in with the same patient, I decided maybe I should time them. Because I was either in with the patient WAY too long or the contractions were way too close together. I was already scheduled for a NST right after work I just went to L&D and called the OB on the way. When I got there, there were so many women in labor that I had to wait like a half hour for a room. I drank a gallon of water and they stopped. When they hooked me up to the monitor, I was having contractions every 4 minutes that I wasn't feeling. Lovely. The baby was having some variable decelerations in heart rate the 120's. They tried to tell me it was normal but I'm still paranoid about it. They decided I could go home and take it easy. Had another hour long bout of contractions. Yesterday, contractions were painful but very intermittent throughout the day at work and then got serious at 4:00. After they hadn't stopped in an hour and a half, I called the on-call OB and he put me off work. He thinks that it's essentially just uterine irritability (Umm..what? Part of me being irritable? Pshaw), but that even though my job is what I like to think of as sedentary, there's a lot of get up get down get up get down twist bend look at this. Oh. And the stress of having a psycho boss. Who's reputation now apparently precedes her. I cried for a bit. Whined on facebook. Tried to go to bed but started having contractions that were 7 minutes apart and lasted for four hours. It took everything I had NOT to wake up my entire house and go back to labor and delivery. I finally fell asleep around 3 am. I've had some here and there contractions today but nothing regular.

So I'm off work and on the couch until at least tomorrow when I have another NST and a Level II ultrasound with the MFM to check on the baby's kidney. And my placenta. And my cervix. And ...can I just say? I have a lot of crap to do if I'm going to be home. Thank you notes to write for the shower. Baby clothes to wash. Nursery bedding to buy(because we still can't decide !?!?!), a room to decorate. Last minute necessities to make sure that we have in case he decides to make an early entrance. Honestly? It makes my cervix hurt to think about everything that MUST get done and all of the stuff that I can't do.

To top it off ...sitting on the couch has left me riddled with anxiety. I accidentally watched an episode of some TLC delivery show in which the parents were handed a lovely newborn with Downs that they weren't expecting and it set me off on a 3 hour crying tirade this afternoon. Can't. Stop. Thinking. That. I. Should. Have. Had. The. Amnio. To. Prepare. Myself. Then ..about 2 hours after the local news revealed that there is a local case of H1N1, the golden child called home sick from school (which hasn't happened since she was 6). I got off the couch to go get her to find a red faced febrile awful looking thing that had a sudden onset of sore throat, fever, headache, runny nose, body aches, fatigue, and cough ...that umm...looks like SWINE to me!! I brought her home, did a quick exam on her, sterilized myself, medicated her and quarantined her in the teenage haven she calls her bedroom. She's still in there sleeping 4 hours later.

My current train of thought goes something like this: swine, downs, NICU time, early contractions, ohmygod money if I'm off work 6 weeks early, downs, swine, golden child with asthma and swine, hubby (AND ME!) with diabetes and swine, flipping want some ice cream, etc., etc, etc.

It might be a long holiday weekend in these parts.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

32 weeks. Or I suck at blogging.

Honestly. The more pregnant I get ...the less my brain works. I feel like I have nothing to say, like, ever. I'm so boring it's painful.

The pre-term labor is essentially done, as far as I can tell. I do get the joy of weekly appointments from here on out supplemented with twice weekly non-stress tests. It's made work interesting. Scheduling and re-scheduling patients 3 times a week has become a full time job for our receptionist.

Oh ...and I'm huge. Did I mention that? I could totally wear my own pants until 3 weeks ago and now my maternity pants feel like they barely fit. It's insane. I keep looking down at my stomach and feeling like someone else has taken over. Weight is up 8 pounds total ...which sucks seeing as they want a 10 pound maximum.

I had my first shower was actually very nice. I was very surprised that I wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as I thought it was going to be. We made 4 adults have a bottle drinking race which may have been one of the funniest things I've seen in a very long time. I'd highly suggest it at any of your showers....when you have them!

The bigger my belly gets, the less angst I feel about everything else. Monk and I are actually getting along again for some reason ...the awkwardness passed as quickly as it came and with no real conversation. I'm not sure what all of that was about. The nursery is finally coming together. I'm starting to have panic attacks about what it's going to mean to have a newborn again. My friend brought her 1 year old to my shower and I nearly died at all of the work it was to chase him around.

The golden child is doing really, really wonderfully. She had her last middle school orchestra concert and sat first chair for violin. I was very proud of her. I also cried when the 8th grade conductor stepped down half way through the last song and the high school conductor took over. Very emotional for a pregnant woman, let me tell you. She made me what is perhaps the funniest mothers day poster I have ever read ..which I will someday have to type the text of into here ..because completely hi lites all of the wonderful and terrible things about having a teenager and being pregnant at the same time.

I get so much more out of reading and commenting on blogs now than I do from actual blogging even though I'm quiet here ...know I'm still keeping track of everyone.

Please keep your thoughts and prayers will Mo & Will this week and next during the dreaded 2 week wait. Mo's at the end of her hope rope and could use us all. Send her a few extra feet!

Friday, May 1, 2009

30 weeks and counting

So life has been fairly adventurous lately. I missed 2 1/2 days of work this week because ..umm...I had Pre-term labor. After 2 days of super strict bed rest, my back hurt so much that I couldn't stand it for another second.

Oh. And I was ready to poke my eyeballs out with boredom. It did dramatically slow down the contractions. And my cervix length is {relatively} stable. So I went to work for a half day yesterday and then back to the doctor today. And can I just say? Being Diabetic when the doctor didn't even manage to diagnose it is a big pain in my keister??? I've had a single out of range blood sugar that I covered with more insulin and she yelled at me about watching my carbs closer. And fasting blood sugars are ranging in the 90's to a max of 105 and she wants me to start long acting insulin at night. So I can ..umm...die in my sleep or what? Half the time I wake up and it's in the 70's. So I take insulin and hope to wake up with a blood sugar above 40? Argh.


To add to the convenience? Being diabetic and having contractions bought me a free pass to labor and delivery twice a week for the duration of my pregnancy for non stress tests. Twice a week. And once a week visits in the office. I still haven't figured out how I'm going to actually know ...make money and support my family with that type of schedule.

In good news ...I bought a new {and cheaper!} maternity support belt which, for at least today, has dramatically helped the back and pelvic pain. I was actually able to walk around a bit today and not want to die. Yesterday was NOT a good day. I had about 20 mini mental breakdowns because the pain was so severe I really wasn't in a place where I thought I could handle it for another 8-10 weeks.