Friday, April 24, 2009

Holy crap

I'm pregnant. Like. Really pregnant. Like...push myself up off the couch with my arms pregnant and this kid is coming our relatively soon pregnant. Yeah, yeah, yeah ...kind of late in the game to realize this? But umm..I have a TON of stuff to do. Suddenly, my shower is in 2 weeks. Can I tell you how much I don't want to have a shower??? My mom and sister have some ritzy fancy schmancy thing planned ...and I feel really uncomfortable about the whole thing. For one ..I had a shower with the golden child. Yes, it was 14 years ago. But I've already had a shower. For two? That's something that fertile people do ...not something that people with dead babies get to do. Bizarre. For three? Registering for a shower is a flipping nightmare as far as I'm concerned. I have no idea what I need. I'm completely freaking out about bottles, for some reason. I breastfed the golden child exclusively for 6 months ..and continued for 2 years. She never once had a bottle. I have no idea how to pump or store milk or bottle feed. That's a little intimidating to me.

This entire pregnancy has been so odd. The first time around, I literally didn't have hide nor hare of a complication. I read every book I could get my hands on. The thirst for knowledge was unreal. I might have cracked the spine on a pregnancy book twice so far this entire pregnancy. I still haven't registered for any childbirth classes or even pre-registered at the hospital - though I've made several trips to labor and delivery. I have a stroller and 1 sweater for the baby. Other than that? Nada. Haven't purchased one item. That's a lie. I ordered a crib online like 20 minutes ago. I don't know if I'm still in major denial or what my deal is??

I've had a gazillion complications. I'm completely regretting 1) having the triple screen and 2) not having the amnio because I have lingering worries that are at time paralyzing with fear about Downs. I think it would have been much better to either KNOW or be completely ignorant. I'm having ultrasound withdrawal because the MFM wants to wait until May 22nd to recheck the little guy's kidney ...and it freaks me out. My legs to my thighs are rock hard swollen with fluid which is disgusting. Pubis symphysis pain is so severe I walk to the bathroom on crutches every single night. I have contractions that last for about an hour and a half 3 nights a week. Oh. And I'm a full on diabetic on insulin ( a LOT of insulin). And I'm pretty much an emotional basketcase again. I cry at the drop of the hat. And not like ...I get teary. Like ...I'm wracked with sobs at the slightest disappointment or extra stress. Like my life is ending and I can't dig myself out of a hole. And then ...I'm fine like a half hour later. WTF??

The Diabetes thing weirds me out. I passed the 1 hour Glucose tolerance test. Passed outright. Didn't have to do the 3 hour. If I weren't a nurse practitioner that has OCD - they never would have checked my blood sugar again for the rest of the pregnancy. I wonder how many times I've done that to a patient??? Not two weeks after the test that I passed ...I'm already on 20 units of insulin per day and it goes up daily. This baby would have been 22 pounds. Or possibly died. That terrifies me.

Did I mention that I'm pregnant?? ACK! I think I have to go buy 600 onesies or something to make myself settle down a little.


Searching for Serenity said...

I hear my own voice when reading your blog. You are SO NOT alone.

The whole registering for bottles and breastfeeding thing is totally stressing me out too. I have no clue where to start.

BTW, I do think you deserve a shower. It is your second child, but it's been 14 years! Lots has changed. I'm sure it will be grand. Plus, then you won't have to worry so much about all the things you haven't already gotten. Everyone else will get them for you.


SS said...

Yes, you're pregnant, very pregnant! I am sorry you're so uncomfortable and have had so many comlications. I total get your concern about DS and would feel the same way if I were you. Hang in there! You still have enough time to get everything ready. Maybe your nesting instinct is kicking in now, and you'll get everything done in the next few weeks!

I am not sure what kind of thoughts to send your way- diuretic thoughts? Feel better.

Mermaid said...

I, too, could have written the same post...You said a lot of what I'm feeling, too. Congrats on being (realizing) you're pregnant. We each come to acceptance in our own terms. At least you realized it before 30 weeks and certainly before delivery. Good job ;)

Registering freaked me out, too. I'm convinced this pregnancy would have been fine and I screwed it up by registering (IUGR diagnosed the week following my registering at BRU). But, I'm neurotic like that. My sister had to walk me through how the breast pump works and just told me which bottles to buy. In fact, she bought them for me. Fertiles are handy like that sometimes.

Yay for realizing you're pregnant!

Anonymous said...

you're pregnant???? wtf? when did that happen????


silly girl!

(but i know how you feel...i'm still not believing it until next week when i see the ob again)

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