Mother.

Today was unreal.  Absolutely gorgeous outside.  At one point, I was outside watching the ribs that I was grilling to deliver to my mom and grandmother for dinner, with Monk, the baby, the dog, and the teenager running around the backyard giggling and laughing.  And it struck me.  Who's life is this??  How did this happen?  I think the moment even struck the golden child ...because she said to me later, "Can you believe we even have a white picket fence??"  It was all very Norman Rockwell.  I don't want to upset this apple cart and can't help but think that I'm tempting fate.  Being greedy by having another.  Why would I rock a perfectly floating boat?  Why invite anxiety and heart ache in when we're fine without it?

I ended up in the ER on wednesday night after work.  I worked 12p-12a.  I felt more and more short of breath and uncomfortable all day long.  Ultimately, I decided to say something about the pregnancy and my concerns to the doc I was working with.  He essentially confirmed that my worries were valid.  At the end of my shift, we walked back to the other hospital (about a 1/2 mile trek that starts with climbing 2 flights of steps).  I think he was sort of horrified by how out of breath and uncomfortable I was.  We walked slow and it was still really bad.  He ended up calling my OB/friend, who agreed that I should go to the ER.  Which means that virtually the entire hospital knows that I'm pregnant - and not a single soul in my family other than Monk knows.  Not exactly comfortable.  Especially because we aren't planning on a reveal until the end of June. 

Ultimately - they ran a bunch of tests which confirmed that I had to have a CT scan.  I discussed the risks/benefits at length with the radiologist.  The radiation he felt would be a non-issue because of the direction of the rays and the abdominal shield.  He feels that the contrast was low risk as well.  I don't, but ultimately had the stupid test anyway.  Everything was negative.  The preliminary heart/cardiomyopathy stuff was all negative.  No blood clot.  I still have to have an echocardiogram and possibly a stress test next week.  Ended up not getting home until 5 a.m.

I could barely keep up playing with the baby outside today.  I hate it.  And regardless of the cause (I'm still hoping for just plain old pregnancy induced tachycardia), it's only going to get worse throughout the remainder of the pregnancy.

I hope everyone out there had a good time with family and friends today ...whether you're holding your babies in your arms or in your hearts.