Saturday, May 28, 2011

Quantitative Loss

I went and saw the OB on Wednesday.  The SCH is nearly totally resolved.  The baby was leaping and jumping all over the place - so much so that she couldn't get a heart rate.  She's still very concerned that I continued to bleed and strongly suggested that I remain off work.   The problem is that I wholeheartedly believe in evidenced based medicine.  I asked her about statistics and if there was any evidence that staying off work on limited activity would improve outcomes for the baby.  And there isn't.  None.  It's just what is suggested because there is nothing to improve the outcome.  It's a last ditch attempt to try and salvage things.  She scheduled me for every week appointments and every 2 week ultrasounds.  She's doing everything she can to talk me out of an amnio for genetic screening because she doesn't want to rock the boat.  So I agreed to the 2 step NT scan instead.  We'll see.  I'm sure it'll ramp my anxiety sky high.

So ...I went back to work on Thursday.  With limited activity.  Driving between campuses instead of walking.  Hanging out in the ER to see patients instead of walking all over the 3 hospitals.  Literally putting my feet up in between patients.  I honestly think that it's probably much more limited activity than what I would have at home.  Chasing an overly active nearly 2 year old that climbs all over me non-stop is way more physically stressful than what I'm doing at work. 

And the bleeding stopped.  Go figure.

All but one of my losses has occurred between 10 and 14 weeks - and the one that wasn't occurred before I even adjusted to the idea that I might be pregnant.  Inappropriately slow rising beta followed by miscarriage a couple of days later.  It sort of felt like it never really happened.  The later miscarriages were very tough.   Emotionally and physically.   My biggest fear with this pregnancy is that I'm delaying an inevitable occurrence.  That the loss will come - but will come late in the second or third trimester or something.  Which seems ridiculous to me.  A loss is a loss  ...but I'm much more fearful of one occurring later in the pregnancy than now.  Which I'm unsuccessfully trying to wrap my head around.

Today is my one day off inside a stretch of working 6 12 hour shifts in a 7 day period.  I'm not sure I'll make it through all 6 shifts.  The OB said I absolutely shouldn't and work is being fairly flexible about it.  We'll see.  The golden child escaped with a friend up to a cabin for the holiday weekend.  We're planning on laying relatively low though there is sooo much yard work to do.  So much.  It's rainy and glum out ... which is seriously affecting my motivation to do anything.

Did I mention that I gained 3 lbs in 3 weeks???  I'm so freaked out about that.  Morning sickness with baby A2 made me lose 15 pounds or something in the first trimester which left me with an overall net weight gain for the entire pregnancy of 13 pounds.  I have morning sickness with this baby - but only when I'm hungry and it's relieved totally by eating.  Umm.  NOT good.  Couple a ferocious appetite with limited activity and no exercise and I feel I'm probably headed for disaster.


strongblonde said...

not headed for disaster. :) you know i totally get your anxiety. all you can do is what you ARE doing. ...maybe a little less of know what i think!

and don't do any yard work!!! silly girl. xx

Searching for Serenity said...

So relieved to read this. Now take it easy, wouldya?