tempting fate

I don't know what's wrong with me ...but today was like ..an incredibly awful day. I don't know if it's pregnancy hormones or something else ...but I've been crying for about 12 hours and can't get myself under control.

It started with a fight with Monk about milk in the grocery store. Literally? Milk. I buy organic. He whines because it's like 4 times the price. And today? The regular stuff was on sale. So ..I felt my anxiety going up as we came around the corner knowing he was going to try and push it again ...and made a couple of incredibly bitchy comments. He got pissy ..whatever. In the check out lane, he said something else about the milk AGAIN ..and I freaking lost it. In public. Grabbed the keys and stormed out of the store crying like an idiot. And I haven't stopped since.

While I was sitting in the car, I found the latest ultrasound measurements which I hadn't really looked at. The baby's head circumference is in the 4th percentile. Everything else is at least 40th. Abdomen? 90th. Umm. I have no idea what that means but I've now spent at least 10 hours crying over it. Do Downs babies have a smaller noggen? Umm..google says yes. It also says lots of really wonderful things about what it means. If it weren't a holiday, I probably would have paged the MFM just because I'm being a psycho. I would like to think that he would have said something at the appointment if it was a big deal?!?!? No? I don't know. I can't get out from under the anxiety long enough to formulate a rationale thought. I just keep thinking that I know that something is wrong with the baby. Like ..when they hand him to me and he's not right ...I'll be like ..well. Yeah. I knew that was going to happen. And the thing is? Monk {and his entire family} has an impossibly small head. So ...I don't know if I was expecting a boulder or what ...but 4th percentile??

In the end ..I'm thinking that my emotions are triggered by tempting fate. I spent the entire weekend washing/folding baby clothes. Getting the room decorated. Putting together baby crap which I'm sure is mostly unnecessary. I mean seriously ..swings these days? I think they are designed for parents that never actually want to have to touch their children or interact with them or something. I could feel my anxiety creeping up with every object that got moved into his room. Car seat out? Palpitations.

All weekend, I kept thinking about my sister-in-law. She is Jewish, and when we had the shower for my brother's first baby, all of the stuff had to get moved to her mom's house. She didn't allow a single item in the home before the baby was born. Bad luck. Not a good idea in the Jewish faith or something.

I ordered a monogram of his name for his wall. A freaking monogram. With his name. Had it delievered to my house.

I feel like I'm asking God to punish me.