21 weeks and counting

I had my 21 week appointment today and all is mostly well with the world. I personally decided that it was much, much easier to be pregnant when I was 20 and mostly stupid. Heart rate is fine ...no swelling ..bp perfect for the first time there although it's always normal when I check it at work. Weight is up 2 lbs ..which sucks ...because I'm going for a maximum of 15. Logically, 2 pounds half way through is actually very good, I think, but now is when the beebe starts to pack on the pounds so I am nervous. Measuring 1 week behind.

I've been having a myriad of symptoms which are driving me mostly nuts. I have this very intense low pubic pain that is present whenever I stand or move my legs in any way. The friend/OB thinks it's because I had a complete diastasis with the golden child ...so my uterus tipped forward through the muscle and is sitting on the bone. I don't know if I agree with that ..but ...whatever. We'll see. Last week, I had this very horrible accident while peeing. Seriously. That is a dangerous activity, apparently. I tried to stand up and had what I thought at the time was a massive either 1) blood clot in my right lung or 2) the most intense muscle spasm I've ever had. The pain was so severe I couldn't breathe or move or walk or get off the toilet without assistance. Had I been able to move, I would have gone to the hospital. Once I decided it was muscle, I called the OB and they had me take a muscle relaxer and I spent the rest of the day alternating between coma and thinking that the baby was most likely dead from the med. Fun times. So ...then the pain mostly went away but I still felt kind of tender ...like I'd been hit in the ribs with a baseball bat. Fast forward to today ...

My OB always has you carry your own pee cup and pee before you get there. At some point and time yesterday, I realized that I was peeing approximately 2 teaspoons at a time and nothing more though there was no pain or anything. So at work this morning, I dipped my urine and almost had a stroke because it was full of protein, blood, and ketones. Like ..crazy amounts of all of the above. So then I pee like 2 hours later in the OB's cup, drive to the appointment and there's only a trace of protein. Whatever. I'm puzzled. She's thinking that maybe all of the symptoms are related and I have a kidney stone or two. Fun times. Lots more testing ahead.

They made an appointment to go back to the MFM for a repeat scan. She wrote "cardiac views" on the order but I'm thinking she'll cross that out and write "crazy mama reassurance" before I actually get to the appointment.

I have approximately 22 posts half written and not published about ..you know ..non-pregnancy related things but can't seem to find the motivation to finish them. Some day.

Strollers

I've made no decision about the amnio. Which, I guess, is a decision. It doesn't look like it's going to happen.

In happier news, I've actually started to think about making preparations for his arrival. Strange. I'm currently trying to figure out a plan for the nursery. AND ...I'm super excited. We had a family birthday party last night {yes - on Valentine's Day Monk's family } and my sister in law's sister's boyfriend is a manager at M.oosejaw. They're clearing last year's stuff out and have the Bug.aboo Frog stroller on sale for 85% off. Now ..mind you ...I have never, ever heard about this stroller before ..but it is apparently the shit in the Stroller World. I did some quick online research and it seems to get really good reviews.

Long and short of it? I just bought not one - but two - $900 strollers for $130 each. What the hell??? Who needs a $900 stroller??? The current plan is to sell one on e.bay to pay for the other plus some extra left over.

The important part for me? I actually purchased something for this baby. For my baby. My baby that is - at this point - half cooked. And still alive. And kicking. Often.

Amazing.

Randomness

I'm super scattered ...because life has been super scattery this week and I'm on call this weekend. Thus ...things I need to get down will have to be done in bullet format because I don't have enough functioning brain cells to form an actual, you know, sentence.

• My 85 year old grandma fell off her back porch on Tuesday and was taken to the hospital by ambulance. They did a chest x-ray and gave her pain medicine she told them she was allergic to. She was in incredible pain everywhere so they put a morphine patch on her and sent her home. No other testing, but pain they felt was severe enough to warrant morphine at home.
• She called me 2 days later crying, asking for help.
• I took her to my hospital ER. She had broken 2 vertebrae in her back, 6 ribs, and her pelvis.
• Rage? Doesn't even begin to explain it. She nearly died from their incompetence. She could still.
• Thank you for the help/advice with Amnio. I'm still lost. I had completely decided NOT to do it and then promptly came home today and had a panic attack thinking about it. I really think that the baby is fine but don't feel like dealing with the anxiety. I'll make a decision on Monday. I guess my main thought is that if the baby does have Downs, I want to process that now before I'm holding and cuddling him and trying to bond. Does that make sense? I don't want shock and disappointment to be part of that time.
• I've been spending a lot of time on the to amnio or not boards and parenting a downs baby boards. Umm...holy painful.
• My pelvis hurts really bad. Like ..I feel it separating. I can't decide if it's real or if I'm having sympathy pain for grandma.
• There are at least 4 beta HCG's in the blogosphere that I'm anxiously awaiting this week. I think I'm more excited/nervous for their results than I was for mine if that's possible.
• I'm going to have to have a name survey ...because we have nothing. No ideas. Nothing even close. I have a five syllable very Italian last name that's making first names difficult to me for some reason.
• I was super sore like 3 days ago. I felt like I ran a marathon and trained for an Iron man all on the same day. I was convinced that it was the baby pushing things around. When I couldn't explain how sore my arms were, I decided that my sleep number bed was set wrong. Everything ached.
• Then I realized that I walked the dog the day before. 2 miles.
• Pathetic. How do your arms hurt from walking a 15 pound dog?
• I hate this stage of pregnancy. Nothing fits. Maternity clothes are way too big. All but 4-5 of my work shirts are way too small.Regular pants fit. Sort of. Maternity pants look goofy.
• Snow and 60 degree weather in the same week pisses me off.
• I've all but given up hope of ever moving out of this dreadful city.
• I forgot to mention that I had a fairly long discussion with the MFM about the usefulness of the quad screen. I told him I was sort of irritated that I had done it ...even more so that it was abnormal and stressing me out. He gave me a very educational lecture about how much good it actually does. Even with a normal amnio, the abnormal results often predict something wrong with the pregnancy - can predict pre-term labor, insufficient placenta, etc. He actually went through the different possibilities of every one of the four markers and what it could mean. Told me about a few patients where having the test actually saved the baby's life because he was able to start scanning on a regular basis and knew exactly when to hospitalize mom and when to get the baby out. Anyway. I found it very reassuring somehow as well as incredibly informative. So I'd like to retract my statement that I'd never do a quad screen again. I would. But I'd hate it just the same.

Umm....I think that's it. For now. Wish me luck at surviving another 12 days without a day off! I hate this part of my job. hate it. I love the part that got me out at 11:30 today instead of 7:00 tonight. Hmmm....I think maybe I'm just lazy and don't like to work at all.

Amnio Help

Okay ..so I'm home from the MFM appointment. I have a very stubborn baby that laid on his tummy almost the entire time during the over 1 hour ultrasound. And yes ...I said HIS. Crazy. I can't believe it's a boy - still. I was somehow sure I would never have a son ...like ever. Monk was thrilled when they said he had relatively huge hands, long fingers, and an enormous penis.

Everything that they could measure looked normal. No soft signs for Down's. Strangely enough - the baby is measuring on for the due dates from my LMP and NOT from when I thought I ovulated based on OPK's, progesterone levels, and basal temp. Dammit. I don't see how I would have missed ovulation earlier than that. All my charting be damned. So ....he said the risk in the end is still 1:148 - about 4 times higher than average at my age, but still less than 1%. His personal risk of complication from amnio is 1:1400. He wasn't able to see the cord insertion site at the placenta because the baby was laying on the placenta. He also wasn't able to see the right atrium of the heart and one vessel. Because of that, he suggested that I wait on the amnio and come back in a couple of days for a quickie u/s to see if the baby is in a different position.

I have NO idea what to do. He said I didn't have to come back if I didn't want ...that although he couldn't see the insertion site he could see that it wasn't in a bad place. He doesn't feel like anything is wrong with the heart. Everything else looks fine. He said to only do it if it was something that I had to know. He has 10 children. His wife had 3 miscarriages. He's adopted 6 other children (crack babies and such that needed homes). One of his biological daughters has Downs. He did a really excellent job of describing the pros/cons of living with a Downs child. It was somehow reassuring and somehow terrifying. I guess what I wanted to hear was ....umm...there's a 0% chance ...but he can't tell me that.

What to do? What would you do? Amnio? Not amnio? What will knowing change?

T-14 Hours

And counting. Until the ultrasound.

To say that I'm nervous would be the understatement of the century. Makes the pomegranate nightmare seem like a dream.

Because I'm brilliant? I watched an episode of Mystery Diagnosis last night that started with a quad screen positive for Down's and ended in some rare genetic disorder that 250 people in the united states have. Umm..wasn't so much helpful.

The silver lining? I obviously won't be sleeping tonight - so I will probably finally get somewhat caught up on blog reading and commenting.

What to do, what to do

So ...the Caribbean is calling my name. Unfortunately, it's not, however, calling Monk's.

On Sunday, Monk was going to be pre-occupied with a boys only Superbowl party ...and I'm not much for football...so I cajoled the teenager into driving to Ann Arbor with me. Getting off the exit into downtown, I realized that I felt like I was driving home. You know the feeling most people get when they turn in their neighborhood ...or down the street? Yep. That's what I feel when I go to Ann Arbor. The only problem is that I haven't lived there ..in oh ...almost 14 years now. I know it sounds dramatic - but I swear my soul feels at peace when I'm there. Very similar to the feeling I get when I'm at the ocean. Any ocean. We had a really wonderful day. Lunch at one of my very favorite vegetarian restaurants. An afternoon of shopping in the downtown area. A stop at Whole Foods market. A quick visit with a cousin and an old friend. A stop at what could conceivably be the best deli in the state of Michigan for dinner at home.

The good day there left me thinking about how much I really don't enjoy living where I do. My family is here. Monk's family is here ...but umm...that's about it. No culture. Nothing but generic malls for shopping. Nothing but chain restaurants that are boring and repetitive. I need more than what this place has to offer.

Monk doesn't. So umm...where do you go with that?

The Caribbean as a compromise? He won't even consider it. Financially, it would be one of the best decisions that I will ever run across. With the salary increase and no taxes, we could easily save over $100,000 per year ...if Monk didn't work. I would have 4 relatively easy 8 hour days per week - no call. Dealing with what would essentially be coughs/colds and traveler's diarrhea type of stuff. Easy peasy. Lots of time to bond with the baby and virtually no stress when I'm not working. I called and let them know about the pregnancy and that there would be no way that I would start until a year from now. They said fine. They offered to fly us all down there for a formal interview and to see the clinic. They would give me four weeks off per year - paid - to volunteer at free clinics in the rural areas. Part of the companies "give back" philosophy. We'd live on the ocean and have enough money/vacation time to fly home for visits 4-5 times per year. I see nothing but perfection. Monk sees nothing but torture and missing his family.

This? Is where falling in love with and marrying your polar opposite starts to feel like not such a good idea.

25 Random Things

Okay ...I give up. I've been tagged for this virus plague meme about 70 times in 4 different venues ...so I figure that I might has well join in. I'm not tagging anyone ....because seriously ...hasn't everyone done this?? If not ...please consider yourself tagged ...and let me know if you did it so I can read about you.

25 Random Things

1. My best friend delivered her first baby on Sunday ...and she's gorgeous. For the first time in 2 years - I felt absolutely no jealousy.
2. Sometimes my job makes me incredibly sad. Some people live insanely difficult lives.
3. Despite knowing this, I still find ways to complain about my mostly very perfect family and life.
4. I hate that about myself.
5. I have serious, serious self-esteem issues. As in ...one of the more troubling things about the appointment with the MFM to me is that my husband will see my stomach. Bare. Naked.
6. I do know that's pathetic.
7. I had a brief stint in high school with anorexia which resulted in a 60 pound weight loss in 8 weeks. I went to the doctor for headaches. She was sweet and polite and gave me headache medicine and asked me two questions max about the weight loss. She called my parents before I made it all the way home. She hadn't seen me in 2 years and had no way to know the weight loss was that fast/dramatic.
8. My dad met me at the door with a steak and baked potato and force fed me for a week. Three times a day. I've never had a problem since (other than # 5/6 above :D).
9. I think about that physician and her choice to call my parents nearly every day when I'm with patients and it greatly affects how I care for them.
10. It's amazing to have someone save your life with a phone call.
11. I have five siblings who are between 10 and 16 years older than me.
12. I miss my sister desperately - she became a born again christian about 6 years ago and everything about her changed. I want my old sister back.
13. My parents were both very strict Catholics until they were ex-communicated in the sixties for picketing the bishop's house in protest of racial housing issues. They became Quakers and raised me as such.
14. They sent me to Catholic school for 12 years anyway.
15. I feel like a Quaker but attend Catholic church with Monk and had the golden child baptized and send her to Catholic school.
16. My mom and dad were the hippiest of hippies in the 60's.
17. Martin Luther King stayed at my house overnight - long before I was born.
18. I have an adopted African American sister that I didn't realize was adopted until I was 12 (although I am the whitest of white Irish Catholics around). Twelve. Years.
19. Some might say I'm a little naive (see #18 above).
20. I both desperately want and hate the idea of going back to school for my doctorate.
21. The golden child's donor is a very successful lawyer making a ton of money in California and I've never asked for a dime.
22. I dread the day that she asks to meet him.
23. I used to think that maybe I was over dramatizing how awful what he did was ....but as I get older, it just becomes more horrible instead of less.
24. I hope to one day be brave enough to blog about that entire painful experience.
25. I dated my high school boyfriend intermittently for 8 years and he's still one of my best friends that I see at least once a week. Monk is okay with this. So is his wife.