Saturday, January 24, 2009

To blog or not to blog

So ...I'm thinking that maybe I have pica. The water thing is getting a little silly. I had pica when I was pregnant with the golden child, and thankfully, I craved ice and not ...cigarette ashes or dirt or anything. To say that I craved ice is an understatement. I would drive 35 minutes to a specific hospital and go to the fourth floor and steal ice out of the ice machine in massive cups because ...well ...clearly they had the best ice in town. I would chew ice nearly all day long ...but more than that was how much I thought about ice. I should preface this by saying that I DID finally call and get my own lab results because I never got them ...and my blood sugar after the glucose tolerance test was 104. So ...I'm not thinking it's a blood sugar issue. I realized today during a lull between patients when I found myself fantasizing about different types of bottled water and where I would go to get the coldest (Fiji vs. Smart Water vs. the ice cold Brita pitcher in my fridge - Fiji won) that perhaps the drinking wasn't so much about thirst as it was about pica. I don't know if people actually get pica with liquids and I refuse to ask Dr. Google I'll just ask at the prenatal appt on Monday. Anyway. In the meantime? Guard your faucets.

When I first started this blog way back in ..oh ...September (ha!) ...I was mostly confident that I would never have another baby. I was terrified of another miscarriage ...had completely stopped ovulating ..and had a husband that refused to engage in any IVF type activities. More than just feeling infertile, I was deeply unsettled about everything. I always saw myself as spending the majority of my 20's in the peace corps saving the world and instead I found myself approaching my mid-30's living in a somewhat ritzy suburb driving to basketball games with a somewhat fulfilling job and being ...well...ordinary. I had {almost} everything anyone is supposed to want in the world but found myself struggling with wanderlust and needing something more. I didn't know where my life was supposed to go or how to be happy with all of the amazing things that I had. I was paralyzed and decision-less. When I first started reading infertility blogs, a new world opened up to me and I realized that the recurrent losses and pcos were affecting me more than I let on to myself. Shortly after starting to blog and actually acknowledging how desperately I wanted another baby to happen, I made the decision to make an appointment with an RE ....and then tie me over until the appointment ...use some leftover Clomid as a last ditch effort. Lo & behold ...Halloween rolled around and my pee stick had 2 lines. Hmm. Yeah. I really, really wasn't expecting that. More than that ...I had zero expectations that this baby would live to see the second trimester. None. So that I've spent a couple of weeks here in the second trimester with reassuring fetal heart tones and ultrasounds? I'm settled. More so than I have been in a very, very long time. My home feels peaceful. I don't have fantasies about quitting my job and dragging my teenager off to a 3rd world country. I'm okay with paying a ridiculous mortgage. And while I haven't bought a single thing for the baby yet nor started to prepare the nursery in any way ...I'm mostly happy to stay home every night and rub the ever growing baby bump. So do you blog about contentment? I'm not sure. Do I need to?

Then again. I just got an offer to work at a 5 star resort in the Caribbean for $40k more than what I'm currently making plus room and board ...and taxes. Maybe the wanderlust isn't totally squashed.


Mermaid said...

Hello Caribbean!

April said...

dude. it's okay to be content. you deserve it. you need to blog for you. if you've outgrown it, that's okay. (i just hope we can still email) :)

Searching for Serenity said...

Who ever thought content would be the place you'd been looking for? It's your own piece of serenity.

As for the often do opportunities like that present themselves??