Ambivalence.

I feel so strange emotionally with this pregnancy.  With A2, I was obsessive about everything.  Um.  Everything.  Now I'm very ho-hum about everything.  Most of the IF blogs that I read have progressed to life after infertility blogs (thank God) - and I honestly haven't sought out new ones lately.  So...my brain got lazy.  It occurred to me the other day (as a surprise) ..umm..NT scan!!  Right.  yeah.  Supposed to do that.  But umm..when does that happen again??

I wouldn't say that I'm overjoyed with this pregnancy.  Definitely not disappointed, but not super excited, either.  The idea of having a newborn, a 2 year old, and a junior in high school is slightly overwhelming.  I guess it's more the idea of being a working mom with all of that stuff going on that it is overwhelming.  We have a lot of work to do between here and there.  As in.  Umm.  We need another bedroom.  Not sure if there is one handy that I can borrow, but yeah.  I was all set on having the babies share a room for a while when my cousin posted on facebook that her similarly age-spaced children were being urgently moved into separate bedrooms because she went to check on the newborn in the middle of the night and found the 2 year old standing in the crib with a blanket over the newborn's head.  So. Yeah.  End that thought right away.

Anyway.  This is what I'm doing. I'm alternating between being in complete denial that the pregnancy exists and preparing for delivery.  Yesterday I was prepared for miscarriage because I have waning morning sickness, severe cramping, and continue to bleed.  Today I'm pukey, exhausted, the bleeding is gone and there is no more cramping. 

Monk is in complete denial.  As in ....we're using condoms when we have sex because he doesn't want to take the chance that I might get more pregnant.  Um.  Yeah.

I have no idea what's going on.

Ultrasound

Quick post ...

Ultrasound today.  Nearly peed my pants in the waiting room.  I guess that's what geriatric pregnancy will get you!!!

1 gestational sac.  1 yolk sac.  1 teenie tiny itsy bitsy baby (crown to rump length .18cm).  (Seriously).  (That's small). 

Measuring 5 weeks and 6 days (both gestational sac and baby). 

1 perfect little heartbeat.  105 bpm.

Due date 12/14/11.

Holy crap.

So. Um. Yeah.

It's been a while.  A loooooong while.

It's been an interesting year, to say the least.  I've had some crazy gynecological stuff going on ...namely dysfunctional daily uterine bleeding for just about a year.  I ended up getting my gall bladder taken out at the end of August, followed by another D&C for ANOTHER early miscarriage in late September.  The bleeding never stopped after the D&C ...but improved somewhat.  It stopped responding to hormones.  We mainly blame it on some seriously intense adenomyosis.  And the ever present PCOS.  Ultimately, I decided very reluctantly to have a hysterectomy.  Which I was dreading in most ways.  I decided to actually take my vacation that was scheduled and not use all of my vacation time as sick time ...and planned on scheduling the hyster when I got back from a wonderful trip to Florida.  I spent 11 days in the warmth of the gulf where I watched baby A2 learn all about the ocean and the golden girl explore what it really means to be on spring break in a spring break town as a teenager. 

I was laying on the beach and turned over to stand up and ..umm...had the most crazy out of control pain in my right lower quadrant that passed about 2 minutes later.  I thought....hmm.  And then it happened three more times.  It was a familiar pain.  Round ligament pain.

So I came home from Florida and peed on a stick.  And saw two very, very dark lines.

It seems that I have an appropriately doubling beta currently in the 10,000's.  And it looks like I might be having a baby instead of a hysterectomy. Ultrasound scheduled for Monday.

Which somehow led me here.  We'll see how this goes.

Valentine...

So ...this is my favorite Valentine this year:

I really didn't know you could be more in love with someone.  That's not entirely true.  It was like this with his sister too.  Amazing how somehow through the sleep deprivation and craziness he can still steal my heart.

I'm sure you can see his eyes are goofy in this picture ...it actually made me take a closer look at him and realize that he has esotropia.  So off to the baby eye doctor we went ...we're currently patching his good eye two hours a day and hoping to strengthen the lazy eye ..which is just silly.  I mean honestly.  A seven month old with a pirate patch couldn't be cuter.  He doesn't actually seem to mind ...but he's getting some skin breakdown for it.  The eye doc also picked up an astigmatism ..so we're probably looking at glasses at some point in time.   Good thing I passed on vision insurance for him ...ha!

I moved his crib into our bedroom and attached it to our bed a la giant co-sleeper.  He still thinks his crib mattress is made of nails.  Amazing, really ...he's super sound asleep in our bed ...I slide him six inches over onto his mattress and he wakes up instantly.  I realize this is somehow my fault.  But seriously.  Six inches away??  And are any of you still swaddling a seven month old?   I'm sure this is going nowhere fast ...but the kid won't sleep without being swaddled.  It's so bad that now when I lay him down on his swaddle blanket he tucks his own arms into the sides to get ready to be wrapped up.  I've tried weaning him out of it...but even in it I'm lucky if he sleeps a solid two hours.  Very lucky.  I get mad...and then he does something silly like shake his head no for an hour and a half straight the day he learned how to do it and all of the lack of sleeping is forgotten.

Things have somewhat quieted down on the marriage front ...only because I'm not pushing any issues.  Which isn't good.  I feel like I'm letting things boil under the surface ...and then he does one little thing that any normal level headed person would blow off and I flip my lid.  Because seriously.  I can eat a cheeto in the living room. 

Right?

The flair.

The flair for the dramatic ...that's what I have.

I guess it's not a great idea to post all woe is me my marriage is over on a blog you've ignored for seven months about 20 seconds after the end of a fight.  Because seriously.  I don't think it's over.

I think we're at the point where it can easily go either way.  I see us in the spot where it all goes wrong.  Where we stop loving each other.  Turn other places for much needed attention.  Where it just becomes easier and easier to shut down instead of open up.  And I don't really know how to NOT let that happen when one of us isn't willing to sit down with someone and point out the flaws in our communication so we can make it better. 

We have always been very, very different people.  Different priorities.  Different things that make us happy.  And to some extent, it's worked so far.  I'm having a hard time currently because I feel constantly and totally harrassed.  All the time.  About everything.  The sock on the floor.  The grain of rice on the table.  You name it ...I guarantee I've heard about it.  At least twice.  And honestly?  I want to not hear about it.  I just want some flipping peaceful family time when no one yells or bitches about stuff.

Because I?  Do not sweat the small stuff.   And Monk?  Is diaphoretic over it.  All of it.  Can't let one thing go.   And I don't want my children to be like that.  I don't want them to model their relationships on ours.  That's a sad thing to say ...but it's true. 

My new job ..being the cake walk that it is ....has left me with lots of time to think.  I currently spend my days as a hospitalist.  Taking care of people admitted to the hospital who either do not have a physician or have a physician that doesn't come to the hospital.  You would be amazed by what I see on a daily basis.  On one day last week?  I admitted three people varying in age from 20-50 who came in to the emergency department with some small nagging non-specific complaint and were handed a diagnosis of cancer 2 hours later.  The one girl who told me she felt really silly but was just sort of ...I don't know ..tired?  And maybe a little short of breath?  Had a mass that filled her entire right lung.  She was 22.   And when I deal all day with that?  I want to come home and be incredibly blissfully happy for the good fortune that we have right now.  Because I know that chances are? It is not the good fortune that we will always have.  Those big lung encompassing tumors happen to everyone.  No one gets spared.  Not if you say your prayers at night.  Not if you help old ladies across the street.  They happen to us all.  I don't want to waste one minute when that crap actually ISN'T happening fighting about how someone left a blanket unfolded, a cupboard open, or a smudge of food on the fridge.  Because you know what?  We have blankets.  And cupboards.  And a fridge.  With food in it.  And right now? That should be enough to make us happy.  And if the other stuff bothers you ....fold the blanket.  Close the cupboard.  Wipe the fridge.  Teach the kids about that stuff along the way.  Don't ruin my night, your night, and our children's night by yelling at everyone for two hours.

I don't know how to see eye to eye on this.  I just know that I won't sacrifice peace and gratitude.  We're not here long enough.

Seven Months?

Seriously.  Seven months?  I have a seven month old?  It's sooo strange.  And wonderful. 

To say that I'm a bad blogger is a disservice to bad bloggers.  Because really?  I've not been a blogger at all for the past ...oh ...7 months.  Life here got crazy ...and is just now settling down.   I switched jobs.  Went back to the hospital.  Punch a clock.  Work no overtime.  Make more money.  Work much less hard.  Have no work stress.  Have much less work satisfaction but a lot more mommy satisfaction.  Monk is still not working ....off work from the broken back until March.  Not sure how well it will go when he does go back.  The only good part of that is that he's been home with the baby the whole time.  Not as good as mom being home....but closer than any other option we would have had.

I've struggled with pumping and milk supply since the end of maternity leave ...we're still holding our own without supplementing.  But I'm decidedly not someone that should give advice on how to pump well.  Unless you want advice on how to take drugs to make you produce more milk ....because alas ...we've tried them all. 

Baby A2 is unabashedly wonderful.  His kidney is still huge...but still not causing any problems to speak of.  He's laughing hysterically now.  He loves giving wide open mouth kisses.  My heart melts every time he smiles and reaches for me.  Loving him has been the easiest thing I have ever done.  There's really nothing about parenting him that I find stressful {other than milk supply}.  He doesn't sleep.  Like ...ever.  I've toyed with the idea of sleep training but know that I don't have the heart for it.  And honestly ....the best thing about having 14 years between children is knowing how short this phase really is.  I can cuddle and nurse him through the not sleeping for this short while.  The world won't end.  I'll survive on less sleep.  It is unbelievably amazing to me how healing this little man has been for me.  For my soul.  I think I had myself half way convinced that I would have been okay without a baby.  That I didn't really need one.  That I was somehow faking the ache for one.  And then he came.  And I'm better.  All the way better.   I don't know that I'll ever be able to describe it.

And so I've struggled with blogging...because I'm not really a mommy blogger.  I read lots of mommy bloggers ..find them fascinating even ..but it's not me.  And I can't come to this space day after day and gloat about how wonderful getting to the other side of the infertility hell zone is.   I think of things I want to post often ...write ...and never hit publish.  I don't know why.

I came here tonight after a fight with Monk.  The marriage?  Is struggling.  Badly.  And I don't know how to fix it.  There are no major issues.  No cheating.  No lack of money.  No infidelity.  No abuse.  There's just no connection anymore.  I've requested ...demanded ...counseling.  And he said no. 

I found myself again in this baby.  Our baby.  I've lost my marriage.  And found myself here.  So maybe I'll start blogging again.  Maybe.

The last four weeks

Or: "Why I suck at blogging, in bullets"

Although I have about six really excellent posts half written, life seems to be getting in the way of well...just about everything. My life is nothing short of a joke, lately, people. Seriously. A joke. A few of the occurrences that have kept me from the computer:

• First and foremost, a beautiful, wonderful baby. We had a rough few weeks but now that we passed the six week growth spurt life is back to easy with him. Except that he no longer sleeps. Like Ever. As in, our longest stretch without sleep was 17 hours without even closing his eyes for a five minute nap. I nearly poked my own eyes out. Except that it's hard to poke your eyes out with a 2 month old smiling lovingly at you.


• I developed a very lovely incisional infection EIGHT WEEKS post partum. Eight Weeks. Seriously. Oral antibiotics didn't work. I'm allergic to the 2 classes that would actually work. So ..my options were 1) take an oral that I was allergic to 2) be hospitalized for IV antibiotics 3) attempt IV antibiotics at home. I opted to try the one I was allergic to and broke out in a huge rash about an hour after I took the first pill. Because of the item directly below, hospitalization and/or having an arm out of commission for an IV was out of the question. So I'm currently treating the infection with a peroxide wash and hoping for the best. As in ...hoping I don't end up in the ICU septic or something. It seems to be holding it's own right now.


• Monk fell off a roof at work and broke his back in two places. The good news is that he's alive, can walk, and has control of all of his own bodily functions. The bad news is that he 1) can't work 2) can't do anything else. He's in a brace that limits movement, has a 5 pound weight lifting restriction, and can't bend or twist ever. If you're particularly astute, you'll note that my brand new baby weighs 13 pounds (because he's a moose). So ..I now have 2 babies. I felt less like a single mom when I was a single mom. Honestly. To say that it's overwhelming to have him out of the running for helping with anything - a single diaper change or nighttime waking - is a tremendous understatement. To describe the stress of your husband asking you to tie his shoes while you're nursing a baby and trying to online shop for a teenager's birthday? Umm...I don't think I can. These restrictions are in effect for a minimum of 12 weeks. The baby will be nearly 6 months old before his dad can hold him again.


• I picked the baby up out of the crib about a week after Monk broke his back. It hurt. A lot. In the morning I quite literally couldn't sit, stand, or walk because of the unbelievable pain in my back. My mom had to come and rescue me. She literally held the weight of the baby so that I could nurse him. It was awful. I finally made my way to the MRI machine to discover that I herniated a disc, tore 2 others, and pinched a major nerve. Umm. If you want to think about stress? Think about the fact that now the only one in my family that can tie their own shoes is my now 14 year old.


• The dog - who has severe hip dysplasia - somehow managed to fracture her left elbow. She requires not 1, but 3 surgeries, at $2500/pop. And she can't walk. She needs to be carried in and out of the house to use the bathroom. See above for the family members that can safely do that.


• This is my last week of maternity leave. Can't. even. think. about. that.


• Prior to Monk's injury, I didn't know how to turn on the vacuum or where we kept the garbage bags. For reals. He does that much around the house. He did, I should say. Because his name is MONK, he still expects the house to be in that very neat and hyperclean orderly state. We've had many issues because umm...I'm not the type to vacuum while holding and nursing a new baby with a herniated disc in my back. He is, surprisingly to me, not understanding that.


• The golden child starts high school one week from tomorrow.

Normally? Any one of the above items would throw me for a loop. Currently? I'm getting very close to requesting an in patient psych admission. I'm a wreck. When I'm no longer a wreck? I'll get back to posting my happy posts about all things nursing, pumping 101, and the beauty of a good photographer.

Until then? I'll try and keep my focus on the little man on top. He is my angel. Seriously. I think he's the cutest thing ever.