Sunday, January 31, 2010

The flair.

The flair for the dramatic ...that's what I have.

I guess it's not a great idea to post all woe is me my marriage is over on a blog you've ignored for seven months about 20 seconds after the end of a fight.  Because seriously.  I don't think it's over.

I think we're at the point where it can easily go either way.  I see us in the spot where it all goes wrong.  Where we stop loving each other.  Turn other places for much needed attention.  Where it just becomes easier and easier to shut down instead of open up.  And I don't really know how to NOT let that happen when one of us isn't willing to sit down with someone and point out the flaws in our communication so we can make it better. 

We have always been very, very different people.  Different priorities.  Different things that make us happy.  And to some extent, it's worked so far.  I'm having a hard time currently because I feel constantly and totally harrassed.  All the time.  About everything.  The sock on the floor.  The grain of rice on the table.  You name it ...I guarantee I've heard about it.  At least twice.  And honestly?  I want to not hear about it.  I just want some flipping peaceful family time when no one yells or bitches about stuff.

Because I?  Do not sweat the small stuff.   And Monk?  Is diaphoretic over it.  All of it.  Can't let one thing go.   And I don't want my children to be like that.  I don't want them to model their relationships on ours.  That's a sad thing to say ...but it's true. 

My new job ..being the cake walk that it is ....has left me with lots of time to think.  I currently spend my days as a hospitalist.  Taking care of people admitted to the hospital who either do not have a physician or have a physician that doesn't come to the hospital.  You would be amazed by what I see on a daily basis.  On one day last week?  I admitted three people varying in age from 20-50 who came in to the emergency department with some small nagging non-specific complaint and were handed a diagnosis of cancer 2 hours later.  The one girl who told me she felt really silly but was just sort of ...I don't know ..tired?  And maybe a little short of breath?  Had a mass that filled her entire right lung.  She was 22.   And when I deal all day with that?  I want to come home and be incredibly blissfully happy for the good fortune that we have right now.  Because I know that chances are? It is not the good fortune that we will always have.  Those big lung encompassing tumors happen to everyone.  No one gets spared.  Not if you say your prayers at night.  Not if you help old ladies across the street.  They happen to us all.  I don't want to waste one minute when that crap actually ISN'T happening fighting about how someone left a blanket unfolded, a cupboard open, or a smudge of food on the fridge.  Because you know what?  We have blankets.  And cupboards.  And a fridge.  With food in it.  And right now? That should be enough to make us happy.  And if the other stuff bothers you ....fold the blanket.  Close the cupboard.  Wipe the fridge.  Teach the kids about that stuff along the way.  Don't ruin my night, your night, and our children's night by yelling at everyone for two hours.

I don't know how to see eye to eye on this.  I just know that I won't sacrifice peace and gratitude.  We're not here long enough.

4 comments:

strongblonde said...

this is somewhat relieving. i have to admit i got into the shower tonight and worried about how i should have sent my message via email instead of fb message since monk sees your fb account stuff at times. i was starting to freak myself out that i was making things worse somehow.

glad to hear that i don't have to be consumed with this right now. i definitely hope for the best for you guys!

(btw: b just told me that *I* have an ocd as well!)

miss you!

Searching for Serenity said...

This is going to sound more like a brain vomit. I can't seem to muster up my thoughts and make them sounds pretty, but I think it's important that I comment. Especially now.

You're back!

I've missed you.

Having too much time to think can really play games with a girls mind.

If there is one bit of advice that I've learned from a similar experience with someone in my family, it is this. If Monk is not willing, then talk to someone alone. Take care of yourself first. Regardless of the outcome of your marriage, you'll have taken care of the most important person first. And you will be better because of it. For you. For the kids.

Other than this, please know that I'm thinking about you. Pulling for you and hoping that you find peace soon.

Amanda said...

It's taken me awhile to get around to reading this, but I'm really sorry and sad for you that the marriage is having such problems. I'm probably guilty of nagging and sweating the small stuff too, but I hope he realizes that it's not worth your marriage and comes around.

JEN said...

I don't sweat the small stuff. But my husband does, especially when it comes to housework. Yikes! That is what we fight about, not money or any of the other things they always say. You are so right about the cancer stuff - I see that ALL THE TIME. Does it really matter if the dishes are done tonight or you played chase with the toddler for an hour, you know?