Friday, January 29, 2010

Seven Months?

Seriously.  Seven months?  I have a seven month old?  It's sooo strange.  And wonderful. 

To say that I'm a bad blogger is a disservice to bad bloggers.  Because really?  I've not been a blogger at all for the past ...oh ...7 months.  Life here got crazy ...and is just now settling down.   I switched jobs.  Went back to the hospital.  Punch a clock.  Work no overtime.  Make more money.  Work much less hard.  Have no work stress.  Have much less work satisfaction but a lot more mommy satisfaction.  Monk is still not working work from the broken back until March.  Not sure how well it will go when he does go back.  The only good part of that is that he's been home with the baby the whole time.  Not as good as mom being home....but closer than any other option we would have had.

I've struggled with pumping and milk supply since the end of maternity leave ...we're still holding our own without supplementing.  But I'm decidedly not someone that should give advice on how to pump well.  Unless you want advice on how to take drugs to make you produce more milk ....because alas ...we've tried them all. 

Baby A2 is unabashedly wonderful.  His kidney is still huge...but still not causing any problems to speak of.  He's laughing hysterically now.  He loves giving wide open mouth kisses.  My heart melts every time he smiles and reaches for me.  Loving him has been the easiest thing I have ever done.  There's really nothing about parenting him that I find stressful {other than milk supply}.  He doesn't sleep.  Like ...ever.  I've toyed with the idea of sleep training but know that I don't have the heart for it.  And honestly ....the best thing about having 14 years between children is knowing how short this phase really is.  I can cuddle and nurse him through the not sleeping for this short while.  The world won't end.  I'll survive on less sleep.  It is unbelievably amazing to me how healing this little man has been for me.  For my soul.  I think I had myself half way convinced that I would have been okay without a baby.  That I didn't really need one.  That I was somehow faking the ache for one.  And then he came.  And I'm better.  All the way better.   I don't know that I'll ever be able to describe it.

And so I've struggled with blogging...because I'm not really a mommy blogger.  I read lots of mommy bloggers ..find them fascinating even ..but it's not me.  And I can't come to this space day after day and gloat about how wonderful getting to the other side of the infertility hell zone is.   I think of things I want to post often ...write ...and never hit publish.  I don't know why.

I came here tonight after a fight with Monk.  The marriage?  Is struggling.  Badly.  And I don't know how to fix it.  There are no major issues.  No cheating.  No lack of money.  No infidelity.  No abuse.  There's just no connection anymore.  I've requested ...demanded ...counseling.  And he said no. 

I found myself again in this baby.  Our baby.  I've lost my marriage.  And found myself here.  So maybe I'll start blogging again.  Maybe.


strongblonde said...

welcome back! :)

Mermaid said...

I'm glad to know the baby and you are doing well. I'm sorry for the marriage troubles.

Mine has experienced about the same thing. I often wonder if all marriages are like this right after the stress of IF and then a baby (or two like me). I hope it is common and recoverable. I fear it is not and we are destined for divorce. Best of luck to you and I hope to hear more from you. I, too, struggle about how to refocus or even whether to continue my blog.