Chaos

So. Today didn't go quite as planned. Actually, it started with last night when we started frantically getting all of our stuff together and moving assembled baby things where they would need to be when we got home. I walked into the bonus room to find the golden child curled in a ball with an upset stomach. Worried that I wouldn't live through the c-section or that something was wrong with the baby. She was still upset after several hours of reassurance and cuddling. Weird that I would have a medically anxious offspring, no?

Monk and I got NO sleep. None. Had to be up at 5:30 to get to the hospital on time. I might have dozed once from like 3:00 - 3:06. Soooo anxious. And nervous. And scared. And mournful. It's weird to say goodbye to a pregnancy you know will be your last. I wanted Monk to be all lovey dovey over feeling the last movements on the inside. Then I was upset that he wasn't concerned that I might die. Then I was sure the baby would be born with 12 eyes and no heart and 1 really screwed up kidney. It just went on and on. Why is this my last pregnancy? Because honestly? I don't do it well. I can't handle the anxiety that comes with it.

Went to the hospital. Had the amnio. Which seriously?? Was nothing. As in ..I've given myself insulin injections that hurt more. Which really pisses me off. Because it was sooo controlled and so not a problem that I really wish we had done the amnio way back when so I could have been less paranoid and more settled one way or another. After 2 1/2 hours, the results were back. Two of the three tests were "transitional" ...meaning ..lungs could be ready ..could not be. The third test was "absent" ..or not ready. I think the OB/friend was afraid to tell me. I grovelled a bit ..worried about still birth after 38 weeks with gestational diabetes. She agreed to do an ultrasound. The baby ...who was 5 pounds 7 ounces on his last scan FOUR AND A HALF WEEKS ago was only 6 lbs 3 ounces. And they were expecting 8 1/2 to 9 1/2 pounds. His kidney is still very goofy. His head size went from 4th percentile to 75%th. Abdominal circumference went from 95th% to 22nd percentile. Official diagnosis? Asymmetrical intrauterine growth restriction. Which is ...umm...not great with the lung immaturity. Sooo ...they had the MFM come over and re-scan to confirm the measurements. She wants the baby in until Thursday ...and then out regardless of lung maturity. She thinks that it might make the difference between NICU and mechanical ventilation or not. He also failed part of his bio-physical profile. His official score is 6/10. Umm. I'm not a math major ..but 60% doesn't sound great to me.

Why the IUGR? No idea. She thinks maybe not enough weight gain and too strict control of blood sugars? Umm..seriously? I'll kill someone ...because this was NOT easy, and the MFM doc RODE MY ASS at every single appointment about every ounce of weight gain and any blood sugar higher than 90 in the morning or 120 one hour after eating. Other possibilities include the kidney being worse than we think ...the measurements being wrong, etc. The placenta failing because of the diabetes. The gods conspiring against me.

So the current plan? Daily NST's until Thursday with a biophysical profile...delivery at 9 am Thursday if they stay the same and don't worsen.

Assuming we both live that long. And that I don't become addicted to some weird anxiety medicine that I don't have a prescription for. They don't make enough drugs for this kind of anxiety.

And this becoming a mama thing? Not for the feint of heart.