karma

I have two jobs. Well ...two jobs that actually pay me. In the first, I work primarily with patients that have multiple sclerosis. Heartbreaking. Terrifying. Challenging. Incredibly Rewarding. Stressful. The second job is mostly primary care regular doctor office stuff. Except that I work with probably one of the very few remaining family physicians that still delivers babies. And so ...I also do prenatal visits and "how do I get preggers" visits and newborn visits and lactation consulting. And what I'm finding? I'm getting bitter. I usually feel like I'm pretty good at what I do. I remember not so long ago that a woman would come in desperately sad that she hadn't gotten pregnant in the previous year and within a couple of weeks she'd have a diagnosis and a few weeks after that a BFP pee stick and beta. My heart would soar ...I would be so thrilled. And then ..in the last two weeks I've had two patients call to say that the medicine worked and they were going to be moms. I felt ....well ....jealous. And mean. And awful. Cause ummm? That's not how your health care provider should feel about your good news. And then when they come in and all day long I hear perfect fluttering fetal tones? I'm awful. It should still fill me with awe and wonder and hope and joy. But I feel like I should buy contacts to hide the green in my eyes.

What I know is this: I soon need to make a decision. I either push for IVF with a husband that doesn't really want it or decide that there will be no other baby. I don't want the kind of karma I'm putting out now.