Issues

I have issues. Seriously? More than Cosmo.

Today is Cycle Day 1 ....and the real question is ...to Clomid or not to Clomid. I've come to the conclusion that a huge part of my infertility issue is likely that I've almost entirely self-managed it. Medically and otherwise. Yes, I have an OB/Gyn. But she is my friend and I think perhaps gives me too much independence in what I'm doing. Because I literally diagnosed myself ...ordered the ultrasound ...called her and gave her the results. Told her I wanted met ...then clomid. Called her when I was pregnant. Curled up in her office when there was no longer a heartbeat. So ...she knows...but I think she's not as strict with me because we are friends. As in ...I very strongly suspect that I have endometriosis that is likely intertwined with my right ovary ..but umm...I haven't told her about that. And I think that I probably need an exploratory lap, and she would likely do it ..but umm...I feel weird asking. Hey....did you want to go get some coffee later?? No? How about cutting up my insides and having a look around?

SOOOOOOOOO ....I finally called and made an appointment with an RE. Which I HATE. I hate the idea of an RE because I know that we really cannot afford IVF. And IUI with controlled hyperstimulation makes me think of Jon & Kate. And I am NOT Kate. I also hate it because I live in a relatively small town ...and I don't want everyone in town to know whether or not I shave. But time is tick tick tick ticking away. And ...because of my issues ...I've hidden from the problem. So ...I have an appointment next month to get things officially looked at. And I'm totally going to lie about what I do for a living ...cause I want to pretend that I'm clueless and totally NOT direct any of my care for once. I'm taking opinions on what I should pretend I do for a living. I need time to build the character.

See?? I told you!! I have issues!! I'm already trying to figure out how to lie to my next doctor.

But still. I have this prescription for Clomid ...which would be round 4 of the lifetime allowable 6. And today is cycle day 1. So do I chew em up like they're sweet tarts? Or do I wait until I know that anything that needs to be fixed is fixed?

I swear I hate Clomid. Like ...really seriously hate it. I hate it so much I probably need to have IUI with Clomid because it turns me into a raging psycho woman that threatens to divorce her otherwise fairly normal and lovable husband. Because seriously?? It's really hard to have a lot of sex when you're feeling hateful and acting like a psycho. And I have seriously ovulated on Clomid before and not even attempted to have sex because I hated him so much that day.

Issues, I tell you!

tick. tick. tick. tick. tick. tick. tick.