Monday, September 1, 2008

alternative lives ...

I thought of you you this week ...up north. I thought of what our lives could have been if we had stayed together. Although I never brought you to this place, your ghost enveloped me while I was there. The lake ....perfect for fishing. The lack of cell phone access...dreamlike in your world. The mountain bike trails ...the waterfalls ...the hiking ...all things that I shared with you in our time together. And here I am ...with your ghost ...and my 13 year old daughter who remembers the first time you took her fishing. My husband more than 200 miles away at home alone - because he hates this outdoor world. Wondering all of my planning I missed....this. I am here alone with my daughter ..desperate to shape her life into someone who loves the outdoors and isn't desolate without the ability to send 400 text messages a day. How did I miss that marrying someone else would mean that he would shape her life so much. That he would become not only part of me ....but part of her. I wonder ...for a few seconds ....did I make the right choice? Is this life for her right? Would she have been happier in this other, alternate life? Would I?

We drive 25 minutes into town ...mostly for cell phone access... and call home. He answers ...everything is fine ..the dog is here ...i miss you ...wish you were here ...and the pull that I feel? Overwhelming. No way I can live a second longer without being with you and I've only been gone 3 days and what am I 16? cancel the rest of the vacation and drive home to be with you kind of pull. And then I know ....there was never another alternative.

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