Issues

I have issues. Seriously? More than Cosmo.

Today is Cycle Day 1 ....and the real question is ...to Clomid or not to Clomid. I've come to the conclusion that a huge part of my infertility issue is likely that I've almost entirely self-managed it. Medically and otherwise. Yes, I have an OB/Gyn. But she is my friend and I think perhaps gives me too much independence in what I'm doing. Because I literally diagnosed myself ...ordered the ultrasound ...called her and gave her the results. Told her I wanted met ...then clomid. Called her when I was pregnant. Curled up in her office when there was no longer a heartbeat. So ...she knows...but I think she's not as strict with me because we are friends. As in ...I very strongly suspect that I have endometriosis that is likely intertwined with my right ovary ..but umm...I haven't told her about that. And I think that I probably need an exploratory lap, and she would likely do it ..but umm...I feel weird asking. Hey....did you want to go get some coffee later?? No? How about cutting up my insides and having a look around?

SOOOOOOOOO ....I finally called and made an appointment with an RE. Which I HATE. I hate the idea of an RE because I know that we really cannot afford IVF. And IUI with controlled hyperstimulation makes me think of Jon & Kate. And I am NOT Kate. I also hate it because I live in a relatively small town ...and I don't want everyone in town to know whether or not I shave. But time is tick tick tick ticking away. And ...because of my issues ...I've hidden from the problem. So ...I have an appointment next month to get things officially looked at. And I'm totally going to lie about what I do for a living ...cause I want to pretend that I'm clueless and totally NOT direct any of my care for once. I'm taking opinions on what I should pretend I do for a living. I need time to build the character.

See?? I told you!! I have issues!! I'm already trying to figure out how to lie to my next doctor.

But still. I have this prescription for Clomid ...which would be round 4 of the lifetime allowable 6. And today is cycle day 1. So do I chew em up like they're sweet tarts? Or do I wait until I know that anything that needs to be fixed is fixed?

I swear I hate Clomid. Like ...really seriously hate it. I hate it so much I probably need to have IUI with Clomid because it turns me into a raging psycho woman that threatens to divorce her otherwise fairly normal and lovable husband. Because seriously?? It's really hard to have a lot of sex when you're feeling hateful and acting like a psycho. And I have seriously ovulated on Clomid before and not even attempted to have sex because I hated him so much that day.

Issues, I tell you!

tick. tick. tick. tick. tick. tick. tick.

karma

I have two jobs. Well ...two jobs that actually pay me. In the first, I work primarily with patients that have multiple sclerosis. Heartbreaking. Terrifying. Challenging. Incredibly Rewarding. Stressful. The second job is mostly primary care regular doctor office stuff. Except that I work with probably one of the very few remaining family physicians that still delivers babies. And so ...I also do prenatal visits and "how do I get preggers" visits and newborn visits and lactation consulting. And what I'm finding? I'm getting bitter. I usually feel like I'm pretty good at what I do. I remember not so long ago that a woman would come in desperately sad that she hadn't gotten pregnant in the previous year and within a couple of weeks she'd have a diagnosis and a few weeks after that a BFP pee stick and beta. My heart would soar ...I would be so thrilled. And then ..in the last two weeks I've had two patients call to say that the medicine worked and they were going to be moms. I felt ....well ....jealous. And mean. And awful. Cause ummm? That's not how your health care provider should feel about your good news. And then when they come in and all day long I hear perfect fluttering fetal tones? I'm awful. It should still fill me with awe and wonder and hope and joy. But I feel like I should buy contacts to hide the green in my eyes.

What I know is this: I soon need to make a decision. I either push for IVF with a husband that doesn't really want it or decide that there will be no other baby. I don't want the kind of karma I'm putting out now.

A long time ago

In the beginning, I was an almost 18 year old freshman at an Ivy League University. I was full of naivety, hope, and ready to change the world. And ...I had been admitted to med school as a freshman in undergrad. It was kind of a big deal. I felt like I was kind of a big deal. I certainly had big plans for the future which involved third world countries and the peace corps. A couple of years later, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant and unwilling to be a mom and a medical student at the same time. And then suddenly, the force of my naivety hit me when I discovered the awful secret about the baby's father and I was alone. I have vivid memories of rocking and nursing her in those first few months - promising to us both that someday we would have everything that we were supposed to. The beautiful home, the outrageously big back yard full of play equipment. Everything made safe by a white picket fence. Siblings to keep her company when she was old and I was gone. A dad for her that would love her as his own. A husband that I would somehow be able to trust after being traumatized. I spent hours planning our future, somehow feeling that if I did everything right she would be alright without a dad. She would thrive with my decision to exclude him from her life. I made lists. And more lists. Crossed off tasks one by one, week by week, sometimes year by year. I finished my undergraduate degree and started saving money. I started and finished a Master's degree. I thought and planned and planned some more.

And now ....I am here. Thirteen years later, I am finally here. Career? Check. The beautiful house? Check. The dad for my amazing daughter? Check. The husband that I love? Check. The trust that I didn't think could ever come back? Check. The backyard? Check. The most amazing maintenance free white picket fence I've ever seen? Check. The so-far perfect and apparently perfectly unscathed teenager? Check. The siblings to keep her company? Not so much. Self-diagnosed PCOS and three miscarriages? Umm....wait. That wasn't on my list.

Guess that white picket fence doesn't protect us from everything.

alternative lives ...

I thought of you you this week ...up north. I thought of what our lives could have been if we had stayed together. Although I never brought you to this place, your ghost enveloped me while I was there. The lake ....perfect for fishing. The lack of cell phone access...dreamlike in your world. The mountain bike trails ...the waterfalls ...the hiking ...all things that I shared with you in our time together. And here I am ...with your ghost ...and my 13 year old daughter who remembers the first time you took her fishing. My husband more than 200 miles away at home alone - because he hates this outdoor world. Wondering how....in all of my planning I missed....this. I am here alone with my daughter ..desperate to shape her life into someone who loves the outdoors and isn't desolate without the ability to send 400 text messages a day. How did I miss that marrying someone else would mean that he would shape her life so much. That he would become not only part of me ....but part of her. I wonder ...for a few seconds ....did I make the right choice? Is this life for her right? Would she have been happier in this other, alternate life? Would I?



We drive 25 minutes into town ...mostly for cell phone access... and call home. He answers ...everything is fine ..the dog is here ...i miss you ...wish you were here ...and the pull that I feel? Overwhelming. No way I can live a second longer without being with you and I've only been gone 3 days and what am I 16? cancel the rest of the vacation and drive home to be with you kind of pull. And then I know ....there was never another alternative.