Unbalanced

I honestly can't believe it's been a month since I've posted.  If I don't get a handle on this time thing pretty soon, I'm going to be sitting here with a newborn that I'm completely unprepared for.

This pregnancy has thrown me for a complete loop emotionally.  I'm an angry, rageful, crying, out-of-control witch.  The hormone swings are intolerable to me - much less my poor loved ones that are forced to live with me.  The only one that has been spared is the two year old, really.  To be honest, Monk takes the lion's share.  Why he hasn't left me is completely beyond me.  And quite frankly, sometimes I feel like I'm pushing him to make that decision.  Which is really strange - because I feel like I'm living duplicate lives at the same time.  The old rational me is still there watching over the reactions and decisions that the hormonal witch is making and just letting her run wild and use the excuse of hormones.  It's ridiculous.  As bad as it is - it feels temporary.  Like ...don't fight it too much because this too shall pass.  In a matter of 9 weeks or so now...I'm hoping it's done and over with.  I feel like I'm on the brink - maybe passed the brink on some days - of really experiencing true mental illness.   What absolutely terrifies, me, however, is that I feel like I'm speeding right towards a massive case of post partum depression.  My hormone switch has NEVER been even close to being this far off balance and I'm not sure what I'm going to be looking at when they pull the baby out and all the hormones come crashing down around me.  For the first time, I've felt tempted to start on medication as a pre-emptive strike.  And then the blaring reality of birth defects and side effects snaps me back into reality and I neglect to discuss it at my OB appointments.

Things on the physical front still suck too ....I still can NOT flipping breathe if I do anything.  Climbing a flight of stairs leaves me so short of breath and exhausted that I have to sit and rest.  A load of laundry is enough to do me in.  And getting the baby and myself showered and primped for the day typically happens right before nap.  Because I have to nap after such a grand effort.  To continue my life's predisposition for really bad timing, my job is changing significantly and I am now required to be much, much more physically active.  As in walking.  At break neck speeds.  All over the flipping place.  I wore a pedometer the other day - and with me moving as slow as I do compared to my counterparts, I still walked 7 miles in one 12 hour shift.  I come home from work in a near coma with my pelvis feeling dislocated.  I have a whole lot of time off built into my schedule now ...stretches of 5 or 6 days off every couple of weeks ...and I need every one of them to recover.  The pelvic pain hasn't been nearly as severe with this pregnancy as it was the last ...and it actually goes away completely when I'm off work ...but my god ..when it's there, every single step is excruciating. 

And ...of course ...I'm diabetic again.  Which, although I was fully anticipating it, is really seriously pissing me off.  My blood sugars have not been nearly as easy to control this time around despite a multi dose regimen including 6-7 shots of insulin per day.  I need massive doses of insulin in the morning even if I don't eat - and close to none at dinner.  All part of the raging hormones that are throwing me for a loop in every way, I guess.  I feel incredibly guilty every time I have an out of range blood sugar - even if it's only 10 points out of range, and because of that, I'm trying to eat close to nothing.  I've lost 6 pounds in the week and a half since diagnosis ...which I don't think is good either.

I'm a mess.  Straight up ...all the way around.  A mess.   We have no prep done for the baby.  We haven't even started moving baby A2 towards a new schedule that will give us some kind of sanity with 2 little ones.  I don't have a name or any idea of a name that might sound good.  I have no sleeping space arranged.  No second crib.  No double stroller.  No idea where to move most of A2's toys to make room for all the "stuff" that's required for A3.  ARRRRGH.

Sixteen

My baby girl, the one who taught me how to be a mom and forever changed my world, turns 16 in two days.

She passed her road test, which means that in two days, she will inherit my Prius and enter a world full of infintely more freedom. 

Be careful out there, baby girl.  Pleae be careful with your heart ...and mine.

Fatigue.

Holy crap.  I'm tired.  Like ...The idea of using my arm to lift baby A2's arms up and take his shirt off to put his pajama's on tonight is overwhelming.  Between that and still not being able to breathe when I exert myself at all ...I'm getting a whole lot of nothing done.  I also have insane restless legs syndrome and pica (there's not an ice cube in the state that's safe from me) - both of which are signs of iron deficiency.  So ..I'm half thinking there's some anemia contributing to the fatigue.  Anemia and iron deficiency would make sense to me since I came into the pregnancy straight after a year of continuous uterine bleeding and was still breastfeeding.  I'll get labs done next Wednesday, and I've upped my iron intake in the meantime.

Okay.  Can I just tell you that this 2 year old is running me ragged??  I have never known a child to have sooo much energy.  He is so much fun I can't stand it.  He's already a stand up comedian and spends most of his day trying to crack people up.  He gets into everything.  We take turns exercising the baby.  As in ..."Umm..it's your turn to run A2.  I've already done it for 2 hours."  We let him out back and he literally runs around the yard at breakneck speed until I die of exhaustion from watching him.  He's like a dog that requires a 10 mile walk before you can expect appropriate behavior out of him.  I live in Michigan which means that winter will be here soon.  I'm currently trying to figure out how to fit his trampoline into the basement so we can bounce him.  Like Tigger.  Which brings me to this point:  I have a huge yard that is beautifully fenced in.  Behind the fence is a massive field full of deer, snakes, and wild animals.  Although I feel like he's safe back there, I virtually never let him outside even for a second alone because well ..he's 2.  Anyway.  We were inside watching Dora this evening when I started this post.  Monk was out front cutting the grass and the golden child was upstairs.  I got up to pee ...came back to the living room to find no baby and no dog.  Looked everywhere.  Nothing.  Panicked.  Looked at the sliding door which was wide open.  And then to my horror, I discovered that Monk had left the gate in the back of the yard open to the field when he was cutting the grass.  A2 was strolling around in grass taller than him with our cocker spaniel tailing close behind.  I nearly died.  And then Monk nearly died an untimely death for leaving the gate open.  Holy shit.  I think I lost 14 years of my life in those 2 minutes.  I'm still trying to figure out what to do with a 2 year old that suddenly figured out how to open a door.  While I was peeing.  He should figure these things out while adequately supervised.

I'm already starting to panic ...because ohmygod ...it feels like this baby is going to be here in 2 minutes and I have not even slightly begun to prepare in any way, shape, or form.  Much less started my Christmas shopping.  And the golden child turns 16 in 2 weeks and I believe is probably expecting some sort of MTV style 16th birthday party .... and isn't going to get it.   Ayiyiyi.

I feel like I'm probably going through a normal developmental stage of adding another human being to our family ...but I'm so emotionally torn I can't even tell you which way I'm headed.  It breaks my heart that my relationship with A2 is going to change so much.  That I will come home from the hospital and my baby will suddenly have grown at least 6 feet.  I worry about how he'll handle it.  I worry about how I'll handle it.  I worry about the golden child ...and her needs getting pushed farther to the back of the line than they are now.  And my relationship with my husband ...what happens to that?  When do we make time for one another between work and 3 kids?  How can I possibly handle getting 2 to bed at the same time??  I honestly think that the first 2 were 13 years apart because seriously ...that's all I could handle.  I have no idea how to manage two very needy little people at the same time.  No idea at all.   

I read a beautiful post today @  http://sharah.wordpress.com/ and cried for nearly 2 hours afterward.  Because ...yeah.  Right there with ya, Sharah.  Right there.

20 weeks

So I'm currently on my night shift week ...which sucks when I'm not pregnant.  I don't deal with it well at ALL pregnant.  Thank God it's moved to every six weeks and we've actually interviewed a couple of people to work full time nights which would take me off the godforsaken rotation all together.  They better hire them ...or else I'm scheduled to do nights at 26, 33, and ummm... 39 weeks gestation.  Yeah.  I'm not feeling that at ALL.

Anyway.  I had my MFM level II ultrasound today.  I was beyond a wreck.  During my shift last night, I coded - as in code blue - unsuccessfully, mind you - a 20 something mother of four that was 9 days post-partum.  It was 2 in the morning, and my MFM was also there.  We both looked like crap for my appointment this morning at 9:30.  There are some codes that you will always remember for how horrific they truly were and how freaking horrible the circumstances that a family has just been thrown into are.  This was one of them.  Everyone there was rocked last night.  There are some things about pregnancy that just ....suck.  Like.  Really suck. 

Anyway.  Everything with this peanut looks great.  I couldn't be more shocked.  I really don't understand the 2 step integrated NT/Quad screen thing ...because I swear the whole purpose of it was to get the results in the first trimester.  I never DID get my results until today.  I knew that it was an excellent NT measurement. If I'm being honest, I never actually called to inform them that I didn't have the results because I didn't really want to deal with it until I was in the presence of the MFM anyway.  BUT - the results were stellar.  Less than 1:5000 for any of the tested chromosomal abnormalities.  Combined with a mostly perfect ultrasound (mostly because we couldn't see one kidney ...but he's pretty sure it's there) and exam (everything with me was great except my blood pressure :P - see code and lack of sleep above).  It's still a boy.  Measuring on target.  Placenta is no longer previa at ALL.  No sign of the SCH or any residual.   I'm still really, really not feeling movement.  I might feel a slight wiggle once or twice a day if I think about it really hard.  He didn't have any explanation for that ...baby seemed to be moving fine on the ultrasound.  Monk thinks it's just a lazy baby.  After the last couple of weeks with A2 ...I'm almost hoping that he's right!

I somehow managed to be at the appointment alone through a series of scheduling blunders.  I wouldn't recommend that to anyone.  I left his office full of good news ..and get this ...sobbed hysterically. 

Because I'm exhausted and overtired and hate the night shift.

And mostly .... because I can't figure out how we could possibly be so lucky.

Sweet Baby Boy.

Although it's hard to see ....he's giving me the finger in the picture.  I was seriously disturbing his cuddle time with the placenta.  Love it.

A-okay

Amazing what a decent night of sleep and another ultrasound can do for peace of mind.

Although ...the night of sleep.   Geezus.  Baby A2 fairly recently started sleeping through the night consistently.  Like ..maybe 2 months ago.  3 weeks ago, he started talking/yelling in his sleep.  All. Night. Long.  Last night, he kept yelling "SUPERMAAAAAN" about every 10 minutes.  I've resigned myself to no sleep for the next 10 years or so.

Anyway ...I called the OB and she sent me right over for a formal ultrasound.  The placenta is thankfully - so very thankfully - now more than an inch away from the cervix and pulling farther away all of the time.  I drank approximately 27 gallons of water between yesterday and today (clearly, an exaggeration ...but omg. the water) and fluid levels were much, much better today. 

The only problem is that I was contracting throughout the ultrasound.  Umm.  Still have really good cervix length, though.

Overwhelm.

I'm currently curled up in bed cuddling a lovey two year old and panicking.

Curiosity kills the cat. I was overwhelmed with gender obsession today and asked one of the docs I was working with to take a peek. We think there is probably a penis. Think. It could have been a hand. Or a cord.

Also? Happened to notice that I stil have complete previa. And really low amniotic fluid.

I'm not really sure what to do with this info other than panic. I did drink about six gallons of water, left work, and came home to lay on my left side. I'll talk to the regular ob tomorrow..and see the Mfm on the 25th. And obssess about congenital defects and abruption in the interim.

I'm exhausted and crabby. Work is in major suck mode. Right now my best case scenario seems to lead to bed rest, financial ruin, and no maternity leave.

Maybe I'll just go to sleep.