It finally occurred to me that I am actually a nurse practitioner with a fairly well stocked office and microscope so I dragged myself into my office and checked things out. Definitely had a yeast infection ...which I still think is bizarre because I still only had symptoms right after the progesterone suppository. Anyway ...after treatment ..all is well with that part of my body again. TMI? Probably. Anyway. Thanks for all of the advice/support/encouragement.
As for the sex part ..I decided to hold off after it was so nicely pointed out that my husband might manage to absorb some of the progesterone. So ..umm...I offered him the opportunity for sore nipples and nausea but he declined. We'll wait another 3 weeks. I feel safer that way anyway. And also??....3 days until ultrasound!!?!?! I can't believe I actually made it without a paranoid freak-out this long. My latest paranoia is that I'm carrying 2 sets of identical twins or something. What's causing this particular paranoia, you ask? Umm...the fact that I SWEAR I can feel alien movement. And at 8 weeks? Umm...I'm either insane or carrying a small circus. But ..I have been pregnant before and it is a rather distinctive feeling. Seems to be happening every night around 7-7:30 or so. I wonder how hard the friend/OB will laugh at me when I tell her that?
Okay ..I have to run. I'm on call at the hospital this weekend ...managed to dislocate my jaw and can't do much about it without really good drugs that would kill any parasites...got in a *massive* fight with my boss which ended with me calling her names that included "psychotic" "nut case" and "bitch" as well as offering her inpatient psych admission for her loonie self...and I also managed to pass out in the intensive care unit in front of about 35 doctors which then forced me to admit my pregnancy to all of them. Umm...good weekend all in all!
Anyone doing anything more exciting than crawling in bed with a hot water bottle on their jaw at 9 pm on a Saturday?
Hope everyone had a wonderful thanksgiving!
p.s. Monk would like me to point out that the jaw dislocation? Has NOTHING to do with the no sex going on in our house.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Questions
Does anyone out there that has had some experience with progesterone suppositories have some assvice for me?
They're starting to be a pain in the you know what. As in ...I feel like maybe I'm developing an allergy to them or a yeast infection (which I've never before had) or something. But the discomfort is only there for 10-15 minutes after I put it in. Is that normal?
And ..as a side note. Anyone know the rules when using these things? Can you have sex? Cause ..umm...Monk would like to know. I assumed no ..but ...in reality, I guess I'm not so sure.
The right sided pain is gone! It got SO bad that night and sort of radiated into my nether regions. I actually got up and got ready to go to the ER and it just suddenly passed. I don't know. I probably had a kidney stone or something which I've had before. My body never ceases to amaze me with all of it's issues.
I'm seriously not looking forward to the first OB appointment just because I know that she's going to do a breast exam and I pretty much feel like they should be protected by a force field right now. The slightest touch or brush against ANYTHING makes me want to cry.
Still worth it. All of the above. :)
They're starting to be a pain in the you know what. As in ...I feel like maybe I'm developing an allergy to them or a yeast infection (which I've never before had) or something. But the discomfort is only there for 10-15 minutes after I put it in. Is that normal?
And ..as a side note. Anyone know the rules when using these things? Can you have sex? Cause ..umm...Monk would like to know. I assumed no ..but ...in reality, I guess I'm not so sure.
The right sided pain is gone! It got SO bad that night and sort of radiated into my nether regions. I actually got up and got ready to go to the ER and it just suddenly passed. I don't know. I probably had a kidney stone or something which I've had before. My body never ceases to amaze me with all of it's issues.
I'm seriously not looking forward to the first OB appointment just because I know that she's going to do a breast exam and I pretty much feel like they should be protected by a force field right now. The slightest touch or brush against ANYTHING makes me want to cry.
Still worth it. All of the above. :)
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Date Night with Monk
I've been searching for a blog name for my husband ..because I hate typing "my husband" and finally settled on Monk. Umm..like the OCD detective. This is something that I call him in our real life ...because it fits. Not in looks ...but he certainly has his own OCD issues. I never knew how much it fit until after we were married (though we dated for 6 years before we married we never lived together). So ..Monk it is.
Anyway ...Monk and I had a date night tonight. Went out to dinner and to see Role Models. It was tough to be out past my appointed 7:30 pm bedtime ..but I figured that I either had to put forth the effort or committ murder. Heheh. The movie? Very funny. Vulgar ..but very funny. I'm still trying to convince Monk that he needs to be more supportive and that it is not in any way healthy for me when he acts as though this baby is going to die with certainty. I obviously have the same fears ...one of us needs to fake it. And with the tears I'm sensing that I'm the more vulnerable one ...so it's his turn to man up. And that's that. :)
I suppose I should explain a little about where we started since I chose my first ever IComLeavWe to post about him being an un-supportive ass. I would love to pretend to the world that our relationship is perfect ...but it's not ..and so I don't. We first met when he was dating my best friend. Umm...yeah. They ended things on their own ..and he and I picked up a while after that. Even in the very beginning, we both knew that we had literally nothing in common. Like ...nothing. And I'm not kidding. I love travel and the outdoors and school. He'd be content to never leave our house or neighborhood for that matter. Monk literally counts how many glasses the golden child and I drink out of during the day because he thinks it is excessive. I choose a new glass per hour just to irritate him. He frantically cleans the house on an hourly basis. I have a pile of clothes four feet deep in my walk in closet and honest to God don't know how to turn on the vacuum or where we keep the garbage bags. He shops at 3 different grocery stores to save money. I don't even look at the price tags or look for sales when I go. I would love to move to Africa for a couple of years to work in a clinic and bring home adopted babies Angelina style. He says, "Have fun. I probably won't be here when you get back."
A year or so into the relationship, my dad died. And I went more than a little loonie over it. When I looked around - he was the only one standing that was still making sense. He kept me grounded through the most difficult thing in my life. Because of the lack of commonality, I tried and he tried to end things several times in the beginning. On one such incident, I honest to God freaked out and held on to his legs as he was walking away. He still teases me about it today. Embarrassing? More than you know. But it's honest and true and me. I can't live without him. I think that there were things that we both wanted in a relationship that probably aren't here ...but the basics are. So ...just know. He's not a creep the vast majority of the time. He is, in fact, a husband that many, many women would dream of having. Do dream of having. Tell me they dream about it, even. In the last 8 years, we've been through pretty much everything. Three dead babies. In my ideal world ...he would have been equally as heartbroken as me over that. He wasn't. He would have ached for a child the same way that I do. He would have shared in the total bliss that I felt when I first saw this last positive test. But in truth ...he doesn't. It's just one more thing that we don't have in common. He's much more reserved about giving love than I. Much more guarded. I don't expect him to really accept that the pregnancy is really happening and healthy until he sees the ultrasound. I do, however, expect him to shower me with love and respect and kindness. That part? He occasionally needs a little extra nudge in. This week was one of those times. He responded well to the nudge. Eight years later ...we're still learning.
I've had this really incredibly disconcerting pain in my right lower abdomen and can't stop thinking ectopic. It's a pain that I've had before ..but I can't remember when though I've never had an ectopic. I'm going to take some tylenol ...lay down...and try to avoid the emergency room. I'm almost certain I won't make it until Dec 2nd without an ultrasound.
Anyway ...Monk and I had a date night tonight. Went out to dinner and to see Role Models. It was tough to be out past my appointed 7:30 pm bedtime ..but I figured that I either had to put forth the effort or committ murder. Heheh. The movie? Very funny. Vulgar ..but very funny. I'm still trying to convince Monk that he needs to be more supportive and that it is not in any way healthy for me when he acts as though this baby is going to die with certainty. I obviously have the same fears ...one of us needs to fake it. And with the tears I'm sensing that I'm the more vulnerable one ...so it's his turn to man up. And that's that. :)
I suppose I should explain a little about where we started since I chose my first ever IComLeavWe to post about him being an un-supportive ass. I would love to pretend to the world that our relationship is perfect ...but it's not ..and so I don't. We first met when he was dating my best friend. Umm...yeah. They ended things on their own ..and he and I picked up a while after that. Even in the very beginning, we both knew that we had literally nothing in common. Like ...nothing. And I'm not kidding. I love travel and the outdoors and school. He'd be content to never leave our house or neighborhood for that matter. Monk literally counts how many glasses the golden child and I drink out of during the day because he thinks it is excessive. I choose a new glass per hour just to irritate him. He frantically cleans the house on an hourly basis. I have a pile of clothes four feet deep in my walk in closet and honest to God don't know how to turn on the vacuum or where we keep the garbage bags. He shops at 3 different grocery stores to save money. I don't even look at the price tags or look for sales when I go. I would love to move to Africa for a couple of years to work in a clinic and bring home adopted babies Angelina style. He says, "Have fun. I probably won't be here when you get back."
A year or so into the relationship, my dad died. And I went more than a little loonie over it. When I looked around - he was the only one standing that was still making sense. He kept me grounded through the most difficult thing in my life. Because of the lack of commonality, I tried and he tried to end things several times in the beginning. On one such incident, I honest to God freaked out and held on to his legs as he was walking away. He still teases me about it today. Embarrassing? More than you know. But it's honest and true and me. I can't live without him. I think that there were things that we both wanted in a relationship that probably aren't here ...but the basics are. So ...just know. He's not a creep the vast majority of the time. He is, in fact, a husband that many, many women would dream of having. Do dream of having. Tell me they dream about it, even. In the last 8 years, we've been through pretty much everything. Three dead babies. In my ideal world ...he would have been equally as heartbroken as me over that. He wasn't. He would have ached for a child the same way that I do. He would have shared in the total bliss that I felt when I first saw this last positive test. But in truth ...he doesn't. It's just one more thing that we don't have in common. He's much more reserved about giving love than I. Much more guarded. I don't expect him to really accept that the pregnancy is really happening and healthy until he sees the ultrasound. I do, however, expect him to shower me with love and respect and kindness. That part? He occasionally needs a little extra nudge in. This week was one of those times. He responded well to the nudge. Eight years later ...we're still learning.
I've had this really incredibly disconcerting pain in my right lower abdomen and can't stop thinking ectopic. It's a pain that I've had before ..but I can't remember when though I've never had an ectopic. I'm going to take some tylenol ...lay down...and try to avoid the emergency room. I'm almost certain I won't make it until Dec 2nd without an ultrasound.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Emotional
Today was not such a great day. For some reason, I only had 3 patients booked in the am and 22 in the afternoon. My energy levels these days seriously peak at like 1:30 p.m., so even with sneaking home to nap at lunch ...I was exhausted by 6 pm when I finally finished dictating. And then my poor family had to suffer when I came home crabby and overly emotional.
I've gotten into at least 12 fights with my husband tonight...and generally feel fairly neglected and unloved. I'm thinking that's a hormonal thing as well, but it's still very difficult to temper my responses appropriately. I feel like I have to remind him 20 times a day that I'm pregnant and taking hormones 4 times a day. He acts like I'm using it as an excuse. In fact, he even managed to say, "That's getting old." when I responded that I was tired because I'm pregnant. Um... yeah. I haven't decided yet if we're ever going to talk again yet after that one.
One of the secretaries at work made me really, really think about the speaking out about infertility thing today. She's older ...I would guess in her 50's or 60's. She, for some reason, asked me out of the blue if I was doing fertility treatments. I hesitated. Thought about yesterday's post, and said, "Yes." It was difficult at best. She then proceeded to tell me her prolonged reproductive history which involved 8 years of failed IUI, IVF, and recurrent loss. I was shocked ...because I guess...I suck...and have a preconceived idea about people that I think would do that kind of thing. I felt like I needed to take a shower after the talk - and not because she upset me. I upset myself with my utter shock that she would have gone through infertility. Anyway. I'm learning. One day at a time.
The family practice doc that still delivers baby listened for a heartbeat today and found one fairly quickly. I'm trying not to be too reassured. As pissy as I'm feeling? My thoughts aren't so much about happy family with new baby as they are about being a single mama again.
I do actually love my husband when my body has somewhat normal levels of hormones in it.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
False sense of security
My progesterone level on Tuesday was 43.6 ..up from 16 ..which was down from 30 whatever. So I'm guessing that snorting progesterone like cocaine works. At least it's in my serum. Only god knows if it's making it to my actual uterus.
Work has been so ...overwhelming for the past two weeks. And that, coupled with multiple progesterone supplements daily is making me exhausted. As in ...I really fight falling asleep with patients by 1:30 in the afternoon ...and though I want to blog and read blogs and comment? I'm usually sound asleep by 7:30 p.m. My bff's baby shower is this weekend - 3 hours away - and I really don't know if I'm going to make it because the idea of driving that far and not falling asleep at the wheel seems impossible.
I think that normal numbers are giving me a false sense of security ..and that terrifies me. I know only too well that good numbers, seeing the heartbeat, etc., don't really mean that you get to bring a baby home ...but I'm suddenly thinking of being hugely pregnant, who I want in the delivery room, and actually trying to fight my husband about parenting decisions like circumcision and stuff.
D a n g e r o u s. Cause umm...I'm seven weeks. Which in my world? Is the same as having sex this morning and claiming pregnancy this afternoon.
Ms. April had an absolutely astounding post about "Screaming on the Inside" and letting the world know about infertility that I've been thinking about all week. Because mostly? I'm really, really bad about that. Even in practice, there are very few of my patients that I know are dealing with infertility and/or recurrent pregnancy loss that I've opened up to at all. One mom, in particular, I feel particularly ashamed about. She's in her 40's ..and I don't even remember what she came in for ...but she mentioned how devastated she was that she didn't have the money to go through another IVF cycle. She was in a shared loss program, got pregnant with twins and lost them both at 22 weeks. She thought that she was going to get to do IVF again, but the clinic felt that she'd been "successful". Her version of success involved a live baby or two. I could sense how much she was hurting and still could not bring myself to open up to her. Every single time I come across a woman struggling on their own, I want to give them Stirrup Queen's blog address ..or Lost and Found ...and make them aware of this very supportive community, but I can't. That bums me out. It's not shame - I'm fairly certain of that. I think it's all still too fresh and painful for me to feel like I can get through it in a respectable manner.
But I'll try. In the end, that's all any of can do, right??
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Quick post
I have SO abandoned the internet and all blogs ...completely not intentional ....work life got crazy crazy.
Just wanted to mention that I gave up and finally had labs drawn this morning. Progesterone isn't back yet ..but beta hcg is 21,119 ...with a doubling time of 1.89 days ...and yes, I breathed a huge sigh of relief when that came off the fax machine today. I was up all night last night mostly sure that there was a dead embryo rotting in my uterus. Ultrasound and first OB appointment on Dec 2nd. If I make it that long ...I'm thinking I might have to order an ultrasound first.
A real post later ...and hopefully some decent blog comments for others ... :)
Just wanted to mention that I gave up and finally had labs drawn this morning. Progesterone isn't back yet ..but beta hcg is 21,119 ...with a doubling time of 1.89 days ...and yes, I breathed a huge sigh of relief when that came off the fax machine today. I was up all night last night mostly sure that there was a dead embryo rotting in my uterus. Ultrasound and first OB appointment on Dec 2nd. If I make it that long ...I'm thinking I might have to order an ultrasound first.
A real post later ...and hopefully some decent blog comments for others ... :)
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