Progress?

Registered? I did it. Don't know if it's right ...but such is life.

Onesies? I bought 'em. And a take home outfit or two as well. I even threw in a couple of bottles and pacifiers.

Crib and baby furniture? It's in ...gotta pick it up from the store today.

Super cozy rocker/recliner? Bought one.

Name? We picked one.

Now if only I could decide on a nursery theme and find some bedding . . .

Holy crap

I'm pregnant. Like. Really pregnant. Like...push myself up off the couch with my arms pregnant and this kid is coming our relatively soon pregnant. Yeah, yeah, yeah ...kind of late in the game to realize this? But umm..I have a TON of stuff to do. Suddenly, my shower is in 2 weeks. Can I tell you how much I don't want to have a shower??? My mom and sister have some ritzy fancy schmancy thing planned ...and I feel really uncomfortable about the whole thing. For one ..I had a shower with the golden child. Yes, it was 14 years ago. But I've already had a shower. For two? That's something that fertile people do ...not something that people with dead babies get to do. Bizarre. For three? Registering for a shower is a flipping nightmare as far as I'm concerned. I have no idea what I need. I'm completely freaking out about bottles, for some reason. I breastfed the golden child exclusively for 6 months ..and continued for 2 years. She never once had a bottle. I have no idea how to pump or store milk or bottle feed. That's a little intimidating to me.

This entire pregnancy has been so odd. The first time around, I literally didn't have hide nor hare of a complication. I read every book I could get my hands on. The thirst for knowledge was unreal. I might have cracked the spine on a pregnancy book twice so far this entire pregnancy. I still haven't registered for any childbirth classes or even pre-registered at the hospital - though I've made several trips to labor and delivery. I have a stroller and 1 sweater for the baby. Other than that? Nada. Haven't purchased one item. That's a lie. I ordered a crib online like 20 minutes ago. I don't know if I'm still in major denial or what my deal is??

I've had a gazillion complications. I'm completely regretting 1) having the triple screen and 2) not having the amnio because I have lingering worries that are at time paralyzing with fear about Downs. I think it would have been much better to either KNOW or be completely ignorant. I'm having ultrasound withdrawal because the MFM wants to wait until May 22nd to recheck the little guy's kidney ...and it freaks me out. My legs to my thighs are rock hard swollen with fluid which is disgusting. Pubis symphysis pain is so severe I walk to the bathroom on crutches every single night. I have contractions that last for about an hour and a half 3 nights a week. Oh. And I'm a full on diabetic on insulin ( a LOT of insulin). And I'm pretty much an emotional basketcase again. I cry at the drop of the hat. And not like ...I get teary. Like ...I'm wracked with sobs at the slightest disappointment or extra stress. Like my life is ending and I can't dig myself out of a hole. And then ...I'm fine like a half hour later. WTF??

The Diabetes thing weirds me out. I passed the 1 hour Glucose tolerance test. Passed outright. Didn't have to do the 3 hour. If I weren't a nurse practitioner that has OCD - they never would have checked my blood sugar again for the rest of the pregnancy. I wonder how many times I've done that to a patient??? Not two weeks after the test that I passed ...I'm already on 20 units of insulin per day and it goes up daily. This baby would have been 22 pounds. Or possibly died. That terrifies me.

Did I mention that I'm pregnant?? ACK! I think I have to go buy 600 onesies or something to make myself settle down a little.

Negatory

Fetal Fibronectin was negative, which is most excellent. She thinks that my uterus is just super irritable and I need to stay overly hydrated. I don't know if it's possible to drink any more water than what I've been forcing down ..but I'll try. They didn't call to give me the results until this morning. So I went back to work. And promptly got in a huge fight with my still absent boss over the phone. I'm thinking a job change following a prolonged maternity leave is in order.

And to tell you the truth? I won't even feel guilty about it.

28 weeks and hypochondria

So ...I must be a hypochondriac or something ...I swear.

I had my 28 week visit today. Weight stable at 6 pounds up ..which, frankly, I'm thrilled with seeing as Easter was yesterday and I ate enough for a small army. She claims that my 1 hour glucose tolerance test was "fine" ...meaning that I passed. But it was 129. When I explained that the fingerstick reading was 158 and the 2 hour finger stick was 171 she was concerned. Perhaps a little surprised when I said that I started myself on insulin ..but then again ..she knows me, so not that much. I'm sure this is what happened with the golden child who then grew to be 9 pounds 11 ounces 3 weeks early. So ..I'm going to keep testing. Maybe not so obsessively when I eat appropriately ..but at least twice a day and definitely if I screw up with carbs. She wants my goal to be less than 120 two hours post prandial or 140 one hour post prandial. I'm measuring 28. Visits go to every 2 weeks. Whoo hoo. My office manager is going to love me.

We had a really nice Easter yesterday ...even though I started out perturbed. Something that I still haven't figured out was up with my mother in law and she claimed she wasn't participating in Easter and was going to the casino instead. I sort of knew better and bought and made the dishes to pass that I would normally be asked to bring. At 6:00 on Saturday night she called to say that maybe she would make a ham and leave it at her house for the siblings. On Sunday morning, it turned out she was going to be there and could we show up with dishes to pass around 11:00 a.m.?? Umm....seriously ....I can't even tell you how pissed I would have been if I didn't pre-empt that. Anyway. Good day there ...good day at my mom's. A little awkward when my very newly married and not as newly pregnant step-niece and new husband got into a blow up fight in front of everyone. Yikers. I ate my weight in appetizers, dinner, and ...a first for me ...banana cream pie. Then injected insulin. I think I'm worse than a heroin addict.

I woke up at 3 am to pee and noticed I was really achy around my rib cage in the back on the right hand side ..I feared it was going to be another muscle spasm issue and tried to lay back down. The pain started to spread to the front. I went downstairs to try and lay on a heating pad. Pain got worse ...much worse. I got super nauseated and thought I was going to puke ...went to the bathroom ...pain spread to my chest ..like ..crushing ..elephant sitting on my chest ohmygod I'm dying chest pain ...I yelled for Monk ...he came to get me ...and it just kept escalating. I've never been so miserable ...ever. If I stood up the pain would go back under my ribs ...sat down ..crushing chest pain. I finally got into a very attractive tolerable pain-wise position of on my knees and elbows with ass in the air. Monk was freaking out. I was panicking ...I honest to god was sure I was going to die. I finally decided we had to go to the hospital ..called his mom to come stay with the golden child ...I stood up to put on a bra ..because ..you know ..even when I'm dying? I don't want people to kn0w that my nipples could get caught between my toes when I walk without a bra on ...

and the pain stopped. Just like that ...as quick as it started ...gone. WTF??!? When I was done hyperventilating, I decided it must have been a gall bladder attack caused by a stubborn heads up baby, cheesy potatoes, ranch dressing, and banana cream pie. Lovely. The OB agreed today but then got distracted by me having contractions in the office so I never figured out what to do about it.

She did a fetal fibronectin swab - which, if you haven't had the pleasure - is a cervical swab without lubrication speculum and all. Lovely. I'm supposed to wait for the call tonight. I guess it fairly accurately predicts if you are at high risk of delivering in the next 10-14 days. If it's positive ...It's all about bedrest and steroid shots. If negative...I'm off to work in the a.m.

OH ..and I got the day off today because there was no power in the building. The Easter Bunny does love me.

Holy scattered incredibly long post ...so sorry.

Gestational Diabetes - Take Two

I finally gave up the ghost and went for the glucose tolerance test, take 2. I knew that I would fail since I stopped the metformin, and I really didn't want to find out that I was diabetic the day before Easter so I delayed in the a way only the truly practiced procrastinator can delay. I tested before I went in. 128. Fasting. Not good, seeing as you qualify for insulin if fasting is higher than 95. 75 grams of carbs and an hour later I tested and got 158. Holy sheezers. I went home and started sulking, then started looking up weight based insulin dosing so that I could get the ball rolling and hopefully not have a baby in a sugar coma. About an hour later I felt really, really crappy. Like....I can't keep my eyes open crappy. Tested again. 171. Lovely. Injected my first insulin dose about 30 seconds later.

In other words ...the birthday cake for my mom, the cheesy potatoes, and the marshmallow/fruit salad/cool whip salad that I made to take to my mom's tomorrow? All totally off limits.

It's weird ...because even though I knew from before the beginning that it would end up this way, I'm still incredibly disappointed that it ended up this way. It also puts a fairly modest fast forward on timing ...the latest they'll let me deliver will be 38 weeks. Or June 22nd. Which umm...feels like it could be tomorrow or something. And I still have exactly 2 (two) baby items in the entire house and no nursery.

Yikers.

So I'm a witch

Maybe my pregnancy hormones are raging more than I would like to believe.

I live in a very quiet neighborhood ..but nearly everyone has issues on my street. We whimsically refer to it as Wisteria Lane. One neighbor is living with the other neighbors ex ..and the kids walk back and forth for visitation. Lots of drama, blah blah. My neighbor directly next door is the weirdest ...single dad ..2 kids. Except that he got remarried and moved to a different city 2 years ago and left his 15 year old in the house by herself so she could finish high school. So. My neighbor is a 15 (now 16) year old that lives alone in a $200k house. Um. I find it difficult to not call social services. Anyway.

The 16 year old is usually very quiet. Sometimes makes poor choices and we all watch out for her (leaving the garage door open all night, etc.). The last 3 nights, however, have been hellish. The first two nights, she had a few friends in the driveway and talked very loudly until 3:30 am. So loudly, that I felt like they were in my bedroom. I got progressively more annoyed until I opened the window and told her to take it inside because she was driving me nuts. Last night ..she had a party. 20 cars in the neighborhood. Music so loud the bass was shaking my house. Car horns? Honking non-stop. Just for the fun of it. Remote lock the car. Remote unlock the car. Outside running around and screaming like banshees. Until 6:15 a.m. I was pissed ..wanted to call the cops. Monk wouldn't let me. Neither of us slept for 5 minutes all night. I was LIVID by 6:30 a.m. and had to get up at 7:00 a.m. for work.

I had fantasies about egging the cars that were left over on the street. Then pulling in the driveway and honking my horn every 30 seconds until they were all awake and miserable. I was determined to call the abandoning father. Called another neighbor instead ...yeah ..they heard it ...only woke them up once or twice though. Another neighbor? Slept through the entire thing. WTF?

So I called another neighbor ..and had her call the dad to tell him that we were ticked ...and that he needed to be around to supervise more. He's all kinds of pissed off and is supposedly coming into town to deal with the whole situation. I'm sure his house is trashed.

And now I'm scared. And feel like I'm 90. Because seriously? When did I turn into the old lady that called and told parents about the party instead of the girl that's having the party??

Kissing the edge of viability

Tomorrow we hit 27 weeks ...the blurriest edge of viability in my mind. If born now, the baby has a 90% chance of survival.

I'm still amazed that we've made it to this point.

Mawwiage

So ...I didn't make it to work today. Strangely enough ...the weird pain is gone. I'm not sure if it was some kind of weird muscle spasm ..because a heating pad did actually seem to help ...or something with my liver ...or my gall bladder ...or if my son is growing a bowling ball sized head and tried to ram it through my liver into my throat last night. I'm thinking not gall bladder ...only because I had an extremely thorough gall bladder testing thing done about 3 months before I got pregnant and it was pronounced crazy healthy. Who knows. Maybe making it all squishy changed it or something. Either way...the pain is gone ...and I'm a happier though less fully employed girl today. I officially stopped the 2nd job ...with no real notice ...which sucks. I'll miss it dearly. It was challenging ...and different ...and I was surrounded by completely sane co-workers. So ..other than the challenging part? The complete opposite of my current full time job. Ha!

This post may be a little crazy ...because Monk and the child and I went to get custard a bit ago and I accidentally discovered a chocolate custard with marshmallow cream mixer thing that is conceivably the best thing I have ever tasted in my entire life. Ever. Not only am I a hyper spaz from the huge carb load ...but so is the 1/2 way there child. I think he might be trying to scratch his way out of my uterus with his toe nails.

My cervix is essentially the same thickness/size/what not today as it was a few days ago ...which is good. But she still wants me mostly on bedrest for the weekend and to come in for a check on Monday. I'm definitely still having contractions. This baby needs to stay put for quite a few weeks still.

So. Marriage. That still makes me giggle. Because when the hell did I get to be old enough to not only be married but to be analyzing my marriage? I still hear "Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togetha today..." from the princess bride every time I say it. Anyway. Monk and I are NOT connecting. I don't know why. I assume it's mostly me. There's the mostly non-existent sex life which is 99.8% my fault. But more than that ...there's suddenly this absence of hello/good-bye/goodnight kiss sweetness tenderness thing ..which is at least 70% me. He's been following me around like a lost puppy and I keep pushing him away every single time. I go upstairs ...he follows me. I come down ...he comes down. He tries to hug me when I'm making breakfast and I get irritated and mean. I've been quite literal and actually said, "I seriously need 5 inches of space. Please. Be less available for like ...an hour. Let me pee upstairs ALL BY MYSELF. Give me a chance to miss you and come to find you." And umm...nothing changes except the hurt in his eyes. I don't like that it's changed and I don't know why ...but I can't make myself work through it either. I'd be happy for any suggestions you can give.

Two AM Ramblings

It's currently 2 in the morning ...and I have to be up and at work in 5 hours. I can't sleep. I slept for about an hour and then woke up in quite excruciating right upper quadrant abdominal pain that immediately made me think "HELLP" syndrome. Now that the thought is there ...the anxiety is preventing sleep more than the pain, even. It's stupid. I don't know what possessed me to watch ER tonight other than the fact that it was the last episode ...but it's never good to watch a pregnant woman die during delivery when you are ...you know ..pregnant.

The last couple of weeks have been interesting. I went into some pre-term labor last Sunday for a little more than an hour ...contractions every 3 minutes or so for an hour that were fairly uncomfortable. The next day my cervix had started to thin and I've been a paranoid freak ever since. I've had a couple of random contractions here and there which I always immediately drown with about 2 quarts of water.

The pain is actually much better now that I'm sitting up and hunched forward with my elbows on my knees. Maybe I'll try and catch some quick z's like this. Otherwise ..I'm going to have to call in to work in the morning ...and I can't stand that idea :/. Wish me luck.